


The House of Cards

by Tossukka



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-21
Updated: 2012-08-21
Packaged: 2017-11-12 15:18:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 45,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/492646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tossukka/pseuds/Tossukka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three years ago Arthur was happy and in love. Two years ago he was trying to cope with heartbreak. One year ago he was married to a woman he loved but was not in love with. Now Arthur's life is back on track, he's divorcing his wife and beginning to feel alive again, when Merlin returns to town and makes Arthur realise he's not as over his ex as he thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The House of Cards

**Author's Note:**

> The art for this story can be found at tink's [LJ](http://tink-sky-reid.livejournal.com/8171.html#cutid1). Go and see it! It's amazing!
> 
>  **Warnings:** Minor character deaths, themes of depression, implied gay bashing

### 1\. Friction

**February 2012**

The last thing a man needed in the middle of a messy divorce process was an ex-lover comforting his soon-to-be ex-wife. It didn’t help the matter that said ex-lover had been missing from his life for more than two years, and the first time they saw each other again was in a room full of people with law and business degrees and formal titles.

“Mr Pendragon, we’re ready to start now that my client has arrived,” Guinevere’s lawyer said, and Arthur nodded his agreement. Guinevere leaned over to whisper something to the lawyer. “Mrs Pendragon wishes that Mr Emrys stay in the room today. Do you have any objections?”

Arthur gulped. Merlin was sitting next to Gwen. His hair was shorter, he was wearing a suit, and he looked thinner than when Arthur had last seen him. He had never before been this handsome, nor this distracting, and it had not been a fair move for Gwen to bring him in today. Arthur had had no idea that Merlin was even in town again, but when his lawyer gave him a questioning glance, Arthur nodded.

“Yes. Mr Emrys may stay.”

Both Arthur and Gwen had wanted the divorce to be quick and clean, but hardly any legal processes were ever quick and clean when there were Pendragons involved. Arthur’s father had made sure even before they were married that Gwen had no access to the Pendragon fortune if there ever was a divorce, but Arthur had his own personal fortune and it was what would happen to it that was currently under discussion. All Arthur wanted to keep was his house and car, and Gwen could have everything else if she wanted. It was just money, and Arthur had plenty in any case, but the house was full of memories, _his_ memories, most of them from the time before he had married Gwen. That was something Arthur was not ready to give up; not now, not ever. It was a good thing they had never had time to consider having children. Children would surely have made their divorce process even more complicated and long-winded. Arthur nodded to his lawyer again, indicating that he was ready to begin.

\---

They took a short break from the process after a few hours of talking, arguing, and more talking. Arthur didn’t look at anyone in the room; he just grabbed his mobile and left as quickly as he could. He didn’t even care that he was behaving as if he had finally lost it in front of his lawyer, Guinevere, Merlin and a whole pack of assistants. He had to speak with his sister during the break, or he could not go back into the room and survive another session full of endless discussion. Morgana picked up almost immediately when Arthur pushed the call button.

“Hello, brother dearest. I’m very busy. What’s so important that you are interrupting my...”

Arthur wasn’t paying attention to Morgana’s words and didn’t answer right away. He drew a few calming breaths and found a seat at the end of the corridor. There was no one in sight, and he _was_ in the middle of a divorce process, so he let himself fall apart a bit.

“Arthur? What’s wrong?”

And this was exactly why Arthur still called his sister first when anything important happened, although they spent half of the time insisting they didn’t like each other. Morgana just _knew_ him that well and his silences told Morgana as much as any words.

“It’s Merlin. He’s back in the country.”

“Oh, shit! How do you know?” Morgana asked, and Arthur knew she had dropped everything she’d been doing before he called her.

“My wife brought him in today when we were supposed to discuss the divorce settlement. He’s still here.”

“I’m sure _that_ went well,” Morgana said, sounding scandalised.

“You don’t say. I can’t even remember one thing we talked about.”

“Yes, well. You always had trouble concentrating on the things that mattered, especially when Merlin was around to distract you,” Morgana teased, but they both knew it was a feeble attempt to diminish the tension.

“Yeah. Well, that’s what she was trying to do, right? Distract me? What else it could have been?”

“Gwen might have just wanted a friend with her in there. It’s not an easy process for her, either.”

“I know, I know. But she could have brought anyone! She has other friends! But she decided to bring Merlin without even a warning and...” Arthur paused. “And fuck, Morgana. He looks so good! Gorgeous even! He was in a suit, and his hair was cut shorter, and... Oh God. At least Guinevere should be pleased, since she’s succeeded in making me feel completely like shit.”

“Are you having a break now?”

“Yeah. I think we’re trying to settle a couple of things today. Should take a few more hours.”

“Can you make it to lunch with me today?” Morgana asked, and Arthur was glad he didn’t have to be the one to do so.

“I think so.”

“One o’clock? The usual place?”

“Yeah. I’ll see you there. I might be a bit late if this takes more time than intended.”

“It’s okay. Just let me know. You’ll be all right now?”

“I suppose. See you later.”

The call ended, and surprisingly Arthur did feel calmer after talking to the only person who probably had any idea what he was going through. It also helped that he knew he would meet up with Morgana later that day. For a moment Arthur felt all right, and then he heard someone cough softly. He didn’t even have to look, because he knew it was Merlin announcing his presence. 

“Hi,” Merlin said when Arthur finally looked at him. Merlin was holding two cups of coffee. Arthur assumed the other was for Gwen. “They’ll be starting again soon, so if you’re done with your phone call, we could head back?”

“Do I have to?” Arthur asked before he could censor himself, even when he was already rising from his seat. It made Merlin laugh in surprise.

“I’m afraid so. You talked with Morgana?”

“Yeah. Just... rechecked our lunch meeting.”

Merlin nodded and didn’t say anything else while they walked towards the room, where they had been only a quarter of an hour earlier. When they were almost at the door, Merlin opened his mouth again.

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot,” he offered one of the coffee cups to Arthur. “I got this for you. I figured you didn’t have time to go and buy one for yourself. A bit of milk, no sugar, right?”

Arthur blinked and took the cup.

“...yes. Thank you.”

Merlin smiled at him and slipped off to sit next to Gwen again. They soon fell into quiet conversation. Arthur took a sip of his coffee, and it was exactly how he liked it. He saw Merlin glance at him out of the corner of his eye, and Arthur nodded to signal that the coffee was good.

Maybe it was a sad statement about their marriage, but Gwen probably didn’t remember how Arthur took his coffee even after almost two years of living together. During the rest of the meeting Arthur tried to concentrate wholly on the subjects under discussion and talked mostly with his own lawyer or Gwen’s. He could keep his eyes off Merlin for another couple of hours.

\---

“Okay, shoot. What happened?”

“Basically, Morgana, I’m screwed. And not in the good way,” Arthur said.

They had ordered their food moments earlier, and Morgana had a serious expression on her face.

“That bad?”

“Depends what counts as bad. Merlin still remembers how I take my coffee.”

“Slow down, Arthur. I’m not following. Why don’t you start at the beginning?”

Arthur told Morgana everything that had happened that morning, and his sister listened attentively and did not interrupt even when Arthur could see that she wanted to comment at certain points.

“So to sum it all up, my ex-boyfriend is back in town just when I’m in the middle of a divorce process and no one bothered to inform me about it, he is hotter than ever, he acts as if he actually likes me and brings me coffee the way I like it, and I’ve just realised how very much I’m still _not_ over him.”

“I must agree with you, brother dear. You are screwed.”

Arthur glared at her.

“You’re supposed to be supportive, you know!”

“Just facing the facts, Arthur.”

Their meals arrived then and when both had an overstuffed sandwich in front of them, Morgana spoke again.

“Did you have a chance to ask Merlin why he’s back? Does he have a job? A new lover?” Something twisted in Arthur’s stomach when he thought of Merlin with someone else. Morgana probably knew that but kept on talking. “Or did he just happen to be in town at the same time you and Gwen are getting divorced? It feels like a very lucky coincidence.”

Arthur shrugged.

“I didn’t. It isn’t my place to ask him. It’s none of my business.”

Morgana stared at him incredulously.

“That’s what you’re telling yourself? Really, Arthur? You were best friends once and dated for ages! How is it not your place to ask how he’s been? You haven’t seen him in years!”

“Damn it, I know that! But I can’t just assume that Merlin even wants to talk to me about himself. Like you said, we haven’t seen each other for ages, and we’re probably both different people than we were back then. If he... if he happened to have another lover in town, I do not want to know anything about it.”

Morgana’s expression had turned pitiful, and Arthur guessed he deserved it.

“What the hell am I going to do? Guinevere is going to shove Merlin in my face at every opportunity. I’m pretty sure she expected a princess fairytale and half the kingdom when she married me, and now she’s pissed off that she only got a depressed husband who was still in love with another man and who happens to have lot of earthly possessions. She’s going for revenge by making sure I stay miserable, too! It’s not _my_ fault that reality got in the way of her plans.”

“Oh, Arthur. You’re making up conspiracy theories again. Gwen doesn’t want anything bad to happen to you, as you very well know. Not everyone in the world has causing you misery as their first ambition.”

“Most of them do,” Arthur mumbled and chewed his sandwich.

“And you’re forgetting one very important point,” Morgana said smugly.

“And what is that?”

“Merlin. He doesn’t actually act as anyone’s puppet, you know that! Gwen can’t push him around and make him do whatever she wants, because Merlin wouldn’t let her, even if you want to believe that she wishes you only evil. Which, I repeat, I don’t believe.”

“Yeah, maybe I’m overreacting a bit,” Arthur admitted and when Morgana looked victorious, he added quickly, “But only a bit! I still think there might be a conspiracy behind all this.”

Morgana just laughed.

“Talk with Merlin. Seriously. You are both adults and can sort out everything that has happened in the past.”

Arthur felt incredulous, but Morgana was speaking again before he could disagree with her.

“Now, to change the subject, do you want to hear what happened at my office today?”

Without waiting for a response, Morgana started explaining in detail how her good friend Morgause had dealt with one particularly difficult customer that morning. Arthur nibbled at his sandwich and kept nodding at appropriate places. He was grateful to have something else to think about, at least for a moment.

 

**September 2006**

Later in his life Arthur was not proud when he remembered the first meeting between him and Merlin. Even years afterwards he felt shame for how he had acted back then. He had been so young, only a couple years out of university; so arrogant and sure that everyone on the planet was prepared to worship the ground he walked upon. Merlin had called him out on his actions and said he was a bastard, and Arthur had fully deserved it even though back then it had made him angry.

It had been an average morning at Pendragon Incorporated, Pen Inc. for short, when Arthur was on his way to his desk. Thanks to his father he didn’t have to start on the first rung of the ladder, but instead already had a decent job he had gotten from under the noses of several more experienced workers. Arthur knew full well that as long as he worked hard, did his work on time and did not mess up anything, he would be leading the marketing department long before he turned thirty. Knowing this did not make him an especially nice person, at least not for people who actually had to start from the bottom and work their way up.

An intern, whose name Arthur never learned, had accidentally bumped into him on her way to the copy machine, and of course Arthur could not let her get away that easily. Intimidating interns was something Arthur did indeed enjoy, because he felt it taught them lessons about real life (Arthur had never personally had to learn those lessons, but that was beside the point). She was not much younger than Arthur; she had probably been out of university for a year or less.

“What exactly do you think you’re doing?” Arthur asked. He never raised his voice. He found the cold and disapproving approach worked better.

“I... I’m sorry. I was on my way to...”

“And you really have to attack innocent bystanders on your way to do whatever it is that’s so important?”

“Mr Knight said I should get the copies of these as soon as possible...”

“That is not an excuse. I might have been in a hurry too, and here you are, running into people and spreading papers on the floor...”

“I think that’s enough, mate.”

Arthur turned to look towards the new voice. He did not recognise the speaker, a young man maybe close to Arthur’s age; tall and lean with ridiculous hair and ears and very blue eyes. He put his bag down and helped the intern collect the papers from the floor. She whispered a quick _thank you_ and was on her way, before Arthur had a chance to scare her more.

“Am I supposed to know you?” Arthur asked the man, the intern forgotten.

“I’m Merlin Emrys. I come here when you need the computers fixed.”

“So I don’t know you. Still, you called me mate.”

“Obviously that was my mistake,” Merlin said, and before Arthur had time to add anything else, “I’ve never in my life had a friend who could be such an arse.”

Arthur was sure he heard a stifled laugh from another employee. When he looked around it was as if everyone was concentrating on their work, but some of the workers were clearly trying to hide smiles.

“Or I one who could be so stupid! You’d better stay out of my way in the future if you want to keep your job.”

Merlin looked him up and down with loathing in his eyes.

“Who do you think you are? The owner of the company?”

“No, I’m his son. Arthur Pendragon. Pleasure to make your acquaintance,” Arthur said and smirked. “Now go and fix whatever you were supposed to and keep your nose out of my business.”

Merlin did not look impressed to hear Arthur’s last name, which was something new. Instead he offered a mock bow and said _Yes, your majesty_ with an insolent voice before walking away. People made way for him, and Merlin disappeared. Arthur looked after him. There was something about that boy. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but he felt as if there had been some kind of tension that had nothing to do with clumsy interns or fixing computers. Merlin had seemed like a puzzle, a challenge, and Arthur wanted to solve every puzzle and beat every challenge that was sent his way. He looked around him again, saw people staring at him, and told them to get back to work before returning to his desk.

\---

Later that day Arthur was walking towards his car. He was texting a message to Morgana to complain about his day and asking if she was up for having a pint with him that night. Because Arthur was concentrated on his phone, he failed to see the car as it made the screeching noise of the driver stamping on the brakes. The car did not slow down and started to swerve on the road, heading directly towards him, but before Arthur had time to think anything besides _I’m going to die_ , someone had pulled him out of harm’s way and the car had crashed into another one that was parked on the side of the road. Arthur tried to catch his breath and accept the idea that he was still alive, and then he realised he lay next to, almost on top of, someone on the ground. He must have rolled over at least once since his head was spinning.

Arthur turned to thank his saviour and saw the same dark-haired man, Merlin.

“I...” Arthur said, but had no idea what to say after that.

“Someone call an ambulance. I think the driver needs help. And they could check Arthur here, too, for any injuries,” Merlin called out to people who were standing around them and gasping in shock. Someone had already pulled a mobile from his pocket and was talking into it rapidly.

Merlin got to his feet and pulled Arthur up, too. He was looking at Arthur suspiciously.

“You’re not going to start complaining about me ruining your suit, are you?”

“No, of course not,” Arthur said quickly. And then, “You just saved my life!”

“Well spotted,” Merlin shrugged. “Though I might have not saved your life, but you would’ve probably ended up in a worse state than the driver, anyway.”

“Yeah, probably,” Arthur said. He felt awkward for calling Merlin names earlier.

“You should get this checked,” Merlin said, and touched Arthur’s forehead. When Arthur felt it his fingers came away bloody and he realised there was a gash. “They may need to put some stitches in it or at least clean it.”

“Yes. I’ll do that,” Arthur said. He was still feeling slightly dizzy.

“Well... I’ll be off. In a bit of a hurry. I’m not needed here, though you can give my name to the police if they need eyewitnesses for the accident. Merlin Emrys? Remember that?”

Arthur nodded; Merlin smiled and began to walk away.

“Do you need a lift wherever you’re going? I do have a car,” Arthur offered. Merlin turned back to look at him.

“No, thanks. I don’t think you should drive either. The medical people would probably agree with me,” he answered and waved his hand.

“Hey, Merlin!” Arthur shouted after Merlin when he was already yards away, and Arthur’s brain finally caught up. Merlin turned to look at him again. “Thanks. I mean... you did save my life.”

“No problem. Prats like you clearly need guardian angels to take care of them,” Merlin said, and grinned before he disappeared around a corner.

The doctor who checked Arthur did indeed clean the wound on Arthur’s forehead and advise him not to drive a car that evening. He talked to the police who told him the driver had been drunk which was why he had lost control of his car. Since Arthur couldn’t drive, he called Morgana to pick him up and on the way home called his father.

“So who is this Merlin person you told Uther about?” Morgana asked when Arthur ended the phone call. His father had been pleased that Arthur was all right and promised to come up with some sort of thank you gift for Merlin. Arthur didn’t pay much attention to what his father may have had in mind; he was grateful to Merlin, of course, but whatever Uther did couldn’t really affect Arthur in any way.

“He’s...” Arthur started and then ended up telling the whole story about Merlin annoying him during the day and then ending up saving him nevertheless.

“Ooh! He sounds like an amazing person!” Morgana said after she had stopped laughing.

“Please, concentrate on driving. I’ve already almost been in one car crash this afternoon.”

“I can drive and mock you at the same time perfectly well, thank you,” Morgana said. “And you’re avoiding the real topic. Merlin.”

“He’s an idiot.”

“Apparently an idiot who saved your life.”

“Yeah. But don’t start planning anything evil now!”

“Me? When have I ever planned anything evil, brother dear?”

“Ever since I’ve known you.”

Morgana dropped Arthur home and promised to call him during the evening just to check that he had no concussion. Knowing Morgana, she would also spend the phone calls asking more about Merlin. Arthur wasn’t quite sure what to make of it.

\---

The next morning Arthur’s back was hurting. Well, being forcefully dragged out of the way of a drunk driver and falling to the ground as a result could do that to a person. Arthur decided he needed a large cup of coffee before going to work.

Morgana picked him up again and dropped him off at work and told him to keep out of further trouble. Arthur rolled his eyes and told her he was an adult and left Morgana’s car before she could make any more unkind remarks.

Arthur sat down at his desk and switched on his computer. He was tired, and coffee didn’t seem to help at all. He almost thought he was dreaming when he suddenly heard a vaguely familiar voice.

“Hi again, Arthur.”

It was Merlin who was leaning against Arthur’s desk and grinning down at him.

“Long night? Or stressed out from terrifying more innocent interns?”

“You know, you can’t really speak to me like that,” Arthur pointed out just on principle. “What are you doing here anyway?”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“And you didn’t answer mine!”

“Fine. I work here.”

“Since when?”

“Since your father thought that he should reward me for saving your life and offered me a permanent position here. He thought me working as a temp whose services were bought from another company was not good enough and hired me full-time. Not that I’m complaining! I’ve been here a couple of times and already like the place. Besides some prattish co-workers, of course.”

“You... work here?” Arthur asked stunned. “When did my father have time to talk to you?”

“Last night. Called my home. He told me you had given my name to him, and it was easy enough to get my number after that. You know that your father is a bit terrifying, right? I bet he’s already done a full background check on me and knows all about my parking tickets and report cards all the way from primary school.”

“If you think he’s terrifying, you should meet my sister,” Arthur mumbled, still staring at Merlin incredulously. Merlin chuckled.

“Runs in the family, does it? Well, at least you’re not that scary.”

“Was that an insult?” Arthur asked. He wasn’t quite sure what to make of Merlin. He didn’t seem to do anything that was expected of him. First he was rude to Arthur, then he saved his life, and now there he was all relaxed and making casual conversation.

Arthur was a bit fascinated by him, to be honest.

“Oh right, you want to be intimidating? Sorry, but it’s not working on me,” Merlin said and smiled.

“Do you have any idea who you’re talking to? I could get you fired in an instant. That would probably be the shortest work placement in the history of the company,” Arthur said but there was no heat behind the threat. Merlin seemed to sense that too, because the man just kept smiling and looking at him. Arthur sighed. “Shouldn’t you be working?”

“On my way. Just wanted to say hello and give you my number in case you have any IT problems. I don’t expect you to have the same mad research skills as your father. Also chatting with people is a great way to make new friends. You should try it some time,” Merlin said teasingly and gave Arthur a piece of paper with “Merlin, help desk” and some numbers written on it.

“You don’t have business cards like ordinary people?”

“Hey! I worked as a temp, remember? No business cards. Tape that somewhere. I’m sure I will have to save your arse a second time in the not so distant future,” Merlin said, winking, and then he was gone again.

Arthur blinked a few times and stared at the number. Then he taped it on his computer anyway, damn it. He swore that he would not call Merlin if there was any other IT expert available, though.

\---

Merlin turned out to be right about saving Arthur again.

There was one afternoon when Arthur’s computer crashed, and he had to call Merlin to take a look at it. Of course Merlin was terribly smug about it and asked all kinds of basic questions (“Have you tried turning it off and on again?”), and after that he did something Arthur did not even begin to understand, and the computer was as good as new with all the important files saved.

“Do you have some kind of... magic touch or something?” Arthur asked.

“Nope. Just a bit of knack for fixing things. I’m not actually a wizard, despite my name.”

“Well, magic powers would be completely wasted on you anyway.”

“Oi! See if I come to your aid again in the future! You can fix your own damned computer the next time you screw up!”

“Sorry, sorry,” Arthur said. “I didn’t mean it that way.”

“You did, but it’s okay. You’re forgiven.”

And somehow, from that moment onwards, Merlin hung out at Arthur’s desk whenever he happened to have any spare time. He prattled on about everything and nothing, and Arthur learned many things about him: he was originally from a town called Ealdor Arthur had never heard of, he had never actually known his father, and he liked to laugh and talk and make Arthur smile even when he came up with horrible nicknames for him at the same time.

What was even more surprising was that Arthur did not mind. Between them there was a friendship forming rapidly which was unexpected, but Arthur liked it anyway. He had always been surrounded by sycophants who only saw his last name and bank account, and it was refreshing that Merlin did not care about either of those things. Arthur began to invite him along to their pub nights, and Merlin was forced to meet all of Arthur’s friends, and when even more time had passed, Merlin began to bring his own friends along. Somehow the two groups merged, and some months afterwards Arthur couldn’t even remember who had been whose friend first.

Aside from Merlin. Arthur never forgot that it was Merlin who had really brought the two groups together and who continued to keep them that way. And somehow Arthur felt it to be important that at first Merlin had been Arthur’s friend.

 

**February 2012**

On Friday Arthur had agreed to go out with friends. The week had been exhausting for Arthur; the combination of a divorce process and working for Uther Pendragon would have crushed a weaker person long ago. Usually it was a mixed bunch of their entire group, but this time it was supposed to be only the boys. 

Which of course meant that Gwaine dragged Merlin to the pub with them.

Arthur was not sure if he minded or not. He didn’t mind seeing Merlin, not when he was dressed in dark jeans and a blue button-up shirt, but he had been prepared for a relaxing night and he couldn’t relax in Merlin’s presence. Not yet. Maybe when more time passed he would get used to Merlin tagging along with them everywhere once again, but right now it was a bit more than Arthur could stomach.

Not least because Gwaine kept _touching_ Merlin, and all of their other friends were greeting Merlin enthusiastically. Arthur smiled weakly and concentrated on drinking his beer.

“Are you alright?” Leon asked when he sat on the stool next to Arthur.

“Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?” Arthur answered even when he knew it wouldn’t fool Leon.

“I didn’t know Gwaine was going to bring him. I would’ve warned you.”

Arthur sighed.

“I know. It’s fine, Leon. I just have to get used to it, don’t I? It’s not the first time I’ve seen him since he came back.”

“I know. He told me.”

For some time they just sat in silence. Leon was one of Arthur’s closest friends, always had been, but he didn’t know as much as Morgana did. Still Arthur had a feeling Leon suspected quite a bit more than he said aloud.

“I’m going to go and have another. I’ll be back later.”

Arthur nodded and concentrated on drinking and thinking. He wasn’t usually the kind of guy who sat in the corner of a bar drinking alone, but the situation was just asking for it. He couldn’t really be blamed for his actions.

“Hey, can I sit here?” a voice said next to him soon after Leon had vanished. Merlin’s voice.

Arthur turned his head and saw Merlin who looked uncertain, but in the end he nodded.

“Thanks,” Merlin said and took a seat. He was holding a pint of his own, and Arthur pondered if maybe Merlin was relying on liquid courage as much as he was.

“How have you been?” Merlin asked finally and looked at Arthur. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask you if it’s okay for me to come. Just... Gwaine asked me, and I thought it would be nice to see the others.”

“It’s fine. They’re your friends, too, and it’s understandable you want to spend time with them.”

“I’d like to spend some time with you, too, if you don’t mind terribly,” Merlin said almost shyly and glanced away from Arthur. “It’s... It’s really been a while and... I’ve missed talking with you. I’ve missed you.”

Something in Arthur’s stomach jumped when he heard this. Merlin had missed him? That was a good sign, wasn’t it?

Only Arthur wasn’t supposed to even consider what it would be like to be back together with Merlin. With this Merlin who looked even better in jeans than before and who remembered all the little things and who had missed Arthur. It had hurt enough the first time. But Arthur had missed Merlin too. Had missed him more than he could ever admit aloud, and the only people who probably knew how deep the missing went were Gwen and Morgana, neither of whom would tell Merlin about it.

“Yeah, I’d like to spend some time with you, too. Catch up. Hear about what you’ve been doing.”

Merlin’s face lit up. It wasn’t quite the brightest smile Arthur could remember, but it was more than he had seen in almost two and a half years. Quickly, he took a sip of his pint to cover up the dryness of his throat.

“You know, why don’t you come over to my place? Do you have time this weekend or do you already have other plans?”

“I’m supposed to meet Morgana tomorrow, but I’m free on Sunday?” Merlin said with a hopeful note in his voice.

“That would be perfect. Can you come around two? We would have time to talk properly then,” Arthur said. He knew he was playing a dangerous game, having Merlin at his house again even after such a long time. There were some memories it could bring to the surface, but Arthur really did want to know what Merlin had been up to. He couldn’t pass up on a chance like this when Merlin seemed to be eager to make up for the past too.

“How about Gwen?”

“Oh, she’s not living there anymore. Some of her things are there, but she’s got her own place. We thought it would be better, with the divorce and everything. I think both of our lawyers agree.”

Merlin just nodded and promised to come to Arthur’s on Sunday afternoon.

“Hey, Merlin. Will you come and play darts with us?” Gwaine interrupted them.

Arthur had to bite his lip to not comment aloud how the darts could become lethal weapons if Merlin was throwing them. Merlin took one look at his face and seemed to know exactly what Arthur was trying not to say, and Merlin’s eyes narrowed.

“Yeah, sure. Coming,” Merlin shouted back and then turned towards Arthur again. “You joining in?”

“No thanks. I prefer my eyes where they are. I’d better stay here and watch the game from afar.”

“I’ll have you know that I’m excellent at darts!”

“Sure you are. Still, a man can never be too careful when it’s you handling sharp objects.”

Merlin muttered something that sounded like he was saying where exactly Arthur should shove his sharp objects, but he was still smiling. It reminded Arthur so much of the way things had been between them that he did indeed move a bit closer to follow the game. He didn’t join in though, and laughed with the others when he noticed that Merlin’s aim was probably worse than it had been ever before. Merlin blamed bad darts and lack of practice; Arthur blamed Merlin’s complete lack of hand-eye coordination.

In the end, the night turned out not to be a disaster. When Arthur called Morgana early Saturday morning to tell her everything that had happened, Morgana warned him strictly against spending too much time alone with Merlin. Arthur promised to play nicely; he didn’t particularly want to break his heart again, not that he said as much to Morgana.

He wondered vaguely what Merlin would talk to her about later that day.

 

**December 2007**

The company Christmas parties were stupid and dull events that Arthur was forced to attend, because his father thought it would be good for him and he could make connections there. Arthur had no idea how he was supposed to make any new connections in a room full of people who were drunk and snogging each other with the excuse of keeping up the holiday spirit.

Arthur was bored out of his mind and would have welcomed any distraction at that moment.

“Hi. Enjoying the party?” Merlin asked, materialising next to Arthur.

“Not really, no,” Arthur said and took a gulp of his drink.

“Why not? You could be there dancing with people and... erm, maybe practicing other activities like everyone else seems to.”

“Don’t think you’re the first person to suggest that. Sophia tried to drag me under the mistletoe as soon as I arrived. I managed a very successful disappearing act, though. Thank God for that.”

“Aw, poor Arthur is being molested by pretty girls. What a terrible fate.”

“You don’t sound completely serious about this!” Arthur said and tried to hide his smile. Somehow Merlin could always make him feel better, whatever the situation.

“I’m terribly serious! Christmas is serious business! Especially the Christmas parties. It’s not like you’re supposed to enjoy them or anything.”

“Cheeky!” Arthur said and gently slapped Merlin’s head.

“No Christmas kisses for you then. What have you been doing the entire evening if those are out of the question?” Merlin asked.

“Got drunk. Wished I was anywhere else than here?” Arthur answered.

“You are no fun! And you’re not even that drunk.”

“And you are?”

“Nope. Drinking water at the moment. My uncle Gaius always says I should not be let near alcohol in any situation. I hardly have to drink anything to be under the table or making a complete fool out of myself.”

“You’re already a fool completely sober. Though I always suspected you’d be a cheap drunk,” Arthur said and grinned.

“Not cheap. Economical,” Merlin answered with a grin of his own.

Then Arthur saw a glimpse of blond hair among the group of people standing very near to them and grabbed Merlin’s arm.

“Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

“What? Why?” Merlin asked, startled.

“Vivian. No way am I talking to her.”

“Okay. You’re scared of pretty ladies, fair enough. So where are we going?”

“Outside? To get some fresh air?”

“Works for me.”

\---

“So what are you doing for Christmas?” Arthur asked when they were outside. The cool December air felt soothing in his lungs and on his skin.

“I’m going to Ealdor tomorrow. Let mum baby me for a couple of days. She’s going to complain about me not eating enough and then stuff me up with food all through the holidays. What about you?”

“Well, you could do with a bit of feeding up.” Merlin slapped him, but the hit was cushioned by his gloves. “Ouch! No need to hit me for stating the obvious!” Arthur said, and laughed. “I’m going to father’s. I think Morgana is going to come, too. It’s going to be awkward and too fancy and by the end of the holidays I’m going to wish I could come to work again and not see either of them for months.”

“Don’t pretend! You love them both, even though you don’t admit it!” Merlin teased.

“I do no such thing!”

There was a moment of companionable silence, and Arthur looked at the clear night sky which was filled with stars.

“You know, it would actually be rather a perfect night for romance,” Arthur said. He was not sure what made him say it, because it was such a cliché, but for the first time that night he actually did hope he had someone to whom he could give a Christmas kiss.

“Yeah, it’s beautiful out here,” Merlin sighed, and Arthur glanced at him quickly.

And then turned to look again.

There had always been something about Merlin. How he challenged Arthur and made him want to be a better person. How they communicated with insults and shared looks and smiles. In the faint light of the stars and the glowing ball room behind them Merlin looked absolutely gorgeous, and Arthur had no idea how he could have missed it before. Maybe he was just drunk? No, Arthur could still count almost every one of Merlin’s eyelashes and see the laugh lines around his mouth. His lips were pink and slightly chapped in the cold air. His neck was hidden under a thick scarf, but Arthur could remember skin that asked to be kissed and bitten and covered with marks.

Arthur shuddered.

“Are you cold? We can go back inside if you like?” Merlin asked, looking at him.

Arthur shook his head and leaned closer to Merlin. He swept a lock of hair from Merlin’s forehead so he could better see Merlin’s eyes. So, so deep blue.

“Arthur?” Merlin asked, and there was a slight hitch in his breath. Arthur didn’t know how to explain the realisation or how to describe the feeling, but instead of trying to put it into words, he leaned closer and kissed Merlin softly.

Merlin gasped but also leaned closer, and then they were kissing properly. Merlin’s hands holding Arthur’s head and Arthur’s hands behind Merlin’s back. It was soft and sweet and tender and everything Arthur might have hoped from a Christmas kiss.

Then suddenly Merlin stepped away from him. Arthur licked his lips to catch any remaining taste of Merlin, and Merlin’s gaze flicked to his mouth quickly.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” he babbled. “You’re... I’m... I’m sorry, but I can’t do this right now. You’re drunk.”

“I’m not,” Arthur said but his head was spinning a bit, and he wasn’t sure if it was the result of the kiss or the alcohol he had consumed earlier. Merlin flashed him a smile.

“I need to go anyway. We can talk when I come back from Ealdor, okay?”

“Sure,” Arthur said, but he was confused. Merlin had kissed him back, hadn’t he? Surely Arthur hadn’t _forced_ him? There was a slight panic in his mind at that thought, but Merlin was still smiling.

“Bye. See you later.”

“Merlin!” Arthur called after him, and Merlin turned to look at him. “Just... Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Arthur.”

And then Merlin was gone again.

When Merlin came back from Ealdor after the New Year, they did not talk about the “Christmas party incident” as Arthur called it in his mind. They returned to the same comfortable friendship they had always had, but there was always something more, something Arthur couldn’t quite place.

The taste of Merlin’s lips took weeks to fade away completely.

 

**February 2012**

Arthur wasn’t expecting the doorbell to ring on Sunday. For a moment Arthur had to think who it might be or if it could be his father, until he realised that Merlin had promised to visit him and didn’t have the key to his house anymore. Arthur had not had visitors for God knows how long, and people who visited usually just used their own keys. Morgana popped in when she pleased, and of course Gwen had lived there; she still had the keys so she could slowly remove her things from Arthur’s house.

“Hello,” Arthur said when he opened the door. “Come in and... well, you know where to leave your things.”

Merlin forced a smile and went to hang his coat like he had been there only yesterday.

“Do you want tea?” Arthur asked, trying to remember what it was like to play a host to guests.

“I’d love some, thanks.”

It took a few minutes for the water to boil and while waiting for it, Arthur saw that he was not the only one who was nervous. Merlin was shifting awkwardly and didn’t quite meet Arthur’s gaze. Arthur gave him the cup and they sat down around the table.

Arthur loved that table. It was completely round, and it was impossible to find suitable tablecloths, but he loved the table and had always thought it looked good in the room.

“It looks almost exactly the same. Except for the...” Merlin said quietly and pointed at some of the paintings and kitchenware Gwen owned but hadn’t yet taken with her. “I didn’t think I had missed this room so much.”

Merlin was watching everything with amazement in his eyes, like he was seeing something new and wondrous, and it pained Arthur. It pained him to remember that there had been a time when Merlin had sat at the table and prattled on about who knows what and not even expecting an answer from Arthur.

They were both rather terrible at small talk. Oh, Arthur could do it well enough with business acquaintances, but to talk about something meaningless with Merlin was completely different. He could not pretend to do that.

“Could we at least acknowledge that there was a time when we knew how to have an actual discussion?” Arthur finally snapped when the silence around them began to pound in his ears. Merlin blushed.

“Sorry. I know I shouldn’t avoid it, but I just honestly have no idea what to say.”

“Well, let’s start with the question we’re both expecting then. Why did you have to leave?”

“I didn’t...” Merlin started but paused in the middle of the sentence. “Arthur, the whole thing with your father... I didn’t want to make you have to choose between me and him, because you’ve already lost one parent, and I didn’t want to be the reason you lost the other. And I needed some time on my own. Getting to know _me_. I was spending so much time with you, and I loved every second of it. But in the end I had no idea what kind of a person I was without you anymore, and that’s what I left to find out. Surely you can understand that? I got the idea after Lance left.”

Arthur wanted to say _I know what kind of a person I was before I met you. I know what kind of a person I was without you. I hated that person. I never want to be that person again,_ but he didn’t. He just looked at Merlin and wondered if he was the weaker one of them. He was the one still pining after the other when over two years had passed, and Merlin didn’t seem to be hurt at all.

That thought cut him the most.

“I’ve been out there _finding myself_ , but what’ve you been doing the last two years?” Merlin said, trying to sound cheerful while he watched Arthur across the table.

It deceived neither of them.

“Let’s see. After my lover left, I started dating his best friend, just because she reminded me a bit of him and it was an excuse to spend less time on my own. I got depressed and found it hard to even leave the bed most mornings, because I felt no reason to. I almost lost contact with all my relatives besides Morgana, because I didn’t want them to ask me how I was or hear the disappointment in their voices. After I decided to get a grip and go back to my old life, I drowned myself in work and almost burned out on top of the depression. During that time my girlfriend and my sister were the only people who called me outside work. I got married for all the wrong reasons, and had full three months of happiness after the honeymoon before the fighting started. Now I’m still working for my father who thinks I’m never good enough, getting a divorce, and the last two years have probably been the most horrible of my whole life.”

It was the most Arthur had ever talked about that time to another person, aside from his therapist Elena. Merlin stared at him, and from his expression Arthur could tell that he was not far from crying.

“I...” Merlin said, but instead of actually finishing the sentence, he came around the table, landed on his knees in front of Arthur’s chair and hugged Arthur so tightly he couldn’t draw a breath for a moment. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you. I didn’t know.” The words were mumbled against Arthur’s shirt, Merlin’s lips so close to his skin; Arthur had a suspicion Merlin might by now have tears in his eyes. Somehow Merlin crying against him and his arms around Arthur’s waist and Arthur’s hands around Merlin’s shoulders was the most comforting thing he had felt for a very long time. No one ever hugged Arthur so casually, no one ever even touched Arthur, and having a person so near felt... good.

Even when the person in question was the one who had started this emotional rollercoaster for Arthur in the first place.

A while later, it could have been minutes, it could have been near half an hour, they parted and Merlin sniffed. He went back to his seat, smiled sadly to Arthur and said, “Maybe I was the wrong person to leave to see the world and find himself. You had way more reasons to go than me.”

“No, thanks. I don’t like travelling alone. I’d rather share the experience with someone,” Arthur answered.

Arthur didn’t meet Merlin’s eyes. He cradled the mug in his hands and pretended to take sips even when the mug was already empty. The silence was far from comfortable, but it was something Arthur found familiar and for once in his life he felt no pressure to say anything at all.

“I should probably go,” Merlin said after the silence had stretched for long moments, and Arthur had almost forgotten his life was in ruins and this was not just another Sunday afternoon spent with Merlin. Because Merlin _had_ left. They were not a couple anymore. This discussion, if it could be called, that didn’t change the facts, and even if Arthur felt this was the first time in two years he felt _right_ in his own skin, it didn’t erase those years or take things back to the way they were before.

“Yeah, I’ll see you to the door,” Arthur said, and rose from his seat. He watched Merlin put on his coat and scarf but before Merlin opened the door, Arthur touched him on the shoulder. Merlin looked at him, and they both knew what Arthur was going to ask, before he said the words.

“When are you going to leave again?”

Merlin shook his head.

“I haven’t planned anything. I might not stay here forever...” Merlin said and put his hand on Arthur’s to draw his full attention to himself. “But maybe the next time I’d rather travel with someone else, too.”

Then Merlin left, and Arthur was feeling confused and miserable again.

 

**March 2008**

“What’s your deal with Merlin?” Morgana asked Arthur one afternoon, when instead of proper lunch they had just gone out for coffee.

“What deal? There’s no deal, with Merlin or without him,” Arthur said, but kept his eyes on his coffee cup, concentrating on pouring milk into it. Besides himself, only Merlin knew the exact amount of milk he liked in his coffee.

“Oh, please. He’s been spending all his time with you for months. I’ve seen the way you look at him.”

“There is no way I’m looking at Merlin. He’s my mate, my employee. Of course I spend time with him!”

Morgana raised her eyebrows.

“You’re not head of the department yet, Arthur. Just a project manager. Merlin doesn’t actually work for you, you know.”

“Yeah, but he’s there, and let’s face it, at some point I’m going to be the head, too.”

“I see. And I guess he just really likes to hang out with his future boss in his free time?”

“Drop it, Morgana. You’re delirious.”

“So if I said that Merlin is dating someone else,” Morgana began, and Arthur’s gaze snapped up, alarmed. “You wouldn’t care, of course, because you’re only _mates_ with him?”

Morgana’s tone of voice was entirely too innocent.

“Who is Merlin dating?”

“You just said you don’t care.”

“I don’t,” Arthur said. “ _Who?_ ”

“Oh brother dear, it was a hypothetical situation,” Morgana said, smiling, and Arthur most certainly did not sigh in relief. “But I’ve seen Gwaine looking at him in a particularly interested way. I think Merlin might be interested, too.”

“Gwaine? Honestly! What would Merlin even see in that guy?”

“You mean aside from him being good-looking, fit and funny, and practically a knight in shining armour? I wouldn’t know. You should ask Merlin about it.”

“I’m not going to go asking Merlin such things. They’re none of my business.”

“Whatever you say, Arthur. I’m just saying that if you want Merlin to ever be anything other than _just a mate_ , you’d better hurry. There are other takers in the line.”

Arthur only huffed.

“And I don’t really wonder why. Merlin is intelligent, nice, funny, and extremely beautiful. If he was even remotely interested in my sex I would make a play for him.”

“You keep your hands off Merlin, you witch!” Arthur said, even when he knew Morgana didn’t really mean what she said. But it was the truth anyway. Merlin was quite beautiful and fun and way too popular among Arthur’s friends and their co-workers. So far Arthur was one of Merlin’s best friends, but Arthur wasn’t sure Merlin would want to keep him around if he had any better offers.

“Oh, Arthur, you’re so precious! Always acting confident but inside you’re just so self-conscious.”

Arthur did not say anything but concentrated on his coffee until Morgana changed the subject.

 

**March 2012**

Arthur was on his way back to work from lunch when he saw a man walking towards the same building. The man looked familiar.

“Lancelot?”

The man turned around and smiled at him.

“Good afternoon, Arthur. It’s been a long time!”

“It has. Good to see you! I had no idea you were back in the country,” Arthur said and clapped Lance on the back. “How long have you been back?”

“Just a week. I’ve been looking for a job actually. Leon promised to help me find something, and I was on my way to meet him.”

“So how come you’re suddenly back? Already saved all the poor children in India?”

“Hardly,” Lance laughed. “There would’ve been a lot more to do, they even offered me a permanent job in the organisation, but I missed home. I felt it was time to come back. And then Merlin told he had returned here, and I thought I might as well.”

Arthur stopped.

“Merlin talked to you?”

“Yeah, he stayed with me for a few months in India, and we’ve stayed in contact. Of course it was hard when I was working all the time, and Merlin was moving from one place to another, but we sent letters and emails and sometimes called.”

Suddenly Arthur felt a surge of jealousy. It was irrational, since as far as he knew Lance was completely straight, but Arthur had not known the two of them had stayed in contact.

It made him nauseous that everyone else had seemed to talk to Merlin more than he had.

“Arthur? Are you okay?” Lance asked. His voice was full of worry.

Arthur was not sure how to answer that. He wasn’t exactly okay, but he couldn’t say it out loud. Not to Lance. Instead he covered his feelings and smiled slightly. He was being stupid. Of course Merlin had kept in contact with Lance. The two of them were friends after all.

If Merlin was no longer friends with Arthur, it was not Lance’s fault.

“I’m fine, thank you. So, what kind of job were you looking for? I might be able to pull a few strings...”

\---

“Arthur, your father wants to see you,” Leon called from the door of Arthur’s office.

“Yeah, okay. I’ll see him after I’ve finished this.”

“He said it was urgent.”

“Did he mention what it’s about?” Arthur asked. Whatever it was, it could wait until he’d done these papers. It wouldn’t take more than half an hour anyway.

“No, but I think you can finish those first. I don’t think it was a work issue.”

“Great. Let him know I’ll be in his office in an hour,” Arthur groaned.

“Will do,” Leon said and closed the door.

\---

After finishing the papers, Arthur rose from his seat and walked to his father’s office. He nodded at Uther’s secretary who was currently on the phone and just waved at him to go in.

Arthur knocked on the door and heard Uther call him to enter.

“You wanted to see me, father?”

“Ah, yes. Sit down, Arthur.”

Arthur sat. Being in his father’s office always made him feel like he was a naughty schoolboy who was about to get a lecture on how he should not bully anyone or how he should concentrate more on his schoolwork. It was funny how some people could have that effect.

“I heard Merlin Emrys is back in Camelot.”

Ah. Arthur should have realised this talk was coming. Now he was completely unprepared but he immediately knew he was not going to let his father decide what to do with his life this time. He would not let Uther scare Merlin away.

“Yes, he is. I suppose Morgana told you?”

“She did. I wonder why you didn’t,” Uther said. His tone was not accusing, but he was looking at Arthur pointedly.

“I didn’t see any reason to. I didn’t know it would have any effect on your life.”

Uther sighed.

“Arthur,” he began, and Arthur’s heart sank. It never boded well when Uther said his name in that particular tone of voice. “You are at a very emotional point of your life. You’re already going through a divorce, and I can imagine you might feel a little confused at the moment. Your feelings might be a bit more vulnerable than usual.”

Arthur waited patiently for the penny to drop.

“I’m not saying this as your employer, but as your father. I’m not sure it’s a good idea to spend too much time with that man.”

“Because of his relatives?” Arthur asked. If it was going to be the same old argument all over again he wanted to know.

“No, although I must say I’m still not too thrilled about those. I’m saying this because you cared for him very much, and I don’t want you to repeat the mistakes you made years ago. I’m not sure he is good influence.”

Arthur was stunned. It was as if Uther was worried about him. It actually sounded like Uther was only concerned for Arthur’s well-being.

“You are in serious danger of falling for him again, and I’m not sure if that is a good idea.”

“...alright,” Arthur said. “I will think about it. I think Merlin just wants to be friends anyway.”

“Good.”

“But I won’t promise you anything. I’m an adult, father. I will not walk away from a good thing just because it _might_ end up hurting me!” he warned. He didn’t want to make promises he couldn’t keep.

Uther sighed again.

“I didn’t think you would. It seems stubbornness runs in the family.”

That made Arthur smile. It was almost an admission that his father would do the same in his situation, and it was very damn near a blessing.

“Thank you for your advice in any case.”

“Yes, good. That was all. You can go back to your work now. A lot of things to be done today,” Uther said. Arthur left the office but couldn’t quite wipe the smile from his face.

 

**May 2008**

“I’m not that keen on labels. I date whoever I feel like dating,” Arthur said casually. He was not trying to hit on Merlin because the man was practically his employee! He was not! Even if Arthur wasn’t his (future) boss, Merlin was annoying and talked too much and was clumsy and, oh God, way too beautiful for his own good.

“Oh, right. I’m not too keen on labels either, but practice has shown that heterosexuality and I don’t go too well together,” Merlin answered and took a sip of his pint. They were out with their friends, but somehow had ended up sitting by themselves at the table. Gwen and Lance had slipped away to spend some time alone, Morgana was chatting with random people, and the others were playing darts or doing whatever they did.

“Bad experiences with women?” Arthur asked, amused.

“Yeah. Well, just one. I tried dating my friend Freya when we were teenagers, but it really didn’t go that well. Kissing and talking was all good, but... Yeah. Let’s just say that I don’t communicate with female body parts. Not going to try _that_ again.”

Arthur snorted with laughter.

“And dating boys went better?”

“I tried it with my other friend Will a bit later. It went much better. He was my best friend, and I guess I was in love with him for a while. At least in the _I’m not sure what love is so I’ll just assume this is it_ kind of way of teenagers. We broke up but stayed friends in the end.”

Arthur did not even know why he was asking all these questions. It had nothing to do with work, and Arthur kept telling himself that he wasn’t attracted to Merlin, damn it, but his brain seemed to register all too well the way Merlin’s mouth was moving when he talked.

“I can’t fully rule out the possibility of dating a woman again, but for now it really doesn’t seem all that likely,” Merlin said as a conclusion.

“What about other men? Anyone after Will?”

“A few. Not that many to be honest. Definitely nothing serious. Just casual flings and... you know. Stuff.”

“Yeah. That’s pretty much the story of my life, too. What about...?” Arthur asked and nodded in Gwaine’s direction.

“What?” Merlin asked and followed Arthur’s gaze. “Gwaine? No way! I mean, yeah, we have, a few times, but... It...” Merlin shrugged. “Just no. We had sex, but that was that. It wasn’t a relationship or dating or anything. Just friends with benefits, fuck buddies, you know the deal. And I’m not even doing that anymore! I feel like I’ve already had my share of that. I want something permanent and serious next. Something like Will was.”

“Why did you two break up if you were good for each other?”

“Well, we were best friends and I loved him, I still do, but we just wanted different things in life. I wanted to do something bigger, see the world, see life outside a small town, and he just wanted to stay in Ealdor and grow old. And when I got a place in uni and moved away... we just fell apart. We weren’t in love anymore, and maybe we just worked better as friends all along. Some people are just not meant to be together.”

“And others are?” Arthur asked and raised his eyebrows.

“Maybe. Call it destiny or whatever, but you can see a connection between some couples right from the start.”

“You believe in destiny?” Arthur asked, because he did not want to analyse further the small smile Merlin was giving him or the way it caused butterflies in his stomach. Teasing was easier. “Things having hidden meanings, things happening because some cosmic power has always meant for it to be like that?”

“Maybe not like that, but more... subtle. Some people are meant to meet, some stories are meant to end a certain way, small things like that. I do believe that sometimes you can see how a situation is going to end right from the beginning,” Merlin said and raised his glass to his lips.

Arthur’s gaze followed the movement, and at that moment he really did hope he could believe in that kind of destiny too, because it didn’t seem like such a bad thing.

### 2\. Stack

**August 2008**

Arthur was jealous.

He had no reason to be jealous, because Merlin was an adult and of course people could go and try to hit on him if they wanted to. Merlin had no reason to chase them away.

And yet seeing some (quite handsome) guy talking to Merlin and touching him casually while he was getting more drinks made Arthur insanely jealous.

He was drinking his pint and hadn’t realised that the table where they were sitting had fallen silent around him. Everyone was throwing glances in Arthur’s direction, and Arthur did not notice them at all. He wasn’t really even aware he had been staring at the scene near the bar before Merlin turned to look towards their table and mouthed “help.”

It might’ve been some other word, but Arthur was shaken out of his state by Morgana.

“Arthur,” she said, and Arthur turned to look at her. “Go.”

For a moment Arthur didn’t understand what Morgana meant until she pushed him gently and pointed at Merlin.

” _Go_ ,” she repeated, and Arthur obeyed and was marching towards Merlin before he had time to think about how bad the idea really was. He still didn’t know what to say when he reached them, but then he opened his mouth and what came out was, “Would you get your dirty hands off _my_ boyfriend?”

He put his arm gently around Merlin’s waist and pulled him close. Merlin looked taken aback for a moment but then smiled at Arthur.

“Hi, baby. What’s taking so long? Is he disturbing you?” Arthur said, this time to Merlin. Well, he had already started the act; he might as well do it properly. He planted a small possessive kiss on Merlin’s temple.

“No, nothing like that. Just talking while waiting for the drinks,” Merlin answered, obviously realising what Arthur was doing. “Would you give me a hand with these, love?”

Hearing Merlin call him _love_ made something swell inside Arthur. He definitely wouldn’t have said no to hearing more words like that.

“Of course,” Arthur said and took the drinks. He made sure Merlin was walking ahead of him and then said “See you later!” in an implausibly cheery voice to the guy who had been flirting with Merlin.

When they put the drinks on the table and everyone had taken their own, Merlin turned towards Arthur.

“Thanks. I thought I would never get rid of him.”

“My pleasure,” Arthur shrugged. “But the guy was rather good-looking. You could’ve examined the possibilities closer!”

“Oh God, no! He was a complete twat! I mean, he was even more of an arrogant bastard than you, and that’s saying something!” Merlin said and smiled a bit. Arthur didn’t mind Merlin talking to him like that anymore. He had gotten used to it and knew Merlin didn’t really mean the insults.

Well, at least not most of the time.

“This is what I get for saving your virtue? Knights in shining armour are definitely underappreciated in modern society! All my nobility going to waste!” Arthur said dramatically and nudged Merlin. He heard Morgana laugh and say something about knights in shining armour not being what they used to be either. Arthur sat down on Merlin’s other side anyway, and even when they talked with other people during the night, Merlin kept throwing occasional seemingly casual glances in his direction.

Arthur didn’t really mind, because he was almost always looking back.

\---

“Can I crash at your place tonight?” Merlin asked at one point during the evening.

“Sure. Too drunk to get home?” Arthur teased.

“I’m not drunk. Just don’t feel like going home alone and yours is closer.”

“Yeah, whatever. You might as well move in with the amount of nights you spend there,” Arthur said nonchalantly and tried not to think how tempting the thought really was.

“If you mind, I can...” Merlin said, but Arthur stopped him in the middle of the sentence with a wave of his hand.

“I didn’t say I mind. Just stated a fact.”

“So you like having me around?” Merlin smirked and waggled his eyebrows.

“Just shut up, Merlin. Yes, you can spend the night at mine.”

“Okay,” Merlin said and took a sip of his pint.

\---

When they got inside Arthur’s house later that night and had closed the door behind them, Arthur didn’t even have time to take off his coat before Merlin was right in front of him, touching his neck and hair.

“I’m really, really sorry if I’ve misread the situation, but I _must_ do this and see what happens,” Merlin said.

And then Merlin was kissing him.

It was only a slight press of lips at first, and Merlin pulled back quickly, but when Arthur didn’t let Merlin step away (and when had he wrapped his arms around Merlin?), Merlin tugged him close and kissed him again.

This time Arthur was ready for it and opened his mouth to kiss back and then suddenly he had Merlin pressed against the wall and there were soft noises of encouragement and Merlin had one leg wrapped around his thighs and hands dancing on his back and tugging off the coat and the shirt under it.

Merlin was babbling nonsense when Arthur dragged him towards the sofa. The bedroom was upstairs, damn it, and Arthur wasn’t sure he could make it that far. Merlin was still talking when Arthur pushed him down and joined him on the couch. It wasn’t like the words were exactly unwelcome; Arthur would have been very pleased to hear them in any other situation, but right now they were distracting him from the actual point. Arthur really wanted Merlin to concentrate on what they were doing.

“Merlin?” he said, when he had finally got both of them bare-chested.

“Yeah?”

“Shut up. Less talking and more action.”

It had to be said that Merlin took the suggestion to heart and did a pretty impressive job of undressing them both in record time even when he was the one underneath Arthur. Arthur did his best to kiss and mark Merlin’s neck. He knew it was maybe a bit childish, but he felt possessive and wanted everyone to know that Merlin was his and that he had put those marks there. That he was the one who got to touch and kiss and caress Merlin all over and strip him naked. That he was the one who Merlin looked at like this and, oh God, the way Merlin was looking at him was driving him crazy!

Merlin was not talking anymore, in fact he was pretty much past the point where he could even form any coherent words, but he was making quite a lot of noise, and Arthur appreciated it. Arthur wasn’t very vocal during sex, but he was a generous lover. He made it his business to touch every spot of skin on Merlin’s body and make it as pleasurable as possible for him.

Maybe if he was good enough, Merlin wouldn’t want to let him go after just one night.

“Please, Arthur...” Merlin whined. Arthur was kissing his stomach and gently dragging his fingers across Merlin’s arse and between the cheeks. Every time he stroked Merlin’s hole, he heard a faint whine from the man.

“What do you want?”

Merlin moaned and moved his arse against Arthur’s fingers.

“Anything! Just... please...” Merlin said.

“Just a moment,” Arthur said and got up. He remembered having some condoms and lube in the living room cupboard, and he was back in minutes. Meanwhile Merlin had calmed a bit and was now leaning on his elbows. He was staring at Arthur, and Arthur stared back. Maybe it was ridiculously soppy, but it didn’t matter, because it was Merlin who had seen Arthur at his worst and at his best and was still here. Merlin, who Arthur had kissed under the stars at the Christmas party like a great bloody cliché, and with whom Arthur wanted to have more of those kinds of moments.

Arthur allowed himself just a moment of soppiness based on these facts.

He leaned down onto Merlin and kissed him slowly and deeply.

“You’re beautiful like this,” he whispered, and Merlin let out a breathy laugh.

“Stop talking and do something!”

Arthur obeyed.

He took his time preparing Merlin with fingers and generous amounts of lube and enjoyed every breath and sigh and moan. Their actions had slowed down from the moment they had ended up on the sofa, but it was somehow better. It felt more meaningful. Arthur made sure Merlin came before him and leaned to kiss him during his own orgasm. It did not mean he was a romantic fool, neither did the smile he felt on his face or the way he asked Merlin to spend the night in his bed.

At least that was what he told himself. He had the feeling the universe disagreed with him, when he fell asleep wrapped tightly against Merlin’s back, happier than he had been in a long time.

\---

Arthur stepped into the pub and looked around to find familiar faces. The others should have been there already, because Arthur was the only one in the crowd who couldn’t leave work before seven even on a Friday evening. Sometimes he really hated his job. He spotted Morgana and walked towards the table. Merlin was standing up next to the table, passing everyone pints and explaining something with his hands enthusiastically every second he wasn’t holding a glass. Apparently, it was something amusing, because Arthur could hear the roars of laughter from the table.

None of them had yet noticed Arthur. He spent a few moments just looking at his friends, but then Merlin waved his hands high in the air, lost his balance for a moment and would have fallen down if Arthur hadn’t been there to grab him around the waist.

“Steady there,” he murmured and then greeted the others sitting at the table.

He still hadn’t released his grip on Merlin’s waist.

“Honestly, Merlin. I have no idea how you’ve managed to stay alive when I haven’t been looking after you,” Arthur said, grinning near Merlin’s ear.

“It wasn’t my fault! I almost slipped on beer someone spilled on the floor!” Merlin said defensively.

“That someone most probably being you.”

“You don’t have to be such a bastard about it!” Merlin said, but Arthur heard the smile.

“Idiot.”

“Prat.”

Only then did Merlin turn around. Arthur still held his hands loosely around Merlin’s hips, and in return Merlin wrapped his arms around Arthur’s neck.

“Hi,” Merlin said almost shyly but still smiling.

“Hi,” Arthur smiled back and leaned forward to brush a kiss against Merlin’s lips. It felt so right and familiar even when they hadn’t actually kissed in front of their friends before. Merlin returned the kiss, and for a moment Arthur just enjoyed the closeness.

Until...

“Honestly, you two! Go and get a room. You’re so sickeningly sweet you throw off the taste of my beer,” Gwaine commented, and everyone sitting around the table laughed aloud. Merlin’s face turned red. Arthur took a step backwards and had the feeling he was blushing, too.

“It was expected to happen sooner rather than later, though. Now take a seat before Merlin slips again on the imaginary beer,” Gwaine continued, and everyone around the table smirked at each other.

“Yeah, let’s sit down. Here, I got you a pint as well,” Merlin said and slipped in to sit beside Gwaine, pulling Arthur to take the seat next to him. Arthur caught Morgana’s eye, and the witch smiled widely and winked at him. Maybe this dating Merlin thing wasn’t going to be such a big deal after all. So far it had been much less complicated than Arthur had expected.

 

**March 2012**

It was one of their pub nights, and this time it was all of the old gang.

The night was not going well.

If only Arthur could last for a couple of hours. Then he could go home and watch TV or read or go to bed early. Almost all the options were better than staying there and suffering through the pointed silences everyone was giving them every time he and Merlin even looked at each other. Lance was not much better. He had talked to Gwen earlier in the evening, leading to Gwen leaving the table and Morgana going after her for comfort. For a moment Arthur had thought he should be the one to go and follow his wife (even if she wasn’t going to be that for much longer), but luckily Morgana had gotten up first and told Arthur to sit back down.

“Excuse me for a moment. Need to see a man about a dog. Be right back,” Arthur said and left the table. The atmosphere was so heavy it was giving him a headache. Now he almost wished he had left the table earlier even if only to follow his future ex-wife.

Arthur went to the bathroom, splashed cold water on his face and spent some moments staring at his reflection. He would not have been too surprised to see grey hair, but he looked the same as always; he only felt years older than he had a few weeks ago.

When Arthur had collected himself, he decided to join the others again. No doubt there was a lot of gossiping at the table so Arthur went quietly. Maybe he could catch some of the discussion before they noticed him.

It seemed that Arthur was in luck; he noticed Gwaine and Merlin at the end of the table talking about something in hushed voices. There was an empty table behind them, and Arthur sneaked across to sit at that table and listened. Gwaine’s voice was insistent, but Merlin was trying to hush him. It took Arthur a moment to understand what exactly they were talking about, but he could have made a pretty good guess based only on their tone.

“Look. I am trying to make some sense of this, Merlin,” Gwaine said and took a gulp of his drink.

“You never make sense of anything.”

“Shut it! I’m trying to think! Here’s how it goes. Let’s think of person’s life as a house of cards.”

Merlin snickered.

“That’s a stupid allegory.”

“No, it’s not! _Listen._ You try from a young age to build yourself the most beautiful house of cards you can. Some cards may be a bit unstable, some may fall down, but it doesn’t matter that much. It all stays up just because the base is steady, and the other cards keep it up. You’re always building more and adding cards. Some of them are more important than others.”

“Is this going somewhere?” Merlin asked, but he was listening intently and drinking from his own pint.

“Yeah. Imagine you have this house of cards. You’ve done the best you could with the cards you had, but the base is already a bit wobbly because you didn’t have the best start. You’ve had cards falling down here and there, but you’ve succeeded at keeping it all up. The pile is really very impressive if you don’t see the missing cards and only pay attention to how high it is. It appears to be a very nice house of cards, and I’m sure there are jealous people saying that it was so easy to build because you just happened to have a good deck.”

Merlin didn’t say anything but seemed to have an idea of where the conversation was going.

“Then something happens,” Gwaine said. “One card is taken away. I don’t know why, and it doesn’t matter. Maybe someone wanted to play a round of solitaire and needed it. It’s only one card, it might look like it doesn’t matter in this high, impressive pile, but it does, because now the whole house is unsteady and only thing you need to do is...”

Gwaine blew air gently on Merlin’s face.

“...and it all falls down, because that one card that held the whole wobbly pile up is gone. It doesn’t matter if you try to put the card back, the house is already broken and can’t be fixed. The only thing left to do is to try and build a new house and now your hands are already shaking, because the first one went down. Why would this one be any better? And what if you lose a card again? And then you try to pick those cards that aren’t as likely to go away suddenly and don’t take any risks, because if you screw up this time, you might not have the energy to try again.”

“But... I don’t get it. Are we talking about... Arthur?”

“Yeah. That’s pretty much what happened to him after you left. You weren’t here to see it. _I_ wasn’t really here to see it either, because he stopped calling any of us. Months passed without us seeing each other. His life was already falling down in front of his eyes and then you left and...”

“But Arthur is tough! He can survive it.”

“He did.”

Merlin drew a sharp breath. Arthur was hardly breathing at all, wanting to hear every word of the conversation.

“I mean, you already broke his heart once. I’m just asking you to be careful. Don’t break it again. Arthur is strong. Maybe stronger than any of us thought, and he could probably take another blow like that and still survive, but I wouldn’t test it. It was rough enough the first time around.”

Merlin bit his lip. Gwaine shrugged.

“Merlin, I know you wanted the best for you both. You were just finding out things about yourself. You thought that Arthur had to choose between you and his father, but the thing is that it wasn’t your choice to make. It was Arthur’s. And he wouldn’t have chosen, but made it work somehow, found a way to keep you both. When you chose for him and left... He was already trying to keep those cards upright somehow, but without you, I guess he just didn’t see the point anymore. I’m not saying that it’s your fault! But the fact is he’s not the same man you left behind.”

Merlin looked ashamed. He didn’t say a word.

“Look, Arthur’s been building up his life again almost from the start. If you want to be part of this house of cards, I’m sure he’d appreciate it, but please, don’t do that to him anymore. You can make him trust you again, maybe even fall in love with you again, I’m sure of it, but don’t let him down a second time.”

Merlin was quiet for a moment.

“I think I need to...” Merlin said and got up from his seat. “I have to be alone for a while.”

Gwaine nodded, emptied his pint and turned to talk with Lancelot. Merlin quietly left the room. Arthur sat at the empty table for several minutes before rejoining the others.

 

**August 2008**

The relationship between Arthur and Merlin didn’t actually change that much after they began officially dating. They were still spending almost all of their time together, having mock-arguments half of the time, having late movie nights with bad takeout, going out with their friends, and throwing each other those almost hidden half-smiles when they were at work. There were some differences though; most nights Merlin didn’t even pretend he was going home after the Doctor Who marathons, they were casually touching each other more than before, and of course there was a lot of kissing and sex.

None of these changes were bad, in Arthur’s opinion, and Merlin seemed to appreciate them, too.

There was the one time when they had barely made it inside Arthur’s place before they were ripping each other’s clothes off and sucking and biting each other’s lips, jaw and neck. They had never reached the bedroom, as seemed to happen more and more often, but this time they weren’t patient enough to even take it to the living room. Arthur ended up fucking Merlin right in the corridor against the wall, both of Merlin’s legs wrapped around his hips and arms grasping his shoulders and back. Neither of them was completely out of their clothes and when they finished after a pathetically short time, their muscles were so sore they had to make a real effort to actually go upstairs to get some sleep. Merlin suggested just sleeping on the sofa again, but Arthur had dragged him into the bedroom and they had woken up in the middle of the night for a second round.

There was another occasion when Merlin had taken his time with studying every inch of skin on Arthur’s body with hands and lips and teeth, this time in the bedroom and on the bed. After teasing that felt like it went on and on for hours, Arthur had begged Merlin to take him, and Merlin had done as asked. He had prepared Arthur slowly and gently and afterwards Arthur wasn’t able to move any of his limbs or do anything besides wrap them around Merlin and kiss and kiss and kiss. Later Arthur had teased that maybe he wanted to permanently change their positions, but Merlin knew Arthur and knew it was a special occasion when Arthur was willing to let himself to be at the mercy of another person so completely.

It was a good life. It was something that Arthur hadn’t known he needed before he actually had it. He had always thought he would eventually get married, but he had never thought it would be because he was in love with the other person. Now... He wasn’t sure he was in love with Merlin, not quite yet, but it was easy and it was comfortable and even the thought of losing Merlin someday hurt a hidden place inside him. He couldn’t put those thoughts into words, not in ways Merlin would understand, but sometimes when Merlin was looking at him a bit longer and Arthur turned to meet his gaze, for a moment he saw the same affection in his eyes. Moments like that reassured Arthur that maybe, just maybe, Merlin already understood what Arthur felt.

 

**March 2012**

“Good afternoon, Arthur. How have you been?” Elena asked.

“Umm,” Arthur said, as he sat down and thought how he could best answer the question. His and Elena’s professional therapist-patient relationship worked just fine nowadays, and Arthur knew he could confide in her, but still he had a hard time figuring out how to say it out loud.

“Has something new happened?”

“Yeah, you could say that.”

And then he told her everything. Elena didn’t interrupt, but when Arthur stopped talking she did ask him questions. It had always been marvellous how Elena could make him relax and feel as though he was talking to a friend, not someone whose job it was to listen and help people. What was wrong with Arthur’s friends was that they were more worried about Arthur falling for Merlin again and kept warning him against it (like Morgana), or were completely oblivious to what he was going through (like Lancelot), or didn’t want to make him talk about it (like Leon). When Arthur was talking to Elena, he was not being pushed in any direction, but he had the opportunity to talk to someone who knew the whole story and was interested in how he felt, and he could truly think about it for a change. Elena helped him process the thoughts and when his time finally was up, he felt somehow lighter. He had learned to connect this feeling with leaving her office.

At first when Arthur saw the familiar dark hair and blue eyes on the other side of the street he was sure he had just been too deep in his thoughts and imagined them, but then suddenly Merlin was in front of him.

“Hi, I thought I saw you. What are you doing around here?”

Oh, right. Merlin had a flat somewhere in the vicinity. He had almost forgotten.

“I had an appointment with my therapist,” Arthur shrugged.

“Oh. Oh!” Merlin looked surprised. “Gwen said something about you having one, but I guess I didn’t really...”

“Believe that the mighty Arthur Pendragon would fall that low?”

“No! Of course not! I didn’t mean it like that, Arthur! You know I didn’t!” Merlin said, and Arthur sighed.

“I know. I guess it’s still a bit of a sore point that I have to... Yeah.”

“Arthur, all of us have things in our lives we want to sort out. It’s not anything to be ashamed of,” Merlin smiled and touched Arthur’s arm. “I think it’s admirable that you are trying to cope with everything and admit you can’t do everything by yourself.”

Arthur didn’t know what to say to that.

“You have time now? Want to grab a cup of coffee?” Merlin asked, changing the subject.

“Sure.”

\---

“So how is life back here?” Arthur asked.

“It’s fine. I’m working with my uncle Gaius in his shop. He’s a total disaster with computers and asked me to help him with those aspects of his business. It’s not much, but it pays the bills and I enjoy the work. I’m also learning a lot about organic medicines and herbs working with him,” Merlin shrugged.

Arthur just nodded.

“You know, it’s kind of weird to live here again and not see you at work every day,” Merlin added and then froze. “Sorry. I didn’t mean... You know what I mean, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” Arthur sighed. “I must admit I do.”

Arthur wanted to say all the things on his mind. How he missed Merlin at work, even though he now had so much to do that he rarely had any time to have casual chats with anyone.

“I heard they finally made you head of the department. Congratulations!”

“Thank you. I think most people still believe I got the job only because I happen to be the boss’s son. I got some congratulations, but also more than my fair share of muttering. I still hear that every day.”

“Oh. That’s not fair! I know you worked hard to earn that place!” Merlin frowned.

It was a relief to hear Merlin say those words, although Merlin had always believed in him more than he did himself. Arthur smiled at him.

“What about other than work? You never told me why exactly you came back. It obviously wasn’t for work?”

“No, it wasn’t for work. I guess I had thought about it for a while and then...” Merlin said and looked at his coffee cup for a long, stretched moment, while Arthur waited for an answer.

“Will is dead,” Merlin suddenly said, startling Arthur.

“What? What happened?”

“No one knows. He was found unconscious, pretty badly bruised and ribs broken. The police said... They said he might’ve run into wrong people and talked too much. You know Will. He never knew how to just stay quiet and walk away.”

“Neither do you, to be honest,” Arthur pointed out, and Merlin gave a watery laugh.

“I know. Anyway, they took him into a hospital and a few days later he...”

Arthur didn’t say anything. He wished he could pull Merlin into his arms and offer comfort, but there was a table between them. Maybe it was best that there was.

“Is that why you came back?”

“Yeah. Well, that and other reasons I had been thinking about it. But then mum called me and told what had happened and... I flew back for the funeral.”

Arthur had no words. He had never particularly liked Will, but he had been a dear friend to Merlin, and it must have been a shock to be so far away from home and receive such news. First Merlin’s father and now this. Arthur felt like he had no reason to complain about the losses in his life, because Merlin had certainly gone through more.

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said and made Merlin smile weakly.

“Thank you. It means a lot, you know. But it was only the final reason to fly back. I really had been thinking about it for a while. I felt that I left a lot of unfinished business here.”

Arthur couldn’t really say anything to that. They finished their coffees in silence, and when Arthur left, he felt Merlin’s eyes follow him until he reached his car.

 

**October 2008**

Arthur was having dinner with Merlin at a pub close to Arthur’s house. The pub was filled with people, but somehow Arthur could hear both Merlin’s voice and the music that was playing a bit louder than necessary. They’d shared a bottle of wine and were waiting for the desserts to be ready when a familiar song began to play.

“This might be the cheesiest song ever,” Arthur announced during the first notes. Merlin raised his head and listened to the song for a while.

“Really? I’ve always liked it. I think this is what love is all about.”

Arthur looked at Merlin pointedly.

“No, no, listen to it! _I’m not a perfect person_ , and _to change who I used to be_. Isn’t that what love is? Changing the other person for the better and apologising for the mistakes you made, even when the other person was the reason for everything you did?”

“You’re such a hopeless romantic.”

“You say it like it’s a bad thing,” Merlin said, pouting.

“It’s not. But you’re still ridiculous,” Arthur said and leaned across the table to kiss Merlin. Merlin kissed him back, but then suddenly hopped up from his seat.

“We should dance to the song,” he said and took Arthur’s hand.

“What? No!” Arthur said and then added more pointedly, “No, Merlin.”

“Please? Do it for me?” Merlin said and looked at him pleadingly.

“Sit down before you fall down,” Arthur hissed and tried to tug Merlin back on the seat.

“Then get up and make sure I don’t fall,” Merlin said and pulled Arthur to stand up with him.

“Just for the record, I think this is stupid.”

“It’s not stupid. It’s romantic,” Merlin insisted and wrapped his arms around Arthur. Arthur couldn’t really do much else than copy the act.

It wasn’t really dancing but more just them swaying between the tables arms wrapped around each other. Arthur wouldn’t have admitted it aloud, but he liked being ridiculous with Merlin. Being with Merlin made him feel more relaxed about doing stupid things, and it felt good to not be so serious about everything all the time.

“You see? It was fun,” Merlin said when the song ended and another began.

“You liking it doesn’t make the song any less cheesy,” Arthur said, but he had to kiss Merlin a bit harder then. He didn’t want to say the words aloud, but he wanted Merlin to know that Arthur knew what the song lyrics meant and maybe it was a cliché, but damn it, he felt that about the man in his arms.

“Mmhh,” Merlin mumbled into the kiss. Arthur had no idea if that was supposed to be an agreement or disapproval, but since Merlin was pulling him tighter into the kiss, he didn’t really care.

If the story had ended there it would’ve been a very happy ending for both of them.

### 3\. Bridges

**April 2012**

Arthur was driving towards his appointment with Elena after work in pouring rain one afternoon when he spotted a figure standing at a bus stop without an umbrella and apparently trying to keep warm inside his or her hoodie. Only when Arthur drove past the stop did he realise the figure was Merlin, and his bus home was probably late. Arthur swore loudly but still turned around. He couldn’t leave Merlin standing there; not when he was going in the same direction anyway. He would end up hating and blaming himself if Merlin caught a cold just because Arthur had been in too much of a hurry to stop and pick him up.

He turned his car at the bus stop, opened the passenger window, and turned down the music that was coming from the radio.

“Get in before you freeze, you idiot. Do you want to catch pneumonia or what?” he shouted from the open window, making Merlin jump. He had probably been too deep in his thoughts to even realise Arthur had stopped right next to him or even notice if the bus he was waiting for had driven past.

“Arthur?” Merlin said, confused.

“Yes. Now get in the car, idiot. I’ll take you home. I’m going in the same direction.”

Merlin climbed into the passenger seat and shuddered with cold. Arthur turned the heater up a few notches.

“Thanks. I don’t know why the bus didn’t come.”

“The driver probably drowned in the rain. No different from you if you don’t mind me saying so. Why on Earth didn’t you call someone to pick you up?” Arthur said. Merlin was so wet that he had probably been standing at the bus stop for more than a few minutes.

“I thought everyone would be busy. You have an appointment with your therapist, Gwen is somewhere with Lance, and... I just thought it would be faster if I just waited for the bus.”

Arthur shook his head.

“I’m not that busy, you know. I would’ve picked you up. And for God’s sake take the hoodie off and put my coat on. It’s in the backseat.”

Merlin glanced at him, but took off the wet hoodie and reached for Arthur’s coat.

“Better?” Arthur asked and turned the volume of the radio back up.

“Loads. Thank you. Aren’t you late for your appointment already?”

“No, some of us actually know how to leave in time for meetings.”

Arthur didn’t know if he was angry because Merlin had thought Arthur would be too busy to pick him up even though he knew they were going in the same direction, or because Merlin was stupid enough to stay in rain and almost _kill_ himself...!

Mostly he was angry at himself for reacting this way. He had never learned how to express his feelings properly, so he let all his worry express itself in insults and snapping at Merlin.

“I mean it. You can always call me to pick you up. If I’m too busy I will say so, but don’t just assume that,” Arthur said more calmly. “Are you feeling any warmer?”

“Okay. I’ll keep that in mind,” Merlin said and smiled a little. “Yeah, I’m probably going to have a hot shower when I get home.”

“You should.”

They were silent for a moment, and Arthur almost forgot his passenger. He hummed along with the music, until the song changed.

 _I’m not a perfect person, there's many things I wish I didn't do_ , the new song began and made Arthur freeze for a moment. He glanced at Merlin and reached to change the channel. Merlin stopped his hand before he could touch the radio and squeezed his fingers gently.

“Don’t. I love this song. It brings back some happy memories.”

“It’s the cheesiest love song ever,” Arthur mumbled but put his hand back on the steering wheel.

“I know. But it’s what love’s all about,” Merlin said quietly. He was looking at Arthur, but Arthur couldn’t just turn his head to see what kind of expression Merlin had on his face. He had to concentrate on driving.

“You should listen to the lyrics. I don’t know about you, but I know exactly what the singer means with them,” Merlin continued.

“Me too,” Arthur whispered after a moment.

The song ended, but they didn’t speak again until they arrived at Merlin's house.

“Um, so I was thinking...” Merlin started awkwardly when Arthur parked the car in front of his house. Arthur looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“Could I come over to watch Doctor Who some day? I missed series five and six when I was abroad and have only seen random episodes from those. And I liked watching it with you,” Merlin said. He looked nervous and hopeful at the same time but did not look Arthur in the eye when he spoke. Arthur swallowed but managed to keep his voice steady.

“Sure, I have the DVDs. How’s your next weekend?”

“Next weekend is brilliant. Friday or Saturday?”

“We could start on Friday,” Arthur agreed.

“See you then. Oh wait! Your coat!” Merlin said. He took off Arthur’s coat, put it on the passenger seat, and grabbed his wet hoodie. “Thanks again. Really.”

Arthur nodded and smiled a bit when Merlin hopped up the stairs that led to the front door.

He was really happy he was having his appointment with Elena next, because he needed to talk about this with someone.

When he got out of his car in front the building where Elena’s office was and pulled his coat on, he could still smell Merlin in the fabric.

\---

“I’m in love with this Doctor,” Merlin announced after third episode of Doctor Who on Friday. “He’s amazing.”

“I thought you liked Tennant?”

“I did. He was amazing, too.”

“So what you’re saying is that you’d take anyone who is weird in the right way?”

“Nah, not really. But I wouldn’t mind someone with a time machine,” Merlin said and turned to look at Arthur.

“What would you do with that?” Arthur asked, trying to sound mocking although he really feared the answer. His pulse had quickened, because this was the discussion he had wanted and been scared about ever since he had seen Merlin stepping into the room with Gwen and Gwen’s lawyer.

“I just...” Merlin began. “I just wish I could go back and do things differently.”

Merlin was staring at him like he was trying to gather the courage to say something he had been thinking for a long time. He drew a deep breath and looked aside before saying, “I’ve missed you, Arthur. I’ve missed you so fucking much! And I don’t get why you don’t hate me. Why did you let me stay in the room with Gwen? Why didn’t you just throw the coffee in my face? Why didn’t you decide that I deserved to wait for the bus in the rain?”

Merlin looked at his hands and bit his lip.

“Why are you still so noble, Arthur?” he whispered.

“I don’t blame you for everything that happened. I blame my father if I have to blame someone,” Arthur said. He should have touched Merlin, offered comfort, but he wanted to keep his boundaries. He had already lowered his walls, because Merlin just had that effect on him, but he couldn’t let them fall completely.

It never ended well when he let his walls fall down.

“Why don’t you? I was stupid and selfish, and I didn’t have the right to...” Merlin said and pressed his face against his palms. “Morgana and Gwaine and everyone have been telling me to stay away from you. And I should. I really should. But I can’t, because I missed you so much! Every day I thought _this is the day I call Arthur and tell him I miss him more than anything_. You have no idea how much it killed me to hear Gwen talk about you on the phone. She was so happy when she said you were getting married. The day after she told me, I went on a trek with a guide and thought about just getting rid of him and wandering off into the jungle and not coming back, because I thought there was nothing to come back to.”

Merlin was blinking away tears. Arthur listened. These were words he had waited to hear for years, but they just made him more miserable. He felt like he should say something. _I missed you every day. I know how you felt. Some nights I thought there was no point in my life. I thought about buying a flight anywhere and looking for you even when I had no idea where you were._

“I stopped calling my mum for a while, because she asked about you every time and I just felt so shitty about it,” Merlin admitted. “Oh God! I’m sorry I left. I thought it was the best thing to do! I honestly did.”

Merlin wiped away tears from his face, and Arthur wanted to pull him into a hug to comfort him more than ever. For a moment he had to fight against raising his hand to touch the man sitting beside him. There were thoughts running around his head, memories from before, the Merlin he had known mixing with the Merlin here today and Arthur couldn’t handle it for much longer.

“I thought you left because I wasn’t enough of a reason to stay,” Arthur admitted against his better judgment, just because he knew he should say something. Acknowledge what Merlin was telling him.

“No! No, no, no! How could you even think that? I fucking loved you!” Merlin said, and then he really looked at Arthur with red-rimmed eyes.

“I didn’t know that,” Arthur said quietly. Maybe he hoped that Merlin wouldn’t hear, but of course he did. He always did.

“Oh, God, Arthur!” Merlin said and leaned closer to him to touch his cheek. ”I was in love with you, I truly was. You were all I thought of during the first two months after I left. Oh hell, make that six months. I only went because I thought I didn’t have any other choice.”

 _I’m still in love with you_ , Arthur thought, _I still think about you every day_ , and if he hadn’t been emotionally damaged, and if he hadn’t already been hurt too many times by people he cared about, he would have said it aloud. Arthur’s mother was dead; one of the first things he remembered asking aloud was if his mummy was dead because of him, and the thought still lingered, even if it was stupid to feel guilty about something that had happened when he had been barely old enough to breathe with his own lungs. His father was uncommunicative and even if Uther loved and protected his children fiercely, as a child Arthur had never known what it was to be hugged or touched casually, what it was to fall asleep in someone’s arms, what it felt like when someone said they were proud of what he had done and what he had become.

The first time he had known any of those things had been with Merlin. Merlin had been Arthur’s world, he had been the first thing that felt like it could last, and the one thing Arthur had thought could truly make him whole.

Then Merlin had left. Arthur could understand the reasons, but Merlin had left him broken and alone and feeling like his life had lost its purpose. He had never before fully understood what it was like to give his heart and soul to one person, just to see that person crush them. It had felt like a betrayal of the worst kind, but still Arthur had missed and loved Merlin more than hated him for what he had done.

 _No man is worth your tears_ was something Arthur’s father had taught him, but when Arthur grew older, he found some men were worthy of them. Arthur had once told this to Merlin, after Merlin had found out about his father and what had happened to him and had been sobbing in Arthur’s arms. Back then it had felt like the appropriate and comforting thing to say, because all Arthur had wanted was for Merlin to stop crying, but it really hadn’t been, because some tears were necessary. Arthur had never admitted it, but there had been nights after Merlin left when Arthur had fallen asleep on a pillow wet from his own tears. Only Morgana had suspected anything after those nights, but she hadn’t mentioned it and neither had Arthur. Talking about anything to do with feelings was not something the Pendragon’s did.

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” Arthur said, although it did matter. It probably mattered more than anything had ever mattered before. “Maybe if we had a TARDIS we could change the past, but since we don’t...”

“No,” Merlin said and sniffled. “We don’t.”

“You want to watch the next two episodes? They should take your thoughts off other things. You can stay the night and sleep on the sofa if you want to?”

Arthur’s heart beat faster when he said it. He was sure Merlin too remembered all the nights they had spent in here, first Merlin sleeping on the sofa and later wrapped around Arthur, and he knew it could not be like that again. Still he didn’t want Merlin to leave, because it felt like they had a chance to bond again. Do something normal together. For a moment, be like they had been before.

“Yeah, yes. I’d like that,” Merlin said and leaned to take the remote control from the table.

Arthur was faster and grabbed it. He smiled smugly at Merlin and raised his eyebrows at him.

Merlin just laughed weakly.

 

**November 2008**

“I’m going to Ealdor for Christmas again,” Merlin announced one Saturday afternoon. Earlier he had been talking on the phone with his mum and was now lying on the sofa with his head on Arthur’s lap.

“Oh,” Arthur said and tried not to let his disappointment show. He knew they had only been together a few months. It may have been a stupid, romantic notion, but he had hoped they could spend their first Christmas as a couple together. “That’s... nice. I guess I’ll be going to father’s again.”

Merlin’s eyebrows furrowed. Then he blinked and sat up.

“Oh for... I didn’t mean it like that, you idiot! Mum asked me if I wanted to bring you along, you know. She wants to meet you, believe it or not,” Merlin said.

“Oh,” Arthur said again, this time in a wholly different tone of voice. “Wait. She does?”

“Um, yeah? I may have been... talking a bit about you?” Merlin answered, embarrassed, and refused to look at Arthur. “I kind of... said we’ve been spending a lot of time together and you have to spend Christmas with your relatives and don’t really want to and she... well, she invited you along.”

“Well,” Arthur said and stared at Merlin who refused to look at him. “I’d be honoured to spend Christmas with you both. I won’t be destroying any traditions, will I?”

“Nah. Mum and I usually spend Christmas together, but she likes company. If you think you can deal with eating too much and drinking mulled wine and wearing horrible jumpers for a few days then it’s going to work just fine. Those are the only traditions we really have.”

“Aww, Merlin. You want to spend Christmas with me! You want me to meet your mum!” Arthur said with teasing in his voice now that his own uncertainty had passed. Merlin shot him a sharp look and folded his arms on his chest.

“Never mind. Forget the invitation. I’ll tell mum you couldn’t come because you’re too busy being a horrible prat.”

“No way. I already accepted! And I’m going to charm your mother so utterly that she won’t want to let me go after the holidays!”

Merlin rolled his eyes.

“Sure you will. Hey! You can meet some of my friends who still live in Ealdor! Freya usually visits during the holidays, and Will is probably going to spend more time in our house than his own.”

“You mean your ex-girlfriend Freya and your ex-boyfriend Will?” Arthur said and frowned.

“Yeah, but we’re still friends. Just because I used to date them, doesn’t mean...” Merlin babbled and then happened to look at Arthur who was trying his best not to pout. A smile sneaked on Merlin’s lips. “Arthur, are you jealous?”

Merlin slid to sit on Arthur’s lap.

“No! Of course I’m not! Anyway, you said it was over and done with both of them?”

“Mmhmm,” Merlin said and leaned to nuzzle Arthur’s neck. “I just think that I might find you being jealous of them a little bit sexy. I don’t remember anyone being jealous about me before.”

Arthur swallowed.

“I’m not jealous. There’s no need to be, is there, _Merlin?”_

“None at all,” Merlin assured and slid his mouth from Arthur’s neck to his lips.

Talking about Christmas, or really anything else, was put aside for quite a long time.

 

**April 2012**

Arthur woke up to the sounds of someone moving downstairs. It took him a while to remember that Merlin had stayed the night on his sofa, just like old times, and that they’d the most meaningful conversation they had possibly ever shared.

“Rise and shine! I’ve made breakfast! You’d better get downstairs, before it goes cold,” Merlin said as he rushed into Arthur’s bedroom.

“You made breakfast?” Arthur asked, confused.

“Yeah. I thought it was the least I could do.”

Arthur wasn’t sure if Merlin meant to say _sorry_ or _thank you_ , but it was appreciated all the same. Arthur got out of bed and pulled jeans on and began to look for a clean t-shirt.

When he stepped into the kitchen, yawning and scratching his head, he found Merlin filling two plates with eggs, bacon and toast and pouring hot water into the teapot. It was too early in the morning for Arthur to worry about having bed head or forming coherent words; he could worry about such things after he had drunk his first cup of tea. Then he remembered that Merlin probably didn’t care. They had seen each other just after waking many times before. Merlin was usually ridiculously cheerful and awake in the morning, but if it meant that Arthur didn’t have to make any breakfast himself, it worked fine for him.

Merlin smiled at him and didn’t try to start any proper conversation with Arthur before he was fully awake. They did the dishes together and after that Merlin hung around awkwardly.

“So do you have any plans for today?” Arthur asked, before Merlin had time to suggest that he should be going home.

“Not really,” Merlin answered, and Arthur sighed in relief.

“We could go to movies? Or an art gallery? It’s too rainy and cold to go to park or anything, but...”

“Could we, I don’t know, take umbrellas and walk around the city? It’s been so long since I’ve been here, and I want to see everything that has changed,” Merlin suggested. Arthur suddenly remembered that Merlin had a weird talent for always finding new and exciting places everywhere. Maybe it was some kind of intuition, but it was never boring to be around Merlin. He was also the more impulsive and social one of them and could probably chat up everyone they ever met. There had been a time when it had made Arthur jealous that Merlin always lured people to him, but then Arthur had learned that it was just who Merlin was. Merlin chatting to other people had never meant that he didn’t go back home with Arthur.

Now he knew he would probably get jealous again, but he tried not to worry about it before it happened. There wasn’t anything he could do about it, because the previous night Merlin had made it clear that what he had felt for Arthur was in the past, and now he just wanted to be friends. That would be enough for him too.

“Yeah, sounds good to me. We should do that,” Arthur agreed and went back to his bedroom to change.

\---

“I always loved doing random things with you,” Merlin confessed when they were inside a small bookshop that Merlin had found in an alley near the city centre.

“Hmmh?” Arthur said and looked up from a book he had been browsing through.

“I think you’re one of the rare people who are always up for doing anything with me, no matter how stupid. I mean, you seem so collected and serious, but you still come with me to little bookshops or sex shops or museums or... anything. It was always so much more fun with you there to share the experience.”

Arthur hadn’t expected this. He always had loved doing these little quests with Merlin, too.

“There’s no one else I’d rather share these things with,” Merlin confessed, and Arthur’s heart skipped a beat.

“Me neither,” Arthur said. Merlin flashed him a wide smile that made Arthur stare at him just a second too long and then he turned around quickly pretending to read another book he took from the shelf.

They spent time in every little, odd shop they could find and enjoyed lunch together during the early afternoon. They ended up sitting in the café for hours and talking about everything possible. The rain hadn’t stopped, but it didn’t matter to either of them, because Merlin was telling Arthur about the weird things he had found on his travels and Arthur listened to every new story with both interest and envy. He hoped he might have the chance to go on a trip like that some day, but at the moment it didn’t look likely, because he was always working and didn’t have the time. When they left the cafe, Merlin was much more relaxed, as if sharing all his experiences with Arthur had been something he had been dying to do.

Arthur knew the only person he’d want to share that experience with was standing right next to him, pulling him in the direction of next shop so excitedly that Arthur almost dropped his umbrella, and pointing at everything around them.

A rush of affection went through Arthur when he listened to Merlin’s achingly familiar prattling and saw how excited he was about every new thing on the street. Arthur wanted nothing more than to pull Merlin back and put his arms around him and kiss him under their umbrellas and hope for the life of him, Merlin would kiss him back.

It was not a rational thought, but anything to do with Merlin rarely was.

“Hey, daydreamer. Let’s go inside, before it gets all windy, and we both get wet,” Merlin said suddenly. Arthur realised he had stepped closer, but was still holding Arthur’s hand and staring at him expectantly.

“Oh. Yeah, sure. Of course,” Arthur said and followed Merlin.

 _Just friends, just friends_ , he told himself when Merlin shot a blinding grin in his direction. _It’s enough for me to be his friend._

\---

They walked back to Arthur’s house when they were both tired and a bit wet. Merlin wondered aloud if he should go home, but Arthur demanded he come home with him so they could watch a few more episodes of Doctor Who together.

“I feel like I’m forcing my company on you,” Merlin said, when Arthur opened the front door.

“Nonsense. You didn’t mind if you did before and I’m more than capable of telling you that I want you to sod off if that’s the case,” Arthur said and dragged Merlin in. “You should have a shower before you catch cold. Figures your umbrella would turn inside out in the wind.”

“Hey! It wasn’t my fault! And it was your umbrella actually!”

“Yeah, it was, but you just fail at using it! And that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take a shower.”

“You’re wet too,” Merlin pointed out.

“We can hardly have a shower at the same time, can we?” Arthur said and then stopped talking. Merlin bit his lip; he probably knew exactly where Arthur’s thoughts had wandered. Arthur turned away and muttered, “I’ll get you a towel.”

Then he fled.

He left the towel and some clean, warm clothes outside the shower room so that Merlin would find them easily and went to make some tea. They would probably both need some, though at the moment Arthur was only thinking about himself. When Merlin came out of the shower and appeared in the living room drying his hair and in Arthur’s clothes, Arthur told him to finish making the tea and went to shower too.

Under the warm stream of water he tried his best not to imagine Merlin standing roughly at the same point he was standing now. He tried not to imagine the morning showers they had taken together before, or the flash of teeth when Merlin smiled, or Merlin pushed against the wall moaning Arthur’s name. Arthur insistently ignored his cock stirring at the images in his head and finished his shower as quickly as possible.

When he came out drying his hair, he asked Merlin what he would like to eat that night and ignored every inappropriate thought in his head.

 _Friends_ , Arthur told himself again and again. _I managed friends just fine before. I can do this._

\---

Arthur was not sure how he survived the weekend with Merlin, but after Merlin had left with a thank you and a smile on Sunday afternoon, he was sure of one thing.

He was completely and utterly fucked and once again falling in love with the man who had broken his heart.

On pain of death he was not going to admit it to anyone. He could already hear all the _I told you so_ ’s Morgana would spout if he ever let her know about this.

Luckily, Arthur had a lot of experience in hiding his feelings.

 

**December 2008**

“Oh, my darling boy! Welcome home!” Mrs Emrys said to Merlin and hugged him. She had been out the door as soon as Arthur had pulled the car up in front of her house.

“Hi, mum. I’ve missed you,” Merlin said and hugged his mother back. Arthur felt a slight twinge of jealousy. He’d never had a parent he could hug that way. But then Mrs Emrys was in front of Arthur and pulling him into a hug too.

“You must be Arthur! You’re very welcome too!”

“Well, your son did insist that I should tag along, Mrs Emrys,” Arthur said, and Merlin snorted.

“Hunith, please! Now come on in before we all freeze to death.”

Merlin gave Arthur a reassuring smile and walked in after Hunith. Arthur took his bag, locked the car and followed.

“So,” Hunith said when they were all inside. “How do you want to sleep? I have one extra bedroom in the house in addition to my own and Merlin’s, but I thought I should ask if you boys would like to share Merlin’s room?”

Merlin flushed tomato-red. It matched the colours of the Christmas decorations unbelievably well.

“I think we can share, can’t we, _Merlin_?” Arthur said airily. Merlin just nodded. He had apparently lost the ability to speak.

“I thought as much. Merlin can show you the room then,” Hunith said and smiled at his son’s confusion. “You make yourselves at home, and I’ll call you when the tea is ready.”

“Thank you, Hunith. That would be lovely,” Arthur nodded and pushed Merlin a bit so he’d realise it was time to move. “Merlin. Take me to your room.”

Merlin shook his head a bit and glanced at Arthur before doing as he was told.

\---

Arthur did indeed meet Merlin’s friend (he tried not to think about the words ex-boyfriend) Will before they had been in Ealdor for even twenty-four hours.

They disliked one another at first sight.

Will seemed to think that Arthur was a posh git who didn’t know anything about the real world and was just playing around with Merlin and didn’t really care about him. Arthur thought Will wasn’t too intelligent and was not worthy of Merlin’s time. Not to mention that he felt a bit threatened when the first thing Will did when Merlin opened the door was to pull him into a fierce hug. Maybe neither of them liked sharing Merlin, but in the end Merlin finally had to step in after watching their interactions with raised eyebrows. He took the conversation elsewhere and started asking what Will had been up to. Arthur chose to go and help Hunith in the kitchen.

Before Will left that night, he took Arthur aside and warned him against hurting Merlin. Arthur was not sure what Will thought he could do to him, but he promised that it was not his intention to hurt anyone. Will was being suspicious and overprotective, Arthur arrogant and bossy, but they both seemed to sense that the other cared for Merlin, although possibly in a different way and was only worried for him. Somehow, funnily enough, after that the situation eased, and Arthur didn’t mind Will coming over as much.

Freya was much easier to handle. Merlin told Arthur that appearances could be deceiving, because Freya could be frightening if she was in the mood, but all Arthur saw when Freya came over was a quiet, lovely girl who smiled a lot when Merlin was in the room and was scared of Arthur.

All in all it was a family holiday spirit the like of which Arthur had never experienced before. He had only known the cold and semi-formal Christmas dinners at his father’s house and here it was anything but formal. Merlin and his mother were singing Christmas carols at the top of their voices at random moments, and Arthur found himself forced to wear a horrible jumper. They were eating every three hours, and Arthur was laughing so hard at some of the stories Hunith told that his stomach began to hurt and he had to concentrate only on breathing for some time. On Christmas Eve, Arthur was reading a book in the living room when Merlin sat beside him and peeked at the book over his shoulder. Arthur turned it a bit and let Merlin read, and Merlin took Arthur’s hand in his and kissed the back of it before letting it fall back on Arthur’s thigh. Hunith was on the other side of the room, and when Arthur quickly glanced that way, she was smiling at them in the kind of true proud mum fashion. It was nice, it was enjoyable, and it felt like home and family.

Arthur hoped he could spend all of his Christmases in similar fashion for the rest of his life.

\---

“Can I sit down for a moment?” Hunith asked, and Arthur nodded to the seat next to him.

“You two do spend a lot of time together, don’t you?” Hunith asked after she had sat down and spent a few seconds just looking at Arthur. He flushed and nodded. “Arthur, I’m not going to play mother hen more than is necessary for you boys, or should I say men, because you’re both adults, but I just wanted to talk to you for a while. I think you like my son.”

Arthur was surprised by this direct approach. If it had been anyone else, he would have said that of course he didn’t, but this was _Merlin’s mother_ and he thought he should at least try to be honest with her.

“Of course I like Merlin. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t. He’s very likeable person.”

 _Nothing like me,_ Arthur thought. Hunith smiled.

“But I think you _like_ like him.”

This time Arthur blushed and stuttered.

“I... I know I’m his boss and I’m not supposed to take advantage of my position...”

Hunith laughed out loud.

“I wasn’t suggesting you would, dear boy. Nothing like that. I was just going to say that your feelings may well be mutual. Merlin talks about you a lot.”

“Good things, I hope? Or complaining what a horrible prat I am?”

“Both, I should say,” Hunith said, still smiling. “But you make him a better man. Being with you has definitely changed Merlin for the better.”

“People mostly say it’s the other way around.”

“That may be, I can’t judge since I haven’t known you before you met him, but to me you seem like a very smart and polite young man. Not to mention handsome,” Hunith said, and this time she had a teasing note in her voice.

“I’m not... That is to say, I don’t know if...” Arthur stuttered again. He hated that talking about Merlin made him react like this.

“You make Merlin more confident and strong-willed. I think it’s admirable that you two can bring your best qualities out in the other. It’s almost like you complete each other. Like you’re two sides of the same coin.”

Arthur really didn’t know what to say to that.

“I won’t bother you any longer. You just remember that you’re always welcome back in Ealdor, with Merlin or without. It’s been a pleasure to meet you, Arthur,” Hunith said and rose from her seat. Then she leaned in and kissed Arthur’s forehead. Arthur hadn’t expected that, so he just muttered thank you’s and goodbye’s, embarrassed at how all sensible words seemed to have left him.

“Talking with my mum?” Merlin said and sat next to Arthur almost as soon as Hunith left.

“More like she was talking to me.”

“Well? What did she say?”

“Told me horrible stories of you as a child and said that you’re a bad influence and I should stay away from you,” Arthur said, straight-faced.

“Prat!” Merlin said and smacked Arthur on the arm, before sliding the hand to caress his neck. “No, seriously. What did she say?”

“She welcomed me back here whenever I want to come. For some reason she thinks I like you. I don’t know what gave her that idea.”

“Hmm, I haven’t the faintest,” Merlin said and pushed his fingers through Arthur’s hair. Arthur relaxed into the touch.

 

**May 2012**

Arthur rather enjoyed his work most of the time. He wasn’t changing the world by working from nine to five (or most of the time longer) everyday in a boring desk job, but it was satisfactory. It was one area of his life where he was always on top of things and knew what was expected of him and what he was supposed to do.

Only the meetings with his father had a habit of changing this pattern and it bugged Arthur every time. He did not like to be disturbed and he knew he was doing a good job leading his department. Still, a meeting with Uther Pendragon was always unsettling, because Arthur always got the feeling that he had done something wrong.

He could never do enough to satisfy his father.

That morning he had a meeting with the entire board of Directors. They had been planning something in secret and even though office gossip almost always let Arthur have some warning about what was going on in the upper levels, this time he had no idea. When his life was already in such a state, he could do without any more surprises.

It turned out he had been correct. His father did indeed have a huge surprise for him and as he had expected, it was nothing pleasant.

The board meeting began as it always did. They went through the reports and discussed them. If anyone had anything to say about the work of their department it was said then. Later it would be mostly Uther speaking and making announcements about the plans for the future. Arthur made his report and he thought it was satisfactory enough. No department really did that well in the current economic situation and Arthur’s was the one which almost always did best.

“I have a guest joining us for the rest of the meeting,” Uther said when there was quarter of an hour left. He opened the door and a tall, beautiful woman stepped into the room. “This is Catrina Tregor and she’s the CEO of Pahared Corp. We have some projects planned with them in the future so from this moment on she will attend most of our meetings. Of course, if there are any delicate subjects we need to discuss, they will remain internal meetings.”

Catrina stood in front of the room next to Uther and talked about her hopes for a bright future full of cooperation between their respective companies. Arthur was listening to her speech and had a really bad feeling about it. He was not sure if he trusted Catrina all that much, but his father seemed to be smitten with her.

It was not only that though. Arthur had heard the name Pahared Corp. before, and associations with the company name were not at all pleasant. He was not completely certain, but if he remembered correctly there had been some talk about their dodgy practices in the industry circles. Arthur would have to have a talk with his father before he did anything irreversible. Letting Catrina in Pen Inc. meetings without running a full check on Pahared Corp.’s account books and knowing more of their practices was not something Arthur was willing to do. Thoughts of Uther ruining the reputation of the whole company and at the same time his own career were running through Arthur’s head, although that was definitely the worst case scenario and simple cooperation with another company would hardly lead to that.

Nevertheless, Arthur would ask his father about it.

After the meeting ended and Uther dismissed the board of Directors, Arthur collected his things and called to his father.

“Not now, Arthur,” Uther said. “I need to talk to Catrina, and she’s waiting for me outside my office.”

“But father, I haven’t heard about any of this before. Why didn’t I know we’re going to have projects with another company? And one we know next to nothing about.”

“Maybe you don’t know about it, but I most certainly do. Now if you don’t mind, I’m a bit in a hurry. If you have further concerns come and meet me _later_.”

Then Uther left the room, and Arthur felt like he had just been cheated in some way. He trusted Catrina even less, because she had apparently managed to wrap his father around her little finger in a very short time. Arthur did not normally suspect anyone for using their looks to climb the company ladder faster, but somehow the smiles Catrina had offered Uther at the end of the meeting made him extremely uncomfortable.

It might have been that Arthur was just overreacting, but he was going to get some information on this Catrina Tregor and the company she led in any case. It looked too perfect and too planned out to be coincidental. Now all Arthur had to do was to find some evidence for his suspicions.

\---

“Hey!” Arthur shouted after Merlin when he noticed the man outside the solicitor’s office. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, thank God, Arthur. You’re here! I thought I had got the day or time wrong!” Merlin walked over to Arthur.

“But what are you doing here? Got yourself into trouble, did you?”

“No! Of course not!” Merlin huffed. “Gwen told me. I’m here for the meeting with your lawyers.”

“Oh,” Arthur said, and his heart dropped. “Giving moral support for Guinevere again?”

“Yes, but I’m here also for you. I meant it when I said I’d like us to be friends again. I know this isn’t easy for either of you.”

“Umm, thanks,” Arthur muttered, a bit embarrassed, and changed the subject quickly to hide it. “I’m sure Guinevere told you to come an hour earlier than everyone else just to make sure you were on time for once.”

“Oi!” Merlin said. “That actually does sound kind of like her, doesn’t it? I’ll have to ask about it when she arrives. Well, anyway. Here I am in my lovely persona. The non-official mascot of the Pendragon divorce.”

“But you know we’re only discussing numbers now? Everything should be settled in a few weeks time.”

“And then you’ll be a free man again,” Merlin said and looked at Arthur intensely. Arthur gave an awkward laugh and rubbed his neck.

“I’ll be a _divorced_ man then. Second-hand goods.”

“Aww, Arthur. You don’t really believe that, do you? Modesty really doesn’t suit you,” Merlin grinned.

“Don’t think I won’t kick your arse just because we’re in the middle of an office and I’m in a suit!” Arthur said and tried to adopt threatening expression.

Right then Gwen walked up to them.

“Boys, boys. Try to behave like adults. We’re starting soon,” she said and mock-glared at them both.

“Save me, Gwen! Your husband is a horrible prat,” Merlin said.

“Like I don’t know that. I’m the one divorcing him, remember?” she said and grinned at Arthur. “So, ready?”

Gwen shooed them both into the meeting room, but Arthur couldn’t quite wipe the smile off his face during their meeting, even when they were discussing what would happen to Arthur’s house. Gwen did not want it anyway, so Arthur kept the house and Gwen received some compensation for it. Their lawyers had yet to agree on the exact sum, but Arthur didn’t care what it would be. It was still just money and every lawyer and legal assistant in this room seemed to be more interested in it than Arthur was.

Gwen looked bored as well. Merlin was whispering at her, although her lawyer was shooting annoyed glances in their direction. At one point, Merlin looked up and grinned at Arthur. It was funny that Merlin was one of the reasons Gwen and Arthur had agreed on the divorce in the end, but he was also the one thing that was making the whole thing more bearable for them both.

After the meeting ended, all three of them went for coffee and Arthur did not even care if it seemed odd to everyone else. It was his marriage and his friendships and anyone who thought he couldn’t hang out with his soon-to-be ex-wife and ex-boyfriend just because he happened to enjoy it could go to hell.

 

**January 2009**

“Hey! Lance! Haven’t seen you around for a while,” Arthur called out when he saw one more familiar face had joined their group at the pub. Lancelot had been working for Pen Inc. for a while until he had gotten a job offer abroad and left without another word. He and Guinevere shared a peculiar relationship. It was an on-again, off-again type of thing, where nothing was ever discussed between them, but Arthur was sure they truly did love each other and were meant to be together. Lance did not like to stay in one place for long periods of time, but it worked for them, and Arthur was hardly one to question anyone’s relationships.

“Yeah, been back for a few weeks. Sorry we haven’t had time to catch up, but I hear you’ve been keeping busy too,” Lance said and nodded in Merlin’s direction. Arthur was sure Merlin had blushed quite terribly next to him.

“We have,” Arthur said and wrapped his arm around Merlin, who glared at him. Arthur just laughed and drew a couple of chairs next to the table for them.

Most of the night was pleasurable like most of their group nights tended to be. Merlin talked with Lance almost the whole evening, though Lance did give some of his attention to Gwen who was sitting next to him and smiling like she only did with him.

On the way home Merlin stared out of the taxi window, and Arthur had to call his name several times, before he snapped out of it.

“What are you thinking?” Arthur asked.

“Nothing,” Merlin answered.

He was obviously lying, and Arthur just looked at him.

“No, not nothing. I was just thinking how much I envy Lance. He gets to see all those places and experience real adventures. I wish I could see the world like that,” Merlin hurried to explain.

Arthur raised his eyebrows.

“I mean, I like it here. I love it in here. But as a teenager I always read all those books with far-off places and imagined visiting them all! It’s just... I haven’t done any of that. I’ve barely been out of the country. You’re having all those business conferences abroad and Lance has seen everything there is to see and I’m just... here.”

“But you’re happy here, right?” Arthur asked, suddenly worried that there was something Merlin felt he was missing.

He was not sure how well he would handle it if Merlin left. Gwen seemed to be handling Lance’s constant travelling quite well, but she was used to it. She knew Lance would never stay forever. Just today Lance had told them that he was planning on leaving on another trip next autumn. Maybe for a bit longer this time.

“I’m happy! Of course I’m happy! Maybe I’m happier than I’ve ever been before in my life. I just wonder if there’s something different out there. Something more. Something I haven’t seen yet.”

“We could go and see it together sometime? Travel somewhere just the two of us?” Arthur asked.

“Yeah. Yes, we could,” Merlin said and suddenly turned to look at Arthur. “I’m being stupid. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t need the big cities and foreign countries. I’m not going anywhere.”

Arthur pulled Merlin close, and the subject was dropped for the rest of the journey.

 

**June 2012**

“Congratulations on your divorce, dear brother,” Morgana said, when she called one Tuesday afternoon. “Want to see me for lunch?”

“Thank you. And yes?” Arthur answered. He was sure Morgana had not just called to congratulate him on his divorce which had finally become official earlier in the week. Arthur was no longer a married man, he was a divorced one, and as happy as he was to get out of his marriage with Gwen, it felt odd to be single again.

“The usual place? Half past one?”

“See you there,” Arthur said and ended the phone call. Morgana probably wanted to talk about something, and it was unlikely to be anything he would like.

\---

In business, Morgana used another name. Morgana LeFay was the name printed on all her business cards and the one she used to sign any work papers. Still, Morgana was a Pendragon, by blood, by the official papers, and by nature. It also meant that she liked to meddle in other people’s business.

“Arthur,” she told him as soon as he sat down at their usual table. “I’m disappointed in you.”

“What did I do now?”

“I thought you would be smarter than this. Hanging around Merlin is not a good idea.”

“Ah,” Arthur said when he caught on to what Morgana was talking about. “Are you worried?”

“Maybe. You’re falling for him again. Last time I was fine with it, because I love Merlin, but now...”

“You think he’ll break my heart again.”

Morgana didn’t have to answer. Her expression was telling Arthur everything he needed to know.

“I don’t think you need worry. Gwen and Lance are getting on pretty well again. Why would I be any different with Merlin?” he asked just because he could. He was not sure there even was anything going on between him and Merlin besides friendship but talking to Morgana was comforting. She always had an opinion on everything and sometimes those opinions were exactly what Arthur needed.

“Well, I didn’t say Gwen wasn’t stupid too, but I think if Lance decides he can’t handle just sitting at home again, I’m pretty sure she’ll go with him this time,” Morgana told him.

“Oh,” Arthur said, realising it was probably true. “But I could always go with Merlin?”

“Arthur,” Morgana sighed. “Baby, I love you, but you’re not like Lance. I’m not saying Merlin is like him either, but it’s not in your blood to just take off and leave everything behind because of someone. Gwen could do it, but you... not really.”

“Why? What do you even mean?”

“The real difference between you and Lance is,” Morgana said, and Arthur lifted his eyebrows questioningly.

“You look like a player. You look like that guy who could have anyone and has had them and leaves before he has time to learn anyone’s last names. Lance looks like that sweet and tender guy who wants marriage and babies and stays by the Right One’s side forever. And I really do think you both see yourselves that way, too.”

“And?”

“The thing is that it’s the other way around.”

Arthur almost interrupted, but Morgana lifted her hand to stop him.

“Don’t argue with me. You know, you are both stupidly brave and noble, but the truth is that _you_ would be happy just to stay home with the Right One and have your boring day job and have a kid or two. You would be one of those super-dads who take their children to footie practice and plays with them on his free time and has a successful love life with his significant other and still goes to work every day, works out to keep fit, and on the side tries to save the world with little things. You can deal with the big issues and make the right decisions if they come your way, but meanwhile you would be just as happy to have an ordinary life.”

Arthur did not know what to say to this. He had a mental image of playing footie with a small boy (or a girl) in the garden, and Merlin leaning against the wall, watching them and smiling. It really sounded rather a perfect way to live, to be honest.

“And then there’s Lance who just wants to save the world. He will never be happy with the little things, because he believes someone has to deal with the big issues, and it might as well be him. He can never just stay and be happy like that, because he has to do something about all the problems the world has to offer. The difference is that _you_ save those that are yours to be saved and do all in your power to do that, but Lance wants to save everybody, no matter how impossible the situation.”

“That makes me sound like the bad guy.”

“Not really. Not in my opinion,” Morgana shrugged. “I’m not sure I'm either of those. I just lack that kind of drive.”

Arthur was quiet for a moment.

“You said Guinevere could leave everything for Lance.”

“She could. I’m sorry, but she really doesn’t have anything she couldn’t leave behind just to be with him.”

“What about Merlin?”

The question was hard to ask, but it had to be done, because Morgana was right; Arthur was falling for Merlin again and if he couldn’t have the kind of life he wanted with Merlin, he would like to be prepared.

“I don’t know, Arthur. I really don’t know. Merlin left Ealdor and he did say he wanted to see the world, but I really am not sure what type he is. If I would have to guess, I’d say Merlin was the kind who flies from flower to flower until there is a good enough reason for him to settle down.”

It felt like something heavy had dropped in Arthur’s stomach.

“I can see what you are thinking, Arthur,” Morgana interrupted his thoughts. “You think you were not enough for him to stay the last time. But if I was you, I’d rather think of the reasons why he came back.”

“This is his home. He just came back home,” Arthur muttered.

“No, Arthur, it’s not,” Morgana said. “Ealdor was his home. He didn’t even study at Camelot uni. He could’ve gone anywhere, but he decided to come back here. It could be because he already knew people here, but...”

“But it could’ve been for me,” Arthur finished.

Morgana shrugged.

“It could. But I’m still worried. Please, don’t do anything stupid. Don’t start anything with him before you’re sure, absolutely sure, that it’s what you both want.”

Arthur didn’t have anything to say to that.

 

**April 2009**

“Time to wake up, sleepyhead,” someone said next to Arthur too early in the morning.

“Mmh, what time is it?”

“Half past six.”

“Too early. Am going to sleep some more,” Arthur mumbled into his pillow and kept his eyes closed.

“No, you won’t. You’ve got to be at work in two hours.”

“Loads of time then.”

“Oh, come on, Arthur. I could make waking up worth your while, you know,” the voice whispered in his ear, and then there were hands on his face, turning it upwards, and lips gently touching his upper lip. Arthur tried to kiss back, but the lips vanished and reappeared near the corner of his mouth.

“Merlin...”

“Mmm? Yes, love?”

Merlin’s hands were resting on Arthur’s chest and side. He kept on kissing Arthur’s lips and jaw but never deepened the kiss like Arthur wanted.

“You’re a horrible tease,” Arthur said, when he was finally awake enough to form words.

“Maybe I am. Are you complaining?”

Arthur rolled them around so that he was on top of Merlin.

“Maybe I don’t want to be teased so early in the morning.”

“You had something else in mind, did you?” Merlin said and grinned up at him.

Arthur caught Merlin’s lips in a deep kiss and got a hum of approval as his reward.

“We were supposed to get up, you know,” Merlin pointed out when Arthur began to kiss his jaw and brought his hands under them onto Merlin’s backside. It was rather clear what Arthur was trying to suggest. Their morning erections were evidence that neither of them was unaffected by this, despite the early hour.

“And I seem to remember you promising to make waking up worth my while.”

“Isn’t kissing your gorgeous boyfriend enough?” Merlin asked and groaned when Arthur bit his neck.

“I find myself getting greedy. I want more than kisses from my gorgeous boyfriend who so rudely dragged me from my dreams,” Arthur said and touched Merlin’s bum gently through the pyjama trousers. The way he was grinding against Merlin, however, was far from gentle, and Arthur heard a slight hitch of Merlin’s breath.

Morning sex had always been Arthur’s favourite. He never liked mornings particularly, but this had always been his favourite reason to wake up.

Before they could go any further, though, Merlin pushed Arthur away and stood up.

“I think I’m going to have a shower.”

“But Merlin...!” Arthur said and tried not to notice the whiny note in his voice.

“We both should be getting ready for work. I don’t think your father would like the explanations you would have to give him if we were late for work because we stayed in bed having lazy sex.”

Arthur’s father didn’t know about Merlin yet, so the explanation would probably not go down that well. For a moment Arthur imagined telling his father anyway and got lost thinking about his expression and the talk his father would probably give him after he got over the initial shock.

“Well? Are you joining me or what?” Merlin said. Arthur shook the thoughts off to look around and saw Merlin with only a towel wrapped around his hips.

“Joining? What?” Arthur answered, still not sure what was going on. He was too focused on his hard cock which suddenly demanded his attention after being teased with promises of morning sex and now with an almost naked Merlin.

“In the shower, idiot. I think having you there would make it oh so much more pleasurable. You wouldn’t want me to have to take care of this myself, would you, hmmh?” Merlin asked and pointed at his crotch.

“Oh!” Arthur said when he realised what Merlin meant. “Oh! I’ll be there in a minute.”

“I thought you would be.”

It was maybe not quite as enjoyable to push Merlin against the wall in the shower as on the bed, but it was satisfying nevertheless, and Arthur found himself in a very good mood for the rest of the day.

“What’s making you so happy?” Uther asked him after the meeting during the afternoon. Arthur thought about the explanation he could have provided Uther. He should tell him about Merlin at some point anyway, because Uther always wanted to know such things, and Arthur was getting rather serious with Merlin. He could have told Uther everything then, but it didn’t seem like the right moment.

“Oh nothing. Just a lovely day,” Arthur finally replied and was glad to be dismissed without further questions he was not quite prepared to answer yet.

 

**June 2012**

“Oh for the love of...” Arthur muttered when he saw the “not in use” sign on the self-service check-out. He moved into the queue behind a middle-aged woman and waited for his turn, just a little annoyed. He was looking around the store and trying to get the time to pass more quickly when he heard the discussion going on between the woman and the cashier.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, but do you have any cash? The card doesn’t seem to work.”

“No, I... Could you try it once again?”

The cashier did but with a spectacularly unbelieving expression on her face. In Arthur’s opinion it looked like very bad customer service. Yes, there was a queue, but did she really have to be rude towards the woman?

“I’m very sorry,” the cashier said and didn’t look sorry at all.

“Oh, God. What am I going to do? You see, I’ve been home taking care of the kids since they were born, and my husband was recently fired from his job at Pendragon Incorporated. He’s been such a loyal worker for years, and now they are firing people just because they want to make some savings. It came out of nowhere, next to no warning...”  
The woman didn’t seem to be far from tears, but the cashier looked uninterested and ready to call someone if the woman didn’t leave soon. Arthur‘s interest quickened when he heard Pen Inc. mentioned, and he frowned. He had had no idea that people had been made redundant. And long-term employees on top of that? Arthur was sure it could mean nothing good. Not least because his father had not even once mentioned trying to make any savings by downsizing.

“I’m very sorry...”the cashier started.

“Excuse me,” Arthur cut in and stepped forward. “If I may? I’d like to pay for her groceries.”

The woman gasped and looked at Arthur, surprised.

“You don’t need to do that, young man. I’m sure that...”

“No, please. I insist,” Arthur said, took some cash from his pocket and offered them to the cashier. She seemed relieved to get a reason to get rid of the woman. She was concentrating on her machine as Arthur turned towards the woman again. “It’s the least I can do,” Arthur said and smiled at her.

“Well, thank you. Thank you very much.”

“I hope your husband will find a new job soon,” Arthur added and picked up the shopping bags to hand them to her. She took the bags and didn’t seem to know what to say for some moments.

“God bless you, truly. If only more people were like you,” the woman said and now she really did have tears in her eyes.

Arthur shifted uncomfortably. He had not done this for thanks, but because it was the right thing to do. If something his father had done was the reason for the poverty of this family, then he wanted to help. He had enough money to give a few pounds away without noticing the difference, and he would’ve felt guilty if he had just stayed there and done nothing. The cashier tried to give the change to Arthur, but Arthur pointed at the woman and she took the coins, even more astounded.

“I wish there was more I could do,” Arthur said when the cashier began to ring up Arthur’s shopping. Inside his head he thought that there actually was something he could do. He would call his father and demand to know what the hell was going on at Pen Inc. and he would not give up until he got a satisfying answer. The woman thanked him again and again, before finally leaving the shop. When she left Arthur was deep in thoughts on how best to bring the subject up with his father.

\---

“Father, I’ve heard rumours that you have let some of our employees go almost without warning. I’ve been under the impression we have laws against that kind of activity in this country and that Pen Inc. is bound by the employment legislation. Have I been misinformed?” Arthur said when his father picked up the phone. It was best to treat them as rumours for now, until Uther confirmed them, but Arthur didn’t want to avoid the subject for any longer than necessary either.

“Who told you such rumours?” Uther asked and didn’t sound at all concerned by Arthur’s accusations.

“I’d like to keep my source anonymous if you don’t mind. Has this happened?”

“You shouldn’t listen to everything people say, Arthur.”

“That wasn’t a proper answer, father.”

There was a moment of silence before Uther spoke again.

“Yes, we have cut our expenditure,” Uther said. Arthur waited for further explanation on the nature of the savings which Uther probably knew but still refused to answer. “It naturally meant that we’ve had to get rid of a few people. I can assure you it was all done legally, in case you were worried.”

“And you haven’t told me about this?” Arthur asked. He was not happy with his father’s answer.

“I didn’t know you were the one running this company,” Uther answered, and Arthur could hear the disapproval in his voice.

“I’m not but I think I’ve earned the right to know about such things. They do affect the company you’ve always said will be mine to run one day,” Arthur said, refusing to play any of his father’s games. He wanted to be straightforward, because most people were afraid to try and push conversations with Uther in the direction they wanted. Luckily, Arthur knew his father well enough to not be cowed by his bullying and also knew that a direct approach might just throw Uther out of his comfort zone. “Why did we have to cut down our expenditure? I thought we were doing well despite the economy?”

“Arthur, in the business world there is no such thing as well enough.”

What Uther said didn’t actually answer Arthur’s question at all.

“What do you mean by that? Is there something else you’re not telling me?” Arthur asked, and this time he truly was suspicious. If his father refused to tell him what was going on even when Arthur was directly asking, it was probably something big.

“Of course not. We have just... erm, been making some changes in the company. Let’s say that this is best for everyone concerned,” Uther said. “No need for you to worry yourself about it for now.”

“Best for everyone, except the workers.”

“We all have to sacrifice something for the greater good every once in a while.”

Arthur wondered what that was supposed to mean. He didn’t know that his father had ever sacrificed anything except his time and the time of his children for Pen Inc. Certainly he had not sacrificed his own comforts to make anything more bearable for his workers.

“We have a very important contract coming up, Arthur. It is still under negotiation, but if it goes through, it will be very good for the whole company and hopefully give us many new customers. You know how important it is to keep ahead of our competitors in this economic climate even when the company is doing well.”

This really sounded like Uther was doing his best to avoid telling Arthur what was happening at the higher levels of Pen Inc. Usually Arthur was told anything big before it happened.

Being kept in the dark didn’t calm Arthur at all.

“And what contract is this?” he asked.

“You just have to wait until you are told about it, Arthur. Have patience. I expect we will be discussing it with the board of Directors in a few weeks time,” Uther said. “Now, if you have quite finished wasting my time, I’d like to return to work. I still have to take a look at some statistics before I can finish for the evening.”

His father ended the phone call and left Arthur worried and confused. It really did not sound good. Arthur was not as worried for the company as he was for the workers. He had not always held them in highest respect, but after meeting Merlin, he had learned to see them as individuals, not just a group of people who worked for him. Nowadays he understood how much the overall success of the company was dependant on loyal employees. 

He seriously doubted Uther saw it the same way.

Arthur really did want the workers to have the best possible working conditions and stability in their lives, and he felt very uncomfortable if he knew that somewhere an employee of Pen Inc. was distressed because of their work or fear of termination. Catrina was probably behind all this. If her influence over Uther and Pen Inc. was growing the changes would probably not end here. Arthur would have to investigate this further before his father decided to do more stupid things because of that woman.

 _Though to be realistic, he probably already has_ , Arthur thought and felt another pang of nervousness. What the hell could Uther be planning?

 

**July 2009**

_**THE HEIR OF THE PENDRAGON FORTUNE AND HIS GAY LOVER!** _

“What the _hell_ is this?” Arthur opened the morning paper and saw the headline.

“What is what?” Merlin said as he came out of the kitchen with a bowl of cereal and licking the spoon. He was wearing boxers and a too big t-shirt, borrowed from Arthur. It should have looked ridiculous, but somehow it didn’t, and Merlin ended up looking horribly adorable. Arthur refused to be distracted by his boyfriend and turned his attention back to the paper.

“This, look at it!”

“Wow. That pic’s from the other night? I didn’t think there were any paparazzi at the restaurant. Not any that would be bothered to take pictures of you! Who’s even interested in who you like?”

“My father might be. I expect I will get an angry, demanding phone call before the day is over.”

Merlin put his bowl on the table and sat on Arthur’s lap. Arthur didn’t object and put one arm around Merlin while still throwing glances at the paper.

“Will he mind? I thought he knew you don’t... ehm, like girls exclusively?”

“Of course he knows! I think he will mind more about the fact that I haven’t introduced you yet.”

There was a moment of silence.

“Just out of interest... if it happened to come up in discussion, would you be willing to meet my father? It would probably be some stupid formal dinner, and he would spend most of it asking you questions. You don’t have to, of course, but I thought that...”

Merlin’s face brightened.

“Of course I would like to meet your father! Do you even have to ask?”

Somehow this calmed Arthur, and when Merlin rose from his lap and sat on his own chair, Arthur could return to reading his morning paper without having the feeling that his surname would always destroy every good relationship he had in his life. Maybe the papers wanted to gossip about his love life, but the young man wrapped in his t-shirt and eating cereal on the other side of the table was worth a little extra attention. Maybe even worth answering any angry phone calls from his father.

\---

“Arthur,” Uther Pendragon said at the other end of the line.

“Father.”

“I heard rumours that you have a new partner.”

Well, Arthur’s father liked being straightforward about such topics.

“You and everyone else who reads newspapers,” Arthur sighed.

“Very well. It is true then?”

“Yes. It is,” Arthur confirmed. Now when he thought about it, it did feel a bit silly that he hadn’t told his father about Merlin before.

“How long has it been going on?” Uther asked.

“Um, a few months?”

There was a moment of silence, and then Arthur could hear his father clearing his throat.

“Months? In that case, I assume it is serious?”

“I hope it is. It feels serious enough for me,” Arthur answered. He didn’t really want to discuss _I love you’s_ and moving in together on the phone with his father. He’d rather skip that conversation completely if he was given the choice.

“Very well. I’d like to meet this...?”

There was a clear question at the end of Uther’s sentence.

“Merlin. Merlin Emrys.”

“I know that name from somewhere,” Uther said. Arthur waited for the truth to click. “This wouldn’t happen to be the same Merlin Emrys who saved you from a car accident several years ago and who I hired to work in your department as a reward?”

“The very same. It’s not very common name, is it?” Arthur commented dryly.

“Hmmh. I expect not. But I’m sure I’ve heard the name Emrys before. I’ll have to check my records.”

Arthur laughed.

“By all means. However, you were talking about meeting Merlin, weren’t you?”

“Yes. How about next Saturday? I’d like to invite you both to dine with me. If this Merlin is going to be around for a long time, as it seems, I want to know what sort of man my son is seeing.”

“Saturday should work fine. Eight o’clock?”

“Yes. Please, be on time, Arthur.”

“We will be there. Until Saturday then, father.”

The call ended abruptly. Neither of them was very good at ending things so most of their phone calls finished in a similar way. Now all Arthur had to do was to make sure his father would approve of Merlin, despite his background or social status. The evening might be either a disaster or a success, but before that Arthur should try and warn Merlin further about the things Uther was likely to do and say during the dinner.

\---

The first meeting with Uther went surprisingly well. Merlin was intelligent and well-educated and surprised Uther with his good manners and knowledge of current topics. He was still rather clumsy, but Arthur made a point of following him around in non-suspicious manner and they managed to avoid any disasters.

The other dinner with Uther three weeks later went well too.

That, however, was the last one.

 

**June 2012**

“Merlin, I need your help,” Arthur said when he finally heard Merlin pick up his phone.

“Arthur? What is it? Has something happened?” Merlin said sounding startled. Arthur cursed himself for making Merlin worry because that was the last thing he had wanted.

“Oh, no! Not as such. I’m just worried about Pen Inc. I think there’s something going on and I don’t think it’s anything good. My father refuses to tell me anything and...”

“What is this really about, Arthur?” Merlin said, and Arthur sighed when he heard Merlin’s tone of voice.

“It’s about my father. He seems to be smitten with this female CEO of another company, and I don’t trust her. And there’s something weird happening at Pen Inc. I want to know what is going on, and I really need your help.”

“Alright. I’ll take my laptop and be there in... half an hour? Is that soon enough?”

“It’s perfect,” Arthur said. “Thank you.”

“See you soon.”

Arthur tidied up a bit before Merlin came and wondered if Merlin really could help him. He’d sent a message to Morgana telling her about the situation and about his worries, but didn’t really expect her to answer at once, because she wasn’t even working for Pen Inc. and wouldn’t have any vested interest in the subject. It was just that while Arthur knew how to use all the basic programs on his computer and didn’t usually have any problem with IT on a general basis, Merlin was an expert. Arthur had no chance of getting any information that wasn’t readily available on Wikipedia on Catrina’s company or his own, but Merlin had the talent and the resources. Arthur was hopeful that Merlin could help him more than any other person he knew.

It also meant he could spend a little extra time with Merlin while researching the company, but that was not Arthur’s motive.

At least that was what he told himself.

When Merlin finally appeared at his door, Arthur was relieved, because it meant he actually had someone to discuss this with instead of just sitting on the sofa alone questioning everything. While Merlin was turning his laptop on, Arthur told him about the woman he had met at the supermarket and Merlin got a worried look in his eyes.

“Her husband had been fired without any warning?”

Arthur shrugged.

“I don’t know for sure but that’s what she said. She didn’t really have any reason to lie, though. She didn’t even know who I was, so...”

“Still seems strange. And you asked your father about this?”

“Yeah. Called him that afternoon. He probably knew full well what was going on but refused to tell me anything.”

“I thought your father valued your opinion,” Merlin said, his brows furrowing.

Arthur let out a bitter laugh.

“He values my opinions in matters where he doesn’t have an opinion. If he’s set on thinking a certain way about a certain issue... Well, let’s say that there’s not much I can do at that point to change the way he thinks. In his opinion, it’s my point of view that needs to be changed.”

Merlin looked at Arthur and he had a funny little smile playing on his lips.

“What?” Arthur finally snapped.

“Oh, sorry. I just remembered how you used to be. Why I liked you so much,” Merlin said and then suddenly changed the subject. “Now, what do you want me to find? I expect you want me to find out something about this Catrina and her company? What was the name?”

Arthur answered and watched how Merlin’s fingers seemed to fly on the keyboard as he typed.

“I think it’s good to start with the basics,” Merlin said. “Google is surprisingly useful when you know how to use it properly. I found their website.”

Arthur just looked at Merlin and waited for further explanation.

“Actually that they have a website doesn’t prove anything yet. If they didn’t, it would be proof that they probably aren’t a legit company. Everyone has a website nowadays. At least if they want to make money.”

Merlin prattled about everything he did even though it still wasn’t much more than clever Googling. Quickly he had found out personal information on Catrina; her birthday and birth place, the schools she had attended, and a few other details. It was not anything very useful, but it was interesting to Arthur in a way. It was good to know at least something about this woman who had been attending all their board meetings for over two months now without ever telling them about her background.

“Okay then. You have the information on her, but I think you wanted some on her company? This is not useful if you want to know what she’s trying to do or if she is even trying to do anything. You know she could be just a harmless CEO, don’t you?” Merlin said and stretched his fingers.

“She could,“ Arthur agreed. “But I have a bad feeling about her. I don’t trust her at all and the way my father acts around her is... disturbing.”

“You haven’t considered that he could just be in love? Your father I mean. He’s an attractive man, and people do fall in love, you know,” Merlin said and looked at Arthur with amusement.

“Please, _please_ , never describe my father as attractive ever again, because that is more than a bit creepy,” Arthur huffed and made Merlin stifle a giggle. “And yes, people fall in love, but I don’t believe for a second it’s about that.”

Arthur actually did believe that Uther might be more than a bit infatuated with Catrina, but that was not the reason he mistrusted her.

“Arthur,” Merlin said. “I trust you, and I trust that you know what you’re doing.”

Arthur nodded in thanks.

“I also trust you to bail me out of jail if I have to do anything illegal to get you the information you need and I’m caught,” Merlin added, winking, and Arthur laughed. “I might have to. It may be classified information you’re asking for.”

“Just get to it, Merlin. I can handle the consequences if there are any.”

Merlin got to work. At first he searched for any information he could find without illegal methods; websites, discussion forums, and social media. It was still mostly stuff that could be found freely on the internet but they were sites Arthur would never have found on his own and the way Merlin was going through the information was something Arthur couldn’t have done.

He watched in fascination how Merlin’s fingers typed word after word and skimmed the results at a rapid pace. Actually he paid less attention to the screen than Merlin and thought, not for the first time, how it may have not been a wise idea to ask Merlin for help. It was quite distracting to see his fingers dancing on the keyboard and his eyes fixed on whatever he was reading.

“Arthur?” Merlin asked after a while, in a tone of voice which meant he had probably said Arthur’s name several times already. Arthur focused on whatever he was pointing at and Merlin, bless him, ignored the fact that Arthur had been staring at him. “Look at this. I think it might be something you’re looking for.”

There was a discussion on some site that seemed to be focused mostly on technology and business. The topic was Catrina’s company and there was some debate of the methods the company had been using in the past.

“I don’t think the company is that good an ally, to be honest,” Merlin pointed out, biting his lip. “These people seem to think that it’s almost criminal what they have done in the past to gain more money.”

Arthur nodded. He was not used to reading discussions on the internet. They always seemed like gossip and unimportant remarks that were meant to be hurtful, and Arthur did not want to spend much time reading those things. This, however, seemed to be interesting. He skipped some messages that were talking about unrelated topics, but generally the messages were full of stories of how Catrina’s company had done a deal with their employer and it had almost always resulted in bad publicity, dismissal of workers, and in the end Pahared Corp. ending the shared projects and leaving the other company to deal with the mess it had caused. It was not in the daily news, but these people seemed to think that Catrina was bad news for any company she set her eyes on. Meanwhile, Pahared Corp. had made quite a lot of money for its owners.

“Doesn’t look too good, does it? Maybe you should warn your father?” Merlin said.

“I should, but he has refused to listen to every objection so far,” Arthur said and shrugged. He was worried, but he couldn’t figure out a way to tell his father that the woman Uther was falling for was probably trying to destroy his company and take his money in the process.

“You could show him these? You could tell that you don’t trust...”

“I’ve told him, Merlin! Do you think I haven’t? I’ve told him how I feel about cooperation with those people and the rumours I’ve heard before, but he doesn’t listen to me! Do you honestly think that some people on the internet would change his point of view when his workers or his own son can’t? He’s not going to believe this if I can’t absolutely prove that Catrina has done something before and that she will do it again given the chance.”

Merlin looked at Arthur worriedly and put a comforting hand on Arthur’s knee.

“I’m sorry. I just... It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t take it out on you,” Arthur sighed and turned to glare at the laptop.

“It’s alright. I understand. You’re just a bit on the edge right now,” Merlin said and kept looking at Arthur. “I’m used to it.”

“Merlin...” Arthur said after a moment.

“Hush,” Merlin said. “You really don’t need to explain.”

Arthur turned to stare at Merlin who was still just looking at him. Merlin reached out his hand to brush a lock of hair from Arthur’s forehead and Arthur swallowed.

“I...” Arthur began but didn’t have time to say anything else, because his mobile rang right at that moment. Merlin jumped a bit at the sound and Arthur leapt up to go and answer it.

Of course it was Morgana, Arthur thought when he looked at the phone. She always picked the worst times to call.

 

**September 2009**

When Arthur came home one night he heard sobbing in the living room. It was rather late; Arthur had had a lot of work to do before he had been able to leave work that night.

“Merlin?” he called. There was a slight pause in the noises and then Arthur heard a faint voice say,

“Arthur? Is that you?”

Arthur rushed into the living room and saw Merlin sitting on the sofa trying to hide the fact that he was wiping away tears.

“What on Earth is the matter?” Arthur said and sat beside Merlin. He pulled the other man into his arms and tried to soothe him. It took a moment for Merlin to calm down but when he pulled away from Arthur, his eyes were dry again.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin said. “I just... I... Gaius called me earlier today. He had some news and it was pretty bad. I don’t even know why I was so surprised, but I also talked with my mum and I guess it was the last straw to hear her voice...”

“How about if you start from the beginning? You’re not making much sense right now,” Arthur answered kindly and got a laugh out of Merlin. Arthur considered it an achievement that he could make Merlin laugh even when he was so clearly upset.

Arthur found out that after years of searching Gaius had finally found Merlin’s father. It was unfortunate, because Merlin’s father, Balinor, had been killed in an accident two months ago, and Gaius had only just found out about it.

“I mean, I didn’t even know him! How can I miss someone I never even met?” Merlin said, but Arthur understood. He had never met his mother. If he had heard that she had been alive most of his life and died before Arthur had a chance to meet her, he would’ve felt terrible. “I just always thought that someday it would happen. That I could talk to him and find out all about him and maybe even spend some time with him if he wanted. I never expected...”

Then Merlin broke down again and Arthur pulled him against his chest mumbling soothing things into his hair. No one was worth Merlin’s tears, no one. Especially not a man who Merlin had never met and while he might have been his biological father, he had never been anything more. Finally Merlin relaxed in his arms and when Arthur led him to bed, Merlin fell asleep almost instantly.

\---

Next morning Arthur called Uther rather early in the morning.

“I’m sorry, but we need to cancel our dinner plans. Or move them to a later time. Merlin is not well enough to go anywhere and I want to stay home with him.”

“He’s not well? What is wrong with him?”

Arthur told about Merlin’s father and heard his father sigh.

“Such a terrible thing. What was his father’s name?”

“I think Merlin said it was Balinor. I don’t remember Merlin mentioning a last name. I just know it was not Emrys.”

“Balinor...” Uther said, and it sounded like he was writing it down. “That sounds oddly familiar.”

Arthur didn’t know and didn’t care why the name was familiar to his father. He had only called to cancel their plans, not to discuss anyone’s family history.

“Yes, I’m sure it does. I have to go now, though, or Merlin will get worried.”

That was a lie, because Merlin was still fast asleep, but Uther didn’t have to know about that. When the phone call ended, Arthur climbed back in the bed with Merlin and tucked him snugly against him. He could spare the time to sleep a few more hours.

When Arthur woke up, Merlin was speaking rapidly on the phone.

“Are you sure? Are you really sure? Oh Gaius, I don’t know. It’s really bad if it’s true. Uther likes me well enough now, but if he finds out about that he’s going to...”

Arthur didn’t want to listen to anyone’s personal conversations, but he heard Merlin mention his father’s name more than once before he ended the call.

“What was that about?” Arthur asked as soon as Merlin returned to the bedroom.

“Oh, you’re awake,” Merlin said and sat beside him on the bed. “Umm. I don’t know where to start. First, I think I should warn you never to mention my father’s name in the presence of your father?”

Arthur just stared at Merlin.

“Why?”

“Because apparently they have had, err, disagreements before either of us was born. My father apparently worked for an organisation which specialised in digging up dirt on commercial enterprises and... Dad wasn’t always that picky about the methods he used. He found out something about Pen Inc., and ever since Uther has been after him. Trying to get him arrested on made up accusations. What Dad was doing was perfectly legal, and the records of Pen Inc. weren’t actually clean, but apparently Uther still blamed dad about it all and never forgave him when it became public,” Merlin explained. There was a pause and then he continued. “It was apparently the reason he had to leave my mum and me. He had to leave the country to get away from Uther’s anger.”

“Oh fucking hellfire,” Arthur said and dropped his head back on the pillow.

“It’s alright if we never let Uther know about his connection to me!”

“But the thing is, Merlin, I already told him,” Arthur said and tried to suffocate himself with a pillow. “This morning when I was cancelling our dinner plans. I fucking knew waking up early would be a bad idea.”

“Oh God! You did? Fuck. You mentioned his full name?”

“Only his first name. But father will make the connection sooner or later. Fuck, Merlin, I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have said anything if I had known!”

“I know that,” Merlin said and they spent a while in silence just looking at each other and thinking about what this might mean. “There’s not a lot we can do, right? Let’s just hope he figures it out later rather than sooner. We can worry about it then, right?”

“Yeah, I guess so. It’s going to be fine, Merlin. I mean, we’re talking about things that happened more than twenty-five years ago. Closer to thirty, actually. It’s going to be fine.”

“Yeah,” Merlin said and came to lie next to Arthur on the bed.

 

**June 2012**

“So what do you need next?” Merlin asked when Arthur finished the phone call with Morgana. Arthur was not quite sure if he was still talking about the internet or if this was something else.

“I don’t know. What can you give me?” Arthur said and in a way it was an answer to all the questions Merlin may have been asking.

“Alright, let’s see,” Merlin said, smiling slightly, and turned back to his laptop. “You want your father to believe you, right? You want him to see that Catrina’s company is not good for business and being with Catrina is hardly good for pleasure either. And he won’t buy any random people on the internet saying that so you’re going to need proof.”

“Basically, yes,” Arthur agreed. “Go on?”

“I’m not sure how much proof I can give you with what I’ve got so far. I could try to guess the password to Catrina’s email, but I don’t know her, and she probably uses random letter-number combinations anyway. I need something more.”

“Like... her notes? Her computer? What exactly are you saying, Merlin?”

“I’m saying that I know pretty damn well how the computer systems at Pen Inc. work. If she has been messing with those I can find it out. What I need is to get on the computers there and that’s when it gets hard. I can’t just walk in there, because the people know me and know I’m no longer working there. And I can’t just go to some worker in there and tell them I need to borrow their computer, because that just isn’t done.”

“You could come in with me?” Arthur said. “Say you came to meet me for... a lunch date or something?”

“I’d rather no one saw me though. If your father finds out I’ve been there he’s going to get suspicious.”

Arthur wanted to say that he didn’t care what his father thought but he couldn’t really do that, because Pen Inc. was still Uther’s company not Arthur’s, no matter how much Arthur cared about it and the workers.

“How about if you come in later? When most of the people have gone home. I’ve been known to do long days before, and no one is going to suspect you if you just say you came to take me home,” Arthur said. He was fighting a blush because there was no reason to be embarrassed. It was a valid suggestion, and Merlin should damn well treat it like that! Merlin was giving him an odd look, and Arthur wasn’t sure if it was because Arthur had told him he used to do long days or because he had just been insinuating that everyone working for Pen Inc. thought that Merlin was seeing Arthur again already. It could have been either way.

“I could do that,” Merlin said and added, “I think I can leave early on Tuesday. Does that work for you?”

Arthur noted that Merlin was also answering more than one question with his words. Arthur swallowed the words he wanted to say; he wanted to address the subject and discuss it further, but instead he just nodded.

“Sure. Tuesday should be fine. Can you pick up some food before you come so we can eat at the office? I doubt you have time to eat much between work and playing a geek either.”

Merlin flashed him a smile.

“I’m not playing anything, Arthur. I am a geek and proud of it.”

“Okay then. That’s a date,” Arthur said and rose up quickly. “So do you want to stay and eat with me now? I could cook some pasta.”

“Yeah. Sounds lovely,” Merlin answered. He closed the lid of his laptop and came to help Arthur. Neither of them said it out loud, but it was rather like old times.

\---

“You do what you need to do now,” Arthur said when he took a chip out of the box he was holding and put it in his mouth.

“Patience, Arthur. I’m still not a real wizard. I actually have to do some research before I can tell what files she has possibly changed,” Merlin said and glared at Arthur.

Arthur could see that computers were something Merlin really loved to work with. It was a pleasure to see how professionally he handled them and how he typed in Arthur’s passwords and cracked codes.

“Oh, she has protected her files with a password. Want to take a guess what it might be?” Merlin asked.

“No idea,” Arthur shrugged and ate another chip. Merlin’s meal was lying on the table forgotten. He had been too anxious to get into the systems Pen Inc. used to even eat anything.

“Oh well. No matter. I’ll find a way to get around it,” Merlin said, smirking. “She really doesn’t know how to protect her files properly. Honestly! Anyone with decent IT skills could get round this thing.”

“Oi! I know how to use computers well enough!” Arthur voiced his objection.

“Of course you do, Arthur. Now shut up and let me work.”

Arthur did as he was told.

Everyone else had already gone home by the time Merlin had come to the office. Only the lone security person was here and he probably wouldn’t ask many questions about who the owner’s son decided to bring here after work hours. Maybe he imagined Merlin and him doing the dirty on Arthur’s desk.

Arthur shivered. That had clearly been the wrong line of thought.

“Tired already?” Merlin asked. His eyes were still on the screen and he was typing furiously, but he was clearly still aware of Arthur’s presence. “Or just bored?”

“Neither. I was just thinking that it’s a really good thing there are no security cameras in my office.”

Oh, there were actually, but Arthur had promised to turn them on every time he left the office, so he didn’t need to feel like he was being constantly stalked. It was not the usual protocol, but Arthur could get away with a lot by the virtue of being a Pendragon.

“Yeah, poor security guy would have to watch us eating chips and working late.”

“And hacking into top-secret files?”

“Oh, yeah, that too. But nothing more interesting than that. Sad really,” Merlin said and smirked at Arthur. “Hey, I might have found something.”

 

**October 2009**

“Arthur, I found out more about the father of your boyfriend,” Uther announced when he marched into Arthur’s office. “I think we need to have a little talk.”

It was then that Arthur knew it was going to be a crappy day.

\---

In the evening Arthur told Merlin about the discussion he had had with his father that afternoon.

“Your father hates me. He hates who I am. He’s going to try and separate us at any cost,” Merlin said, panicking. They were curled up on the sofa and Arthur was holding him tight and making soothing noises.

“For one, he doesn’t hate who you are. He doesn’t even properly know you. He just happened to dislike your father. And secondly, I don’t care what he says. I’m not letting you go as long as you want to stay,” Arthur said.

“But he’s your father! I never knew mine. I don’t want to take yours from you,” Merlin said. He had tears in his eyes.

“Merlin,” Arthur said. “It’s going to be all right. Everything is going to be okay in the end.”

Merlin nodded.

“I think you should get some sleep now,” Arthur said. “You’re tired and in the morning everything will look clearer. We can figure out together what to do about it all. Tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Let’s go to bed. But I don’t want to sleep quite yet,” Merlin said and looked at Arthur with his ocean-blue eyes. “Please, help me relax before we go to sleep? Please?”

And how could Arthur refuse an invitation like that? In a few days time he was going to leave for a business trip and wouldn’t see Merlin for three whole days. He was going to take every opportunity to be with him before that.

When they made love that night it was slow, teasing, and glorious. Merlin was reacting to every touch, every kiss, like he had never reacted before. Maybe he was on edge, much like Arthur, and needed this as much as he did. Merlin was desperate and demanding and wanted everything _right now_ , and Arthur was trying his best to give it all to him. Afterwards they lay side by side for what felt like hours just kissing and looking at each other. Merlin had such trust in his eyes that Arthur just had to believe everything was going to work out. Uther may not have liked the relatives Arthur’s lover had, but he just had to deal with that. It was not Uther’s relationship; it was not his life. It was Arthur’s, and in the end it was Arthur’s choice who he wanted to be with, or if he wanted to let anything that had happened when he had only been a child affect what he had now.

Merlin was smiling, but somehow it didn’t quite reach his eyes. It was a sad smile, and Arthur wanted to try and kiss it better even when he knew it would not help.

There were words dancing on the edge of Arthur’s consciousness. Three little words Arthur knew to be true, but he didn’t want to say aloud yet. Maybe they weren’t even enough to describe the way he felt about Merlin, but they were all he had. He hoped Merlin felt the same, but he did not dare to say them out loud. He didn’t dare to be the first to say the words, and he didn’t want to ruin the perfection of this moment with his confession.

There would be time to say them later. Next week after he had come back from his trip. Next month at Morgana’s birthday party. Maybe at Christmas or during the New Year’s celebrations. The opportunity would come, the perfect moment to tell Merlin how he felt.

Right now it was enough to lie here next to the other man, moments away from falling asleep.  


### 4\. Collapse

**October 2009**

The business trip had been successful. Three days of endless discussion, but in the end they had agreed on the main points and the deal was going to happen. Arthur had tried to call Merlin, to talk about what they were going to do, but Merlin had not answered his phone. Maybe the idiot had lost it? It would have been just like Merlin to drop his mobile in the toilet or forget to charge it. Arthur would go and visit him later.

When he put his coat in the hanger and suitcase on the floor, he felt pretty good for once. He took some juice from the fridge and drank it before noticing that there was a note taped to the fridge door. It had a key with it, but Arthur just put the key on the table and took the note from the door to read it.

Arthur Pendragon was taught from a young age that appearances were everything. To the outside world you always had to look strong and invincible. It did not matter as much what you felt, because there was no room for feelings in a fight. You always had to keep on fighting to survive.

Apparently Merlin had already made Arthur go soft around the edges, because when he read the letter the first time he had to sit down; his knees were giving out. He read it a second time, and it felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore. He put the paper down for a moment to pull himself back together.

Then he picked it up again just to make sure he had understood it correctly. Maybe it was a joke? Maybe it was a prank? Something they could laugh off later! It had to be, because the letter said Merlin was already gone. He had left while Arthur had been on the business trip. He was in Ealdor? Could Arthur go after him? But what was the purpose of that if Merlin had wanted to leave? If he wanted to leave, it meant he was not coming back for a while...

It meant he had broken up with Arthur.

Suddenly Arthur’s hands were shaking. His fingers couldn’t hold the note, and it fell to the floor. Arthur tried to calm down. It had only been a couple of days! Surely they could talk about this? Surely this wasn’t anything they couldn’t sort out?

But Merlin wasn’t answering Arthur’s calls. He hadn’t been answering Arthur’s calls for days. He had asked Arthur not to call him. Merlin didn’t want to sort it out.

That thought had Arthur shaking all over. What would he do without Merlin? He had survived for twenty-four years without the irritating man, but now...

It felt like some vital organ had been removed. It was something that had just been there, it was always there, and you didn’t really pay that much attention to it on daily basis, but when it was removed nothing worked properly anymore.

Arthur was in love with Merlin.

And Merlin had just left him.

That was the thought in his head when he stumbled into the living room looking for his phone so he could call Morgana.

“Hi Arthur, what is it? I’m a bit busy so...”

“Morgana, please. Just listen for a moment. Could you come over?”

Arthur would have been ashamed of the way his voice shook, except that shame was the last thing on his mind right then.

“What is it?” Morgana said, sounding startled.

“Just, please.”

“Are you home?” Morgana asked, and Arthur could hear her packing her things. He thanked the gods that his sister did not ask more on the phone.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be there in ten.”

The beep-beep-beep on the other end meant Morgana had ended the call, but it also meant that she was probably on her way to Arthur’s place.

Arthur had still not moved when he heard the sound of the door opening. He looked up, half-expecting to see Merlin, but it was Morgana who threw her coat off and strode over to sit next to Arthur.

Arthur did not try to explain. He just gave the now creased note to Morgana and let her read it.

_Dear Arthur,_

_I’m sorry that I’m doing this through a letter. I thought I was braver than this, but apparently I was wrong about myself. I should’ve talked to you before your trip, but somehow it was easier to leave the house without you in it, making it feel like a home._

_When you read this I’ll already be on my way to Ealdor. It’s better for both of us if we spend some time apart and sort out our feelings. I don’t know about you, but mine are pretty messy right now, and I need some time to think. I don’t want you to have to choose between me and your father, because I know how much he means to you. I don’t want to come between you two. I might not stay long in Ealdor. We always talked about how I want to see the world, and I think it’s time for me to do that. No time like the present, eh?_

_Please, don’t try to call. This is already difficult, and I don’t want it to be any harder. I’ve left my key to the house with this letter. I’m sure you already noticed it, but that’s me: always stating the obvious._

_I care about you more than I can say, but it’s better this way. It’s all going to be fine in the end._

_With all my love,_

_Merlin_

“Oh, Arthur,” Morgana said and put the letter down on the table. She just put her arms around him and let him finally break down.

 

**July 2012**

“Pahared Corp. has a reputation in making other companies make stupid investments and losing money,” Arthur told Uther as soon as he had stepped into his father’s office. He was tired of dancing around the subject, and he had proof for his claim.

“Arthur,” Uther said in a tired voice. “I know you do not like Catrina. I can’t even begin to imagine why, but these theories are getting out of hand.”

“But if you take a look at their accounting...”

“I will do no such thing, Arthur. We are in the middle of very important plans for the future. Sometimes in the business world you have to take some risks.”

Arthur had a vivid memory of the files he had seen, and he had a pretty good idea what his father meant by that. Pen Inc. was falling victim to the most basic hoax of Pahared Corp.

“Oh, let me take a wild guess. She has a business cooperation contract she’d like to make with Pen Inc., but she needs us to make some cuts and agree to their terms. She has some new innovation she’d like to bring on market, but she needs our help.”

“That is indeed the case.”

“Don’t you see, father? Pahared Corp. has done the same thing with several other companies and now they’re aiming even higher by cooperating with Pen Inc. You can’t be this blind!” Arthur said angrily, trying not to yell at his father who also happened to be his boss. The whole thing was messed up, and Arthur seemed to be the only sensible one about it in the whole company. All the other Directors only saw money and cuts and the business expanding on new areas, but Arthur still had a bad feeling about it all. If they were to agree to the terms of the contract, Pen Inc. would go down in the same way all the other companies Catrina had set her eyes on had.

“You don’t want to see it? Okay. Here, have this,” Arthur said and gave his father a memory stick.

“What is it?”

“It’s a flash drive with all the proof you need. Whenever you decide you want to think this over one more time, take a look at the files in there. There are all the contracts Pahared Corp. has made with other companies before, and some of their financial records. You don’t have to take my word for it.”

Uther didn’t take the memory stick from Arthur but glared at it suspiciously.

“How did you get this supposed information?”

“Nothing illegal,” Arthur said, and thought about the questionable methods Merlin had used to hack into Catrina’s files. “We came across the files with some basic search methods.”

“And your _friend_ Mr Emrys wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with it?” Uther asked.

“Well,” Arthur flushed. “Maybe he helped a bit.”

Arthur took a deep breath and prepared to leave the room.

“Look, I’ll leave it here. Just... don’t rush into anything? Give it a thought before agreeing to anything with Pahared Corp. Good day, father,” Arthur added, put the flash drive on Uther’s desk, and left. He had never been this happy that his holiday would begin soon.

 

**November 2009**

“Okay, Arthur. That’s enough. Get up!” 

Arthur peeked out from under the blanket.

“Morgana? What are you doing here? What time is it?”

“Time for you to go to work. You’ve been pining for weeks now and I get it, Merlin leaving affected everyone, but you have to get a grip.”

Arthur pulled the blanket back over his head.

“Why? Give me one good reason.”

“Firstly, your father will start to worry if you don’t appear at work soon.”

“He’s your father too,” Arthur pointed out. Morgana ignored him.

“Secondly, you haven’t seen any of your friends for weeks. You’ve stopped going out with any of them.”

“They were Merlin’s friends first and foremost, not mine. They’re not going to miss me,” Arthur said and refused to look at Morgana or lower his blanket. It hurt to say Merlin’s name, but it was the truth and surely Morgana knew it too.

“I don’t care! Thirdly, and the most important reason, is that I’ve had enough, and I’m saying you get out of this bed right now or I won’t answer for the consequences.”

And then Morgana pulled the blanket off Arthur and threw it on the other side of the room.

“Arthur, I get it. I really do. But you can’t fix a broken heart like this. You need to continue with your life and do normal things.”

Arthur didn’t say anything. He wasn’t even sure what counted as a normal life anymore. His house, his workplace, his friends, even this bed reminded him of Merlin.

“I could send Gwen to spend some time with you. She’s pretty much in the same state you are ,” Morgana said.

“Why?” Arthur asked, grateful for the change of subject. He sat up on the bed. “I thought everything was fine with her and Lance?”

“Oh Arthur, this is why you should keep more in contact with people.”

“What happened?”

“Lance left again. Around the time you and your father had the argument about Merlin. Lance had some idea of doing work in India, or somewhere. He got a job, said he and Gwen should break up because he’s not sure how long he’s going to be away and flew off a few days later. I assume that’s how Merlin got the idea of seeing more of the world.”

“Morgana, Uther is still your father too.”

Morgana just waved her hand.

“Anyway. Gwen is heartbroken and wants to talk about Lance all the time. You are heartbroken and refuse to talk about Merlin. I guess you two could have something to discuss together.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll send Guinevere a text later.”

“Good. After you’ve been to work, right?”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes. If you don’t want Uther to be the one who wakes you next, I’d recommend doing your job even in this situation. Maybe you’ll find some comfort in doing familiar things.”

\---

Morgana’s birthday came and went, and Arthur bought her a lovely present, but he wasn’t strong enough to go to her party.

 

**July 2012**

“So what are you going to do with your holiday, Arthur?” Morgana asked over the phone. Arthur was packing up his things, because he wanted to find his office tidy when he came back two weeks from now. “I don’t think you’ve had that much free time in years.”

“Well, I like my work,” Arthur defended himself. Morgana huffed. “But let me tell you that with the current atmosphere in Pen Inc. I’m really happy to get away for a while.”

“Any plans then?”

“Not really. I hope I can see more of the gang and maybe read some books. I never seem to have enough time to read actual books nowadays. Jog. Whatever people usually do when they’re not at work.”

“Do you have time to meet your dearest sister at all?” Morgana asked.

“You’re my only sister, Morgana. It also makes you my most hated sister .”

“Oh, fine. But we will still have lunches, right?”

“Of course. Heaven forbid if I ever skip our lunches,” Arthur grinned.

“How’s Uther by the way?” Morgana asked.

“Stupid and stubborn. Refuses to see sense. The usual,” Arthur said and put some papers in the drawer of his desk. “I don’t know what to tell him anymore. If this contract happens, Morgana...”

“I know,” Morgana said. “Uther needs someone to talk sense into him, though. He always did. Just stay strong, Arthur.”

“Maybe you could be the one to do that for a change?” Arthur suggested.

Morgana laughed.

“I don’t even work for Pen Inc.”

“But you could. Father would take you to work for him gladly. You could easily overrule all the likes of Catrina by simply scaring them to death,” Arthur said.

“I’ll think about it, Arthur. So, how’s your weekend? Want to come and see a play with me?”

“I like men, Morgana, but I still don’t like musicals.”

“It’s not a musical! Who do you think I am?”

They continued bickering over the phone until Arthur’s office was clean and he had closed the door behind him. He did agree to go to see the play with Morgana in the end, and it felt good to know he wouldn’t have to think about Catrina or Pen Inc. for the next two weeks.

 

**December 2009**

Arthur was used to working late, but this was probably the first time he had still been at work at 10 pm without anyone else there. There was so much more to do here than at home, where he would be forced to stare at the walls or watch TV and remember how he had watched several shows with Merlin and how they had laughed at them together. Here his only problem was those times when his computer decided not to cooperate and he was forced to think about calling Merlin to fix it for him.

Now it was all going smoothly and Arthur did a lot more than he had probably done in months. His father would be proud of the new work motivation Arthur was showing.

Morgana would not be impressed, but it couldn’t be helped. She was workaholic too, so she couldn’t blame Arthur for working late either. Pot, kettle, black. If Arthur wanted to forget everything for a while, and if he happened to like this way better than drinking his mind numb and sleeping around with every warm body he could get his hands on, well, then it was no one else’s business and Arthur could bloody well do as he pleased .

He glanced at the clock on the wall and stretched his muscles. Maybe he should also begin to work out again. He had enjoyed it in the past so there was no reason why he couldn’t take it up again now that he had time. Maybe tomorrow.

Yes. There was a lot in the world to do even though one person had left his life. Arthur would survive this.

There was no other option for him.

\---

“Hey, it’s Gwen. How are you?”

“Hi. I’m...” Arthur searched for a suitable word but couldn’t come up with one.

“Yeah. I was thinking that if you don’t have other plans, I could come over and spend some time with you? I think we both need something to do and I must admit some company would be good right now.”

“All right,” Arthur said. He was not entirely sure where this was going but Gwen was pleasant enough to be around, and if she was lonely after Lance had left... Arthur could use some company too, to be honest.

“I’ll change clothes and come over.”

The beeping sound on the other end meant that Gwen had hung up.

\---

It wasn’t completely surprising when Gwen kissed him the first time. They had been spending time together for a month now and it had been fun, it had been comfortable, and Arthur really liked her company. Gwen was a dear friend, and Arthur did have some attraction for her. She wasn’t Merlin, but she did grow on people in a similar fashion and made Arthur think for a moment that it was possible to survive the hell his life was at the moment. It was possible to start living again, and maybe even love again, and meanwhile he could enjoy the willing body that was pressed against him.

The best part was that taking Gwen to bed didn’t remind Arthur of Merlin, because where Merlin had been wiry and tall, Gwen was feminine, soft in the right places and considerably shorter than Arthur. It was as good as it would get, Arthur thought, and kissed Gwen back.

“I’m not sure I’m ready for another relationship quite yet,” Arthur confessed one night.

“It’s all right. I’m not either. But it’s good to forget for a moment, right?” Gwen answered.

“Yeah.”

And so the forgetting went on.

And went on some more.

When spring came with new leaves and flowers, Gwen officially moved in, and it looked like their substitute-relationship was going to be a permanent one.

Arthur didn’t mind so much. It was better to be in the situation with someone whom he actually did love, even when it didn’t run as deep as it could have .

 

**July 2012**

There was a park around the corner from where Merlin lived. It was close enough that Arthur could drive there and leave his car in front of the house and then walk to the park. He had agreed to be there around noon.

“Hey, you,” Merlin greeted him with a smile as soon as he had parked his car. “Fancy seeing you around here.”

“Funny thing, huh? I heard there was going to be some kind of awesome picnic thing and I decided to crash the party.”

It was strange how Arthur had slipped back into comfortable companionship with Merlin after such a long time.

“Oh, I might come and join you,” Merlin winked, and they began to walk towards the park. “So are the others coming?”

“Yeah. Morgana is a bit late. There was some work thing she needed to take care of this morning. Leon and Percy should be coming. I called Lance earlier. He and Gwen are already there. Who knows what Gwaine is up to, but I expect him to show up just so he can walk around the park shirtless and hit on innocent people.”

Merlin laughed out loud.

“He does that, all right,” he said, and then, “Isn’t it strange to see your ex-wife going back to her old boyfriend? I thought that would be awkward for both of you.”

Arthur shrugged.

“Not really. I think we always were better as friends than lovers. And it’s not like Guinevere would’ve married me if Lance had been around at the time,” he said and gave Merlin a sideways glance. “I love her, but I’ve never been jealous of her. I think that should have been one of the first signs for me. I’ve always been terribly jealous of the people I care about, but somehow never of Guinevere.”

Merlin looked at him.

“Actually, I think that she was more jealous of me, but now that’s history, too. She knows we never had the kind of chemistry she has with Lance or I have with... Um, other people .”

He had been very close to saying _you_ , but he cut it just in time. It would’ve been embarrassing, since Arthur was not really sure if Merlin still felt that way about him. He didn’t want to force his affections on a man who had already once refused them.

“Yeah. I get what you mean,” Merlin said, and they entered the park in silence. Merlin had a slight half-smile playing on his lips, and Arthur couldn’t help wondering what it meant.

“Merlin! Arthur! Over here!” Gwen shouted as soon as she spotted them. Merlin waved at her. Leon was sitting with her and Lance on the grass.

“Hey, nice to see you,” Merlin went to hug all three of them. Arthur just nodded and sat down.

“Want some wine?” Leon offered as soon as they were sitting. Arthur raised an eyebrow.

“Getting drunk? It’s barely afternoon.”

“Well, I have to, don’t I? I can’t look at these lovebirds being all kissy-huggy and stay sober, can I?” Leon explained and drank from his own glass. Lance slapped him on the arm; Gwen blushed.

“It’s not like that,” Lance said and turned to look at Arthur. “It’s not.”

“Do whatever you want, mate!” Arthur said and lifted the glass Leon had given him. “It’s not like she’s mine anymore. We got divorced, remember? There was a reason for that. Actually two very good reasons.”

His eyes met Gwen’s for a moment, and they both grinned.

“And those were?” Merlin asked.

“Not going to tell you. It’s between me and my ex-husband. Oh lord, how good it feels to call you my ex, Arthur!” Gwen giggled. “One of the best decisions ever .”

“I’ll drink to that,” Arthur agreed, and did.

“Does anyone else feel like our circle of friends is from some kind of awkward daytime drama series?” Leon asked casually.

“Nah. There aren’t enough cliffhangers,” Arthur said.

“Or dramatic background music!” Merlin added.

“Or zooms to someone’s face when something big is revealed!” Lance pointed out.

“Or kisses with violins and light shining in the background!” Gwen said. 

“And Gwen would totally be pregnant if this was a drama series,” Merlin said.

“You’re not, though? Please, say you’re not!” Arthur pleaded.

“Fuck you, Pendragon! I’m not pregnant! Do I look pregnant?”

“And if she was, you wouldn’t be the father! Sorry, mate,” Leon said and grinned at Arthur.

“It’s good that Morgana isn’t here yet. She’d get ideas from all these suggestions,” Arthur said, and there was a general murmur of agreement.

“And there should definitely be more shirtless men walking around!” Merlin shouted. Gwen raised her glass in approval.

“Well, it could be Morgana who is pregnant,” Lance pondered. That led to a long and heated discussion about who should be pregnant, who should be whose long lost twin brother, and who should get their wedding cancelled, because the groom eloped with his cousin .

“Okay, this makes me feel a bit better. The relationships in our lives could be more confusing,” Merlin sighed. “But I still think we need more half-naked men around.”

At that moment Gwaine appeared.

“Oh fuck, it’s hot today. This shirt has to go.”

He appeared utterly confused when everyone began to giggle hysterically.

\---

“Mmm, I could fall asleep here,” Merlin said. They were sitting under a tree; he was leaning backwards on his hands, and Arthur was leaning against the tree.

“Don’t burn. You’re so pale that you probably catch fire if you’re in direct sunlight for too long,” Arthur grinned.

“Oi! I won’t, you prat!”

It was really rather wonderful to sit there and enjoy the sunlight. Arthur couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a proper holiday without anything else to think about, but it was nice. Merlin was dozing off and looked like his arms would give up if he actually fell asleep.

“Hey, idiot. You’d better lean on me if you want to have a nap.”

Merlin opened his eyes and glanced at him.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, there’s no way I’m going to move to give you room, but I think you’d be more comfortable if you didn’t have to hold yourself up,” Arthur said. He must have been half-asleep as well, because otherwise he would never have suggested anything like this.

“Okay then.”

Arthur expected Merlin to lean on his shoulder or to put his head on Arthur’s knees, but Merlin surprised him.

“Open your legs a bit more,” he said and sat between them so that his head was resting on Arthur’s shoulder. Automatically Arthur put his hands on Merlin’s stomach and then wondered if that had been a bad move. Maybe Merlin would not want that much touching?

But Merlin placed his own hands on top of Arthur’s and seemed to relax in his arms.

“I want to stay here forever,” Merlin mumbled, and Arthur had to agree with him .

\---

They must have dozed off for a minute, because when Arthur woke up Merlin was still resting in his arms, but Morgana had arrived.

“What the hell are they doing? Arthur should know that’s not a good idea!” Morgana was hissing to Gwen. They apparently thought Arthur and Merlin were still fast asleep.

“Just let it go, Morgana! He’s a big boy. He can make his own decisions!” Gwen said back. “Besides I don’t see the harm.”

“The harm, Gwen, happens if Arthur fucking falls for him and he breaks his heart again. I should’ve fucking known that this would happen. I _told_ Merlin that...”

“Merlin isn’t trying to hurt Arthur, Morgana. You know he isn’t. It’s going to be just fine in the end,” Lance said. Arthur kept his eyes closed and listened .

“You can’t know that! Fucking hell, the last time...”

“The last time was different. They both know that! Last time it was all about Uther, remember?” Gwen said.

“But...”

“No buts. They were happy together before that. They both deserve happiness now. Just let them have it, Morgana. Please?” Gwen begged. “I still care about Arthur, you know, but I care about Merlin too, and they’re good for each other. You know that!”

“I just don’t want anyone to get hurt,” Morgana said, and Arthur felt affection for his sister. She was wrong in this, but she had good intentions and he knew she had a point. This didn’t make any sense to Arthur either, and he knew it was a bad idea. Gwen was in a similar situation, but she hadn’t been in nearly as bad a state when Lance had left. But it was really not comparable; Arthur had had a lifetime full of problems and Merlin leaving had only been the last straw.

Merlin shifted slightly in his arms, and Arthur tightened his grip. He would not let Merlin leave even if he had overheard the argument. Merlin grasped Arthur’s hand tighter in his and didn’t try to move. Arthur was glad .

“So how was your day then, Morgana? Not good, I expect?” Lance asked.

“Yeah, not really. The office was a complete mess, but we had everything done on time, thank the gods!”

“Then you definitely deserve this,” Leon said, and apparently offered Morgana a glass of wine.

“Thanks. I think I do.”

\---

“Hi, Morgana. When did you appear?” Merlin asked some time later, though Arthur was sure he knew exactly when Morgana had joined their company.

“Hi. Not long ago. Aren’t you getting comfortable?” Morgana said and couldn’t quite keep the disapproval from her voice, though she didn’t sound as angry to see them as she had when she arrived.

“I am actually. Arthur makes an excellent pillow,” Merlin said sleepily. “Hey, sleepyhead! Your sister is here!”

Merlin elbowed Arthur in the ribs, and Arthur had to hide his smile in Merlin’s hair.

“Pillow, Merlin? Are you saying I’m getting fat?”

“I don’t know about that, but you must admit it’s comfy lying here.”

Arthur attacked Merlin’s sides with his fingers.

“No tickling! No!” Merlin half-shouted, half-laughed and tried to get away from Arthur.

“Is it comfy now? Is it?” Arthur said and stopped only when they were both breathless from laughing. Only then did Arthur acknowledge his sister, who was looking at them thoughtfully.

“Hi, witch.”

“Hello, brother dearest. You got yourself a new teddy bear, I see. Aren’t you getting too old for those?”

“Oh well. It’s nice to have a teddy bear, even if it is a clumsy and bony one.”

“Hey!”

“Complaints, _Merlin_?”

And then the tickling match started all over again.

\---

All in all it was a rather perfect afternoon. They had more wine and food, and they only got ready to leave when the sun went behind the trees and air was beginning to turn cold. Gwen and Lance had left a bit earlier and Leon was collecting the empty wine bottles from the ground.

“You know, Merlin, I can’t get up while you’re sitting here,” Arthur said into his ear.

“I know. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to move yet.”

“I clearly need to buy you a new pillow!”

“No need. I prefer you any day .”

“Get up, lazy arses!” Morgana called. “Time to leave if you don’t want to spend the night here!”

“Okay mum,” Merlin grumbled and got up. Arthur helped him by pushing at his back. Arthur had to stretch his muscles when he was finally standing. It had been extremely comfortable, but sitting in almost the same position for hours did make a person a bit stiff.

“I’m going to head home now, will you be all right?” Morgana asked and clearly aimed the second part of the sentence to Arthur.

“Sure. I’ll see Merlin home. My car is parked outside his flat.”

“Be careful, boys. Anything can happen,” Morgana said and made her implication clear to both of them.

“You don’t have to worry, Morgana. We’ll be fine,” Merlin said quietly, and his tone made Arthur’s heart jump .

Morgana nodded, waved her hand and began to walk towards the other exit of the park.

“Shall we then?” Arthur asked. “Figures that we’re the last ones left.”

“Yeah. Just you and me. Like old times,” Merlin said and didn’t quite meet Arthur’s eyes. The walk back to Merlin’s flat was quiet but comfortable. Merlin seemed to be deep in thought and Arthur didn’t wonder why. If he’d had had any doubts of whether Merlin was still attracted to him or not, they had all vanished. Now it was all about one of them making the move and them having the talk about all the important stuff they still hadn’t discussed. Arthur wasn’t looking forward to it, but when it finally happened it would probably be worth it. Hopefully .

“I had fun today. Really, a lot of fun,” Merlin said when they were standing in front of Arthur’s car.

“You slept for half the time!” Arthur laughed.

“Still. Thank you, Arthur. Really.”

Arthur nodded and unlocked his car.

“And I meant what I said to Morgana, just so you know. We’ll be fine, and she doesn’t need to worry.”

“Merlin...”

“Hush! I guess you don’t want to come upstairs?” Merlin asked, but Arthur shook his head.

“No, I’d better not. The day was perfect as it was, and I don’t want to ruin it with... anything.”

“Yeah.”

Merlin leaned closer and kissed Arthur’s cheek.

“Night, Arthur.”

Then he was walking towards the building.

“Night,” Arthur said and got into his car.

 

**December 2009 – January 2011**

Too many times Arthur sat holding his phone and thought about calling Merlin just to hear his voice. Maybe it would be full of enthusiasm about some wonderful thing he had seen, maybe rambling at length about how his flight had been cancelled and he had sat in an airport in the middle of nowhere and talked with a bunch of backpackers who were supposed to be on the same flight, how Merlin had made friends with an Indonesian farmer, how he had been in a town where _no one_ spoke English and Merlin had been forced to communicate only with hand gestures and how he had accidentally offended someone by doing something rude with his hands. Those were probably the kind of stories Merlin was full of by now.

Sometimes Gwen left the room after answering the phone, and Arthur could hear her laughing with the caller and explaining everything that had been going on in her life. The only time Arthur heard Gwen mention his name was when she told that someone on the other end of the line that they were getting married. Her voice had been hushed, and Arthur had not meant to eavesdrop, but he had wanted, _needed_ , any hints about Merlin’s whereabouts. Anything at all would have been enough, but Gwen always was careful with her words when Arthur was in the house. Maybe she was more carefree when Arthur wasn’t within earshot; Arthur had no way of knowing.

Every time Gwen finished the call, Arthur would ask who it had been; every time Gwen answered _oh, no one_ and quickly changed the subject. But Arthur knew it had been Merlin, and Gwen knew he knew.

After every single phone call Arthur had tried writing a text to Merlin, and often he had done it despite there not being a call.

At first they were simple questions:

_Where are you?_

_How have you been? Are you having fun, wherever you are?_

_Have you been thinking about me at all?_

_When are you coming back home?_

In time they altered slightly:

_I thought about you today. The Reason was on the radio and it reminded me of you._

_There’s a new Italian restaurant in the High Street. I wish I could take you there._

_It snowed today. I wonder if there’s snow where you are right now._

_I heard you on the phone with Gwen tonight. I just wish I had been able to hear your laughter instead of hers._

Lately the texts had been shorter, and Arthur had been writing them only because he wanted to see the letters forming on screen:

_I miss you._

_You know how they say that the pain becomes easier to bear when time passes? Well, it doesn’t._

_I still love you._

_Please, please, come back home?_

Arthur never sent any of those, and in time, he found himself typing words on his phone even when he knew no one else would ever get to read them. It became a habit, and for a moment there, he always felt like maybe there was someone in the world he could share the aching with.

But there wasn’t. One time Morgana called him just when he had typed a long text, and it had startled Arthur so badly he had dropped his phone, and for a moment was sure he had accidentally sent the message. He hadn’t, but after that Arthur had not written any more.

It became enough to know through other people that Merlin was still alive.

 

**July 2012**

Arthur had a feeling he should take time off from work more often, because he had something to do for every day and every evening. In addition to his usual appointment with Elena and lunch dates with Morgana, he spent days playing footie in the park, watching movies, buying things to replace the ones Gwen had taken with her when she had moved out, and visiting museums. Every person he had ever known seemed to know he was on holiday and requested a meeting over a cup of coffee or lunch. His favourite way of spending time, however, was walking aimlessly around a bookshop or a library and finding new novels or old classics. Arthur loved reading; he just never seemed to have enough time to do it as much as he would have liked. Merlin was at work during most days, so Arthur also spent a lot time in the backroom of Merlin’s uncle Gaius’s shop. Mostly he read, but sometimes he helped them out with things. What Arthur noticed was that it was all work someone with fewer qualifications than Merlin could handle quite easily. Merlin seemed happy with his work in general, but it didn’t challenge him in any way, and Arthur wondered if he was working there just because he didn’t want to let down Gaius.

The evenings Arthur usually spent at pub or at one of Morgana’s events. She had plays and concerts and opera and liked to drag Arthur along to all of them. Arthur could’ve survived without that many evenings with dress-code and too expensive champagne, but in the end it was just easier to say yes to whatever Morgana suggested.

Morgana’s enthusiasm had several downsides; one of them being that Arthur couldn’t just spend a quiet night at home eating something unhealthy and reading, another that he didn’t have much time to be alone with Merlin. They saw each other in the pub and when Arthur came to see him at work, but it was not alone time, and it was more slow torture than anything else. Merlin kept giving him long looks and grinning in his direction, but never did anything more than that. Arthur missed the moments they had and was worried that if he didn’t make a move soon, someone else would come and take Merlin from him.

He couldn’t really talk about it with Morgana, because she just looked at him pityingly every time he even mentioned Merlin’s name. He did however have one chance to talk with Lance during one of their pub nights. Lance seemed honestly surprised that he and Merlin were still nothing more than friends.

“Merlin is driving Gwen mad. She thinks she has to go and lock you two alone in _a room full of condoms and lube_ , her words, not mine, until you sort it all out,” Lance said and smiled when Arthur blushed. “I think she’ll do something dramatic if you two don’t pull your acts together soon.”

“I don’t even know if he wants that,” Arthur said. It was of course a filthy lie, because he knew full well that given the chance, which might or might not involve a locked door and a good amount of condoms and lube, they would be just like old times and it was just a question of courage now.

Lance just raised an eyebrow and took a sip from his pint.

 

**March 2010**

The first session with the therapist was a disaster.

Arthur didn’t feel like sharing his entire life story with a complete stranger even though that was the whole point of talking to her. He ended up talking about everyday things and Elena listened and made notes. Arthur wasn’t sure if that was all right with him either, so he asked a thousand times what she was writing. Arthur was sure he would be labelled crazy or, even worse, weak for talking to a therapist! He didn’t really want one in the first place, because he was not crazy and he could cope just fine by himself ! He left the first session feeling angry and sure that she had not gotten anything of any importance out of him. Nothing that would have shown any sign of weakness and nothing that could be used against him later.

The second time didn’t start any better, but during that session, the therapist started asking questions.

Those questions hit right on target. Elena seemed to really know what she was doing after all. With the price Arthur was paying her per hour, it had been expected, but still it threw him off balance a bit.

Arthur didn’t break down, he didn’t cry, but he lost his composure a little and bit by bit he started to answer and confide in her in things he had never said aloud before. Things he didn’t even know he was thinking before she asked the right questions and triggered the thought process.

When weeks of sessions had passed, Arthur found himself talking about Merlin, about his father, about growing up without a mother, about Morgana and their childhood; he talked about the expectations everyone was putting on him, about the expectations he was putting on himself, responsibility and duty, education and work and relationships and family.

Somehow it felt like a poison was slowly being sucked out of his veins. It required a little bleeding, but in the end his insides didn’t feel as polluted, as damaged, as they had before.

It was soothing. It felt good. It made him feel like his old self, from the time before Merlin, but improved, because all the good changes were still there. And somehow he started to anticipate the meetings with Elena, because he wanted to analyse things further with her. He wanted to tell someone about his day and know he was not being judged and that there was someone who didn’t expect him to be brave or straightforward in all things.

She didn’t expect him to have already moved on from all the hurt he had experienced in the past.

 

**July 2012**

When he was working his normal hours Arthur usually didn’t even think about his sexual needs, but now that he was on holiday they were harder to ignore. At first he had tried to expend it on jogging or football, but after awhile he realised that hanging around his love interest and bottling up all that extra energy was not a wise thing to do. Arthur got aroused ridiculously easily these days, and he didn’t even want to make any calculations on how long it had been since he had last gotten laid.

After Merlin had left, Arthur had protected himself by only masturbating to images of faceless people or celebrities. When he had been seeing Gwen and during their marriage, he had had hardly any solo sex. Nowadays just ignoring the arousal and waiting for it to go away was his standard solution, but it wasn’t working that well. One night Arthur had a very vivid dream of Merlin sleeping with him in his bed and waking him up by wrapping lips around his cock. The dream was full of small details Arthur had almost forgotten; the way Merlin teased him, the surprising softness of slightly chapped lips, his tight grip, and the mischievous spark in his eyes when he took Arthur in his mouth.

When Arthur woke up, he was so hard he couldn’t just ignore it, and in the shower his head was full of images of Merlin when he pulled himself into orgasm. He came so hard that he had to support himself against the shower wall so as to not fall and hit his head. After that Arthur didn’t even try to fight the images or dreams, because it was a fight he would always lose as soon as he saw Merlin grinning at him at Gaius’s shop or cafe or pub .

 

**December 2010**

People always told Arthur how his wedding day was supposed to be the happiest day of his life; at least until his first child was born. When Arthur was getting dressed the morning of his wedding, he didn’t feel any particular happiness. He felt determination; he had decided that this was going to work. This was going to be the thing that kept him happy for the rest of his life. Gwen was a beautiful woman, they were great friends and it had been easy and comfortable for both of them right from the start. They didn’t have to say much to communicate; Arthur didn’t have to explain anything to Gwen, because Gwen didn’t ask many questions. It was nice and living with Gwen had been uncomplicated for months now. There was no doubt in Arthur’s mind that he was doing the right thing, the honourable thing. That was how people lived.

It was a small ceremony. Uther had wanted the wedding to be great and glorious, but both Arthur and Gwen had agreed on only inviting close friends and relatives. They didn’t enjoy too much fuss.

If it had been Merlin Arthur was marrying, he was sure they would’ve eloped to Las Vegas or something similar. Merlin had liked the fuss even less than Gwen.

Arthur was also not supposed to think about Merlin, he reminded himself when he stood in front of a mirror getting ready in a small backroom. It was the morning of his wedding, for God’s sake, and one didn’t think about their ex-lover on the morning of their wedding. The tuxedo was well-fitted, and Arthur thought he looked good if he did say so himself.

There was a knock on the door and Morgana stepped in. She was already in her blue bridesmaid’s dress.

“How is it going? Feeling well?” she asked and came closer to fix Arthur’s tie. They both knew there wasn’t much more to do, but they didn’t want to talk about Merlin either. Morgana was probably the only person who actually knew, or at least suspected, how much Arthur still thought about Merlin. Gwen might have suspected too, but she was so wrapped up in her own happiness that they hadn’t even mentioned Merlin’s name when they had been planning the wedding.

Merlin should have been there, because he was a close friend of both of them.

Or at least Arthur thought he had been a close friend. Maybe he was only Gwen’s friend nowadays .

Morgana didn’t say anything. She just straightened Arthur’s suit and wiped a few hairs off his face.

“You look handsome, Arthur,” she said. It was the first compliment Arthur had heard from his sister in years, and he knew she meant it. Her eyes were saying what Arthur already knew: she didn’t approve of this wedding. She thought it was a sham and a joke, and Gwen was only a substitute for something Arthur really wanted. She couldn’t say it aloud, though, because she was one of Gwen’s best friends and had been the first one to push the couple together.

Arthur, for one, thought that this could be a good thing. It would most definitely take his thoughts off anything that might have been and make him feel more like himself. He looked at his reflection and tried to find the spark that had always been there in his eyes before, but couldn’t see it. It would come. It would come later. This was the beginning of his happily ever after; maybe it was not with the person he had thought he would spend it with, but it was his, and he was going to stick with it as long as he could.

“So. Ready?” Morgana asked and smiled. At least she was trying to be happy for them, and for that Arthur was grateful.

“Yeah. Time to face the music. Let’s go.”

### 5\. Support

**July 2012**

“So are you and Merlin an item again?” Morgana asked over lunch the next week.

“No,” Arthur said. “We haven’t really talked about it.”

“But you will be?”

“I want to be.”

Morgana sighed.

“I know. I just don’t want you to get hurt, you know? It was bad enough the last time.”

“I’ve heard the talk before, Morgana.”

“And you’re going to hear it again.”

“Have you considered talking with Merlin about this?”

“I have talked with him,” she confessed. “I called him yesterday.”

“And?”

“And I can’t really tell you what he said, because he asked me not to.”

“Tell me what you think, then.”

Morgana was silent for a while and took a bite of her sandwich.

“He seems sincere. I really do think you two are good for each other. Lance and Gwen said as much but...”

“You just worry,” Arthur finished her sentence. Morgana nodded.

“Well, don’t. We’re reasonably intelligent adults. We can handle our own mess.”

“Have you told Uther yet? He does know that Merlin is back in town but does he know you two are...?”

Arthur took a bite of food too.

“Not yet. I’ll tell him soon, though. Just to make sure that he doesn’t fuck it up this time.”

There was a heavy silence as they both ate.

“Well, I’ve always thought you don’t make decisions too quickly and you usually do the right thing. I trust in you in this,” Morgana finally said.

“Thank you. I really hope I’m doing the right thing.”

Though if Arthur was honest, he really didn’t think he had any options here. He knew there was only one way he could choose and not end up hating himself later.

 

**Summer 2011**

Somewhere during the hot long days of summer Arthur realised he was probably going to be all right in the end.

He also acknowledged that his marriage was never going to work the way it was supposed to. He had begun to go to the pub with all his friends and started meeting Morgana for lunch and coffee again. At first he was mostly doing this because he didn’t want to be in his house, where Gwen and he would spend whole evenings in an uncomfortable silence. And yet it was where he really wanted to be because it was _his house_ , his kingdom, and it was supposed to be the place where he craved to go after a long day. Where there was someone he had missed all day and whose presence he could feel in every corner of every room. He wanted to be that man who shouted _honey, I’m home!_ at the door and waited for the answer. He didn’t want this shadow of a marriage, shadow of a relationship, he had found himself in.

Somewhere during the summer months Arthur knew that he was becoming the man he had always wanted to be. He was getting back to being himself, back to being on top of things, back to ruling his own life and deciding what he wanted to do with it.

Nowadays, he rarely thought about Merlin, apart from those long painful moments when he thought about what kind of life they could have had. How different it would have been if it was Merlin waiting for him at home instead of Gwen. How much more satisfying his sex life would be.

How much more satisfying his life would be in general.

Somewhere during the summer months Arthur realised he had some decisions to make ahead of him. But before he had to make any of those, he was going to enjoy the sunshine and heat. He was going to enjoy the fact that he was still alive after all and that was the most important thing.

 

**August 2012**

“I lied to you,” Merlin said immediately when Arthur answered his phone.

Arthur blinked.

“You did... what?”

“I lied. I didn’t mean to! I just thought that it was the right thing to say back then and I wanted to tell you the truth, but thought you wouldn’t take it too well... and then things _happened_ and I still wanted to tell you, but it was never the right time so...”

Arthur rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“Merlin,” he said. “Would you stop babbling and begin to make sense at some point? Preferably today?”

“Umm, yeah. I think the point was that I didn’t tell you the truth and wanted to let you know.”

“Yes, thank you. I got that much,” Arthur said dryly.

“You remember the night when we were watching Doctor Who at your place? We had the, you know, _discussion_ that night.”

Ah, yes. Arthur wouldn’t forget that night anytime soon.

“Yes. I remember.”

“I said I loved you.”

Arthur didn’t answer.

“Well, I was lying. Or not telling the truth. Whatever. Anyway,” Merlin said and sounded like he would start babbling again at any second. Arthur knew he should stop him now if he didn’t want his ear to be talked off, but he couldn’t even draw breath at the moment. Merlin’s confession had thrown him momentarily off-balance. Everything that had been said that night had been important, a lifeline Arthur had been hanging on to, but it had all been lies?

“Arthur?” Merlin asked at the other end of the line. “Arthur, are you all right?”

Arthur still didn’t answer and wondered if he should make up some excuse and end the phone call before he made a fool of himself.

“Arthur, please say something! I didn’t finish what I was saying yet and... Oh fucking hell! No, no! Arthur, please listen for a moment! I didn’t mean it like that, you fucking prat!” Merlin said, changing the tone of his voice in the middle of the sentence. “What I meant was that I didn’t mean it in the past tense .”

Suddenly Arthur felt he could breathe again. Merlin was still not making sense but that sounded... promising.

“What are you saying, Merlin?” he sighed.

“I’m saying that I’m fucking in love with you and have been the whole time and I know you’re not going to say it back, but I thought you should know. I’m still in love with you. Or maybe again. I don’t know. But anyway. That’s the truth. No past tense .”

Well then.

“Are you still there?” Merlin asked, worried.

“Yeah. Yes.”

“What I’m saying is... I didn’t want to put any pressure on you back then with the divorce and all, and I had just come back and didn’t want to pressure you into anything. I still don’t want to! But what I really mean is that you still have me if you want. If... if you still want me after all this time.”

Arthur was still choked, but this time for a completely different reason.

“You always had me, Arthur.”

“I... I’m not sure what to say to that.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I can give you some time to think about it, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Talk to you later.”

Then the call ended and Arthur put the phone on the table in front of him. He was left feeling like there were things he should have said. There _were_ things he should’ve said, but for the love of anything good, he couldn’t find a way to say any of those out loud. He blinked a few times to get rid of the tears that were forming behind his eyelids and then looked at the phone again. Merlin said he didn’t want to pressure Arthur into anything and for once Arthur believed him. Merlin probably already knew from second-hand information how Arthur’s life had been during these few last years. Morgana had warned him against falling for Merlin again. Arthur’s father had warned against it too. They were all probably right and meant well but still...

Arthur was not a stupid or overly emotional man, or at least that was what he liked to tell himself. Usually his mind told him when something was a spectacularly bad idea. His rational mind was saying it now, but something deep inside him was singing that this was right. This was how it was supposed to be. Arthur wouldn’t be making any decisions right now, but he finally knew where he stood. He should probably let Uther know. And Morgana. And everyone else.

But all that could wait for now.

Arthur went to his kitchen and made a cup of tea. He leaned against the kitchen table holding the cup in his hand, closed his eyes and thought about it all. Taking small sips of the tea he was able to just enjoy the feeling of being all right, and he gave himself permission to finally smile.

 

**November 2011**

“Arthur! We have to go now! We’re going to be late, and Morgana will never forgive us,” Gwen yelled from the hall. Arthur knew she was right, but still couldn’t bring himself to be excited about his sister’s birthday party. It just felt wrong without Merlin there. Even after all this time every party felt wrong without Merlin.

“Arthur! I swear to God if you don’t... What’s wrong?” Gwen swept into the bedroom and frowned at Arthur who was sitting on the bed.

“Nothing,” Arthur said hastily and got up. “Let’s go then.”

“Arthur, really.”

“It’s fine.”

“You’re thinking about him again, aren’t you?” Gwen asked after a few seconds of silence. Arthur stopped for a moment and then nodded slightly, knowing he couldn’t fool Gwen.

“I can’t believe you! It’s been over two years, and you’re married to me and you still... What’s wrong with you?” Gwen said angrily. Somehow, after all this time and despite Gwen being the one who ever even spoke with Merlin, it was still a sore point for her when Arthur admitted thinking about him for even a second.

“Let’s just go. I don’t want to fight with you about this,” Arthur sighed. _I don’t want us to spend all our time fighting._

“I just don’t get it, Arthur!” Gwen said and now there were tears in her eyes. “Why did you even marry me if you’re still in love with him? I just want to understand!”

“Well, you’re one to talk!” Arthur said, and now he was getting angry too.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That means you’re still in love with Lancelot, and it has been longer since you’ve seen him than it’s been since I saw Merlin. You’re one to blame me for loving another!”

“What... I don’t love Lance! I just...” Gwen said and suddenly clicked her mouth shut. Arthur laughed cruelly.

“That’s what I mean! You can’t even deny it. You just get this lost and wounded expression every time someone even mentions him.”

“Fuck you, Arthur Pendragon! You don’t know anything about it !”

“Oh, I know a lot of things about you, Guinevere, even when you don’t actually tell me! I know you whether you admit it or not!”

“Well, maybe Merlin was right about you all along! You’re an arrogant bastard and I have no idea why I should tell you anything! It’s none of your business anyway.”

“And you call me out on marrying you! If that’s how you really feel maybe you shouldn’t have married _me_!”

For some time they just stood there glaring and fuming at each other, and then Gwen’s tears began to flow down her cheeks. The way Arthur stepped forward and pulled her into his arms and let her cry against his shoulder was almost instinctive. Arthur really did love Gwen and didn’t want to see her get hurt; it was only that he had never truly been _in love_ with her. Gwen grasped Arthur’s shirt, and Arthur had his arms around her, and they just stood there sharing loss and grief. Both of them were like half a person without Merlin and Lance, and they had both tried to fill the hole in their lives with each other. Both of them were so vulnerable and knew each other’s weak points so well that it was never going to work for them even when they both desperately wanted it to. At that moment, they were only friends giving each other comfort, not lovers or a married couple, and it worked so much better like this for them both. Finally Gwen gave a watery laugh.

“Morgana is going to be so pissed off at us,” she said, and Arthur laughed too. “Now on top of everything you have to change.”

“I know,” he answered. “What are we even doing, Guinevere? We don’t love each other like a husband and wife are supposed to. Maybe we should just break up. Get a divorce.”

“I don’t like the sound of being a divorced woman. It sounds too much like admitting defeat,” Gwen said and laughed again humourlessly.

“We’ve been fighting a losing battle for a long time now. Maybe admitting defeat is not such a bad thing,” Arthur said and held Gwen a bit tighter.

“Yeah.”

In the end, they were over an hour late for Morgana’s party, but on the other hand, Arthur couldn’t remember being so relaxed with Gwen in a long time. Somehow agreeing that they should get a divorce had improved their married life. They even kept on sleeping in the same bed and cuddling with each other. There was no sex, but there hadn’t been sex for months, and somehow knowing that at least Arthur still had Gwen as a friend was comforting. This friendship was more precious to him than their marriage had ever been, and maybe that was the reason they did not start the divorce process until two months later.

One month after that Merlin came back to town.

And one month after that Lance returned.

 

**August 2012**

But Arthur did not have time to tell Uther about Merlin, because something else happened. Arthur had known it would, but still it hurt that his father was so pointedly ignoring every opinion Arthur had on the subject. When he went back to work after his holiday, his secretary told him the Board of Directors would be meeting that afternoon.

And they would be discussing the contract .

Arthur knew that there would be no second chances after this one. He couldn’t let it pass even if it was the last thing he did in this company. Surely there was still time to fix everything? After the meeting Arthur would talk to his father about Catrina again and try to make him see sense.

\---

When Arthur stepped into the room, he found all the board and Catrina already in their seats.

“Ah, Arthur. How nice of you to join us,” Uther said. Not a word about his holiday.

“Good afternoon, everyone,” Arthur said, and he too took his seat.

“Now we’re all here, we can begin. I am sure you all know why you have been invited here today. All the formal decisions have of course already been made...”

“Wait, what?” Arthur interrupted, and Uther glared at him.

“Yes, Arthur. I’m sorry you have missed all the important meetings, but the decisions were made while you were away. The contract is ready to be signed and that is exactly what we are here to do today.”

“I was on _holiday_. The board can’t make any decisions that are this important while I’m away! It’s not done like that! I’m a stockholder and I expect to be involved in any major decisions affecting the future of the company.”

It became very quiet in the room .

“Well, you are wrong! We have already decided everything,” Catrina said, smiling. “You don’t have to worry about it.”

Arthur looked at Catrina incredulously and then at his father.

“Did she decide when this was to be discussed?” Arthur said and pointed at Catrina.

“Arthur...”

“ _Did she?_ ”

“Yes, but we were in a rush. We could not afford to wait until you were back . And we can make those decisions, because we have had everyone else present at every meeting and when we voted...”

“Oh right. So she got me out of the way so she could manipulate you all to make the decisions she wanted!”

Some of the men at the table looked uncomfortable. Catrina was still smiling.

“That’s enough, Arthur. My son or not, you do not have the right to speak to me like that! Everyone in this room has made their decisions on their own and your accusations are ridiculous!”

“Let me see the contract?” Arthur asked and took it from his father’s hand. He was not sure when he had gotten to his feet, but he was standing holding the paper and could feel every person in the room looking at him as he read.

“This is ridiculous. I’m not signing it,” he finally announced and put it on the table. He could practically see his father’s anger levels rising.

“You will do as I say! You are my son and you are expected to take control of this company some day! This will benefit everyone.”

“You mean it will benefit _you_. It will benefit _her_. It will not benefit the workers or anyone else. I’m not signing.”

“Arthur!” Uther roared. “You have responsibilities to this company...”

“Yes, I do! You do too! That’s exactly why I’m not going to harm Pen Inc. or its workers!”

“You are going too far...”

“If you want your son to keep running the company the way you have done, you’d better have another son, because I’m not doing it,” Arthur said, a sense of finality in his voice.

“You are doing what you’re told to do, Arthur! I’m not asking again!”

“Fine. You have made yourself completely clear.”

“Good. You’re finally seeing sense then?” Uther said and seemed to relax a little. Catrina wore a thoughtful expression .

“No, father. I truly think I’m the only sensible one in this room. If you are going to sign this contract, go ahead. It’s your business anyway. But do not expect me to stick around and see you destroying the lives of the workers.”

Someone coughed. Arthur wondered if the board members found this fight of wills uncomfortable to watch. He sincerely hoped it gave them something to think about.

“You do not have a choice!” Uther said and slammed his hand on the table. “You do as you’re told! Everyone in this room will sign, and you are not an exception.”

“I think I am. I’m resigning.”

There was a moment of silence that pumped through Arthur’s brain. The atmosphere in the room had suddenly turned icy. Only Catrina looked delighted. It was almost eerily quiet until Arthur’s father spoke again.

“You’re... what?”

“Do what you like. I’m leaving. Actually, I think I will go to my office, sign the required papers, and pack my things. I’m done with Pen Inc.”

And then Arthur left the room and for once he felt he had won a battle against his father.

\---

“I can’t fucking believe you!” Merlin said, clearly furious. Arthur was sitting on a bench in a park and enjoying the sunshine. He was not wearing his business suit but jeans and a casual jacket. It was the first day in ages when he had truly no idea what tomorrow would bring and what he would do with the rest of his life.

It was also the first day in a very long time when he could just sit there and watch the world and the happy people around him. For once he was truly content, truly happy to just _be_ without doing anything.

“Hi Merlin. How did you find me?” Arthur said and took off his sunglasses to look at Merlin.

“Morgana. Could you please explain what this is and how can you just sit there and look like you have no worries in the world?” Merlin said and slammed a newspaper on the bench next to Arthur. Arthur saw a picture of his father shaking hands with some official looking man. He leaned back and put the sunglasses back on.

“What about it? I’m not happy with my father’s decision, but he does own the company and can do anything he wants with it.”

“I can’t believe you!” Merlin repeated. “You know why I left in the first place? I thought you would’ve stood up to your father for me! I thought you were man enough to fight for the things that are important to you. I left because I didn’t want to make you have to do that, but apparently I was wrong and you’re not the knight in shining armour I thought...”

“I left the company yesterday,” Arthur said. It would have been interesting to hear what else Merlin had to say but he didn’t want to take the chance of him marching off without hearing what Arthur had done.

“And then you... You did what?” Merlin spluttered, and it was all worth it just to see the look on Merlin’s face.

“I told the board that I would not be part of that contract, my father told me I had no choice, so I did something he did not expect and resigned. I no longer work for Pen Inc.”

Merlin did not say a word; he just stared at Arthur.

“Oh, maybe I still officially work for them. On paper, I mean. I think my father has to sign some forms, but when he does....” Arthur shrugged. “He probably values the gain of the contract more than me anyway.”

“What... what are you going to do next?” Merlin asked.

“I don’t know if anyone has told you this, but I’m pretty good at what I do. Someone will gladly hire me. Until then I appear to have some free time on my hands. Or maybe I will set up my own company. I don’t really know yet. I’m leaving my options open.”

Now Merlin was looking at him like some fascinating new species. It reminded Arthur of the way he had looked at him years ago, before any of this had happened. It was pride, happiness... and something else. It made Arthur suddenly feel hot all over in a way that had nothing to do with the sunshine and warm weather.

“Right then,” Arthur said and got up from the bench, making a decision. “Since I’m apparently in the mood to fix things I should’ve fixed long ago, I might as well man up and do something else. Just for the record, I’m still not sure this is a very good idea. Morgana thinks it’s a very, very bad one.”

He looked Merlin in the eye and stepped in front of him. Merlin reached out and pushed the sunglasses onto Arthur’s forehead and returned his look.

“And what is that if I may ask?”

Arthur did not answer but leaned closer and kissed Merlin. It was just a slight brush of lips, but the way Merlin answered was exactly what Arthur had been hoping for. He sighed, grabbed the collar of Arthur’s jacket and pulled him closer. Then Merlin’s lips were against his, and they were kissing and kissing, and Arthur couldn’t get enough of it. It had been years since the last time they had done this, but it felt just as good, just as right, as Arthur remembered. It was also getting slightly unsuitable for such a public place .

He had to stop for a moment just to make sure.

“Are you going to leave again?” Arthur asked.

“Maybe,” Merlin said, and Arthur’s heart fell. It had been too good to be true anyway. But then Merlin put his hands on both sides of Arthur’s face and said: “But if I do, I’m not leaving alone. If I leave again, it doesn’t mean I’m leaving you.”

He smiled shyly at Arthur’s expression.

“Good ,” Arthur said and then they went back to the kissing, because honestly, there wasn’t much else to be said.

 

**November 2012**

_The son of Uther Pendragon establishing his own company_

Arthur Pendragon, 30 , resigned from Pendragon Incorporated earlier this year after a disagreement with his father, Uther Pendragon, 56. (Read more about the reasons behind the decision on page 6.) He has now set up a new business with his partner Merlin Emrys, 29. The new company will be known as Albion .

\---

_Pendragon men settle arguments_

“I am very happy for Arthur,” Uther Pendragon commented earlier this week. “I have not always agreed with his choices, but I am proud to say that my son has taken the route he sees suitable for him and keeps his principles.”

There were rumours that the older Pendragon had not approved of his son’s choice in love or in business, but those seem to remain only rumours, since both of the Pendragon men have stated that any rift between them has been exaggerated.

Meanwhile Morgana LeFay has returned to work at Pendragon Incorporated. The company’s contract with Pahared Corp. however has failed, since scrutiny of the company financial records suggested major discrepancies in the accounts ...

\---

_Exclusive interview with Arthur Pendragon and his partner, Merlin Emrys_

...

We also asked about the issue that will probably interest everyone. Is Arthur Pendragon going to remarry? He and his wife, Guinevere Pendragon, divorced earlier this year, but after watching Pendragon and Emrys interacting with each other for even a few minutes, it is clear that the couple is happy and very much in love.

“I have no intention of remarrying just yet,” Arthur Pendragon told us. “We have talked about the possibility of civil partnership in future, but I don’t think it will be a topic of conversation any time soon.”

“I’m in no hurry to marry,” Merlin Emrys agreed. “We are living together, that is true, and are as committed as any couple, but we don’t want to rush things.”

“We’re still very good friends with Guinevere and her boyfriend.”

\---

_Albion climbing in stock markets_

The company decided to hire many workers who were earlier employed by Pendragon Incorporated. That seems to have been a smart move since the company has been steadily rising in popularity and success.  
Pendargon Incorporated and Albion deal with different market segments, so there is no direct competition between the two firms. However, comparison of the share price since Albion floated onto the stock market early last year has seen it climb steadily in value while, Pendragon Incorporated maintains its strong position.

It remains to be seen whether Arthur Pendragon has inherited his father’s business sense and whether Albion will be as successful as Pendragon Incorporated. The signs are good so far.

### Epilogue: Balance

**August 2013 ******

“You know, Arthur,” Merlin said as he looked up from Arthur’s lap. “I think we need to celebrate.”

“How so?”

“It’s our second anniversary soon.”

Arthur laughed.

“Second? We’ve only been dating for a year, idiot.”

“I count the first year. Our anniversary was in August back then, too.”

That silenced Arthur.

“You count that?”

“Of course I do. You don’t?”

“I hadn’t really thought about it.”

It was true that their anniversary was just around the corner. During the last year they had established their own company, Albion, and it had been at least as happy as their first year together had been. Merlin was doing all the work with the ICT and human relations management and Arthur was managing the contacts and business. It had taken some months before they had figured out how it was all going to work, but now it was operating like magic.

“We should travel somewhere.”

“Hmmh?” Arthur asked.

“For our anniversary. We should go away together.”

“Where were you thinking?”

“I don’t know. It could be Central Europe? I know you don’t want to be away from work for too long. Or maybe America? I’ve never been there,” Merlin said. “There are wonderful cities in Asia too if you think we could take a longer holiday? I think you would really enjoy Singapore. The zoo is amazing! And Kuala Lumpur is stunning!”

“I’d like that,” Arthur said. It would be so good to travel with Merlin. Merlin was always telling him about the amazing places he had visited, and it made Arthur feel like his world was somehow small and insignificant. Arthur had been to the USA a couple of times on business trips, but had not travelled much just for the pleasure of it. Maybe it had been because he had not had anyone to do it with. Morgana liked shopping too much, and okay, he had spent his honeymoon in Greece with Gwen, but they hadn’t really seen anything besides the most obvious tourist attractions. Travelling with Merlin would probably be more surprising and more glorious.

“We don’t have to decide yet. I just thought that our business is doing well, and I’d really like to spend more time with you...” Merlin babbled.

“We live and work together, you ass! We spend all our time together,” Arthur laughed.

“But it’s not the same thing. I think that if we can manage two weeks together in a foreign country with just the two of us, we can work out pretty much anything.”

Arthur smiled.

“We could do it in the autumn or next winter? I think the kind of trip you’re thinking of needs some planning.”

“Maybe. Or maybe I’m just more spontaneous and adventurous than you!”

“Well, that you certainly are,” Arthur admitted. “Though I think I can be spontaneous too.”

“Oh, really? How’s that? I don’t remember you ever doing anything just because it was there!”

“Get up! I need to go and find something I want to show you,” Arthur said, and Merlin lifted his head to let Arthur stand up.

Arthur went to the hall and took a little box from the pocket of his coat. He had been planning how to give this to Merlin, but walking into a shop and ordering it had really been a spontaneous act.

“Arthur?” Merlin asked, puzzled, when Arthur came back and sat beside him on the sofa.

“This is not a proposal,” Arthur said; it was best to make that clear at once. “I’m not ready to remarry quite yet, but this could be... a promise maybe ?”

He gave the little box to Merlin and was happy to see that Merlin’s hands were shaking when he opened it. It was a ring, but not a traditional engagement band. It was a Celtic one with a meaning behind the pattern and that were often used as engagement and wedding rings. Although he had walked into the shop on a whim, he had spent a lot of time working with the jeweller to design a custom made ring that would have the right amount of symbolism.

“It’s beautiful,” Merlin whispered and touched the ring gently. “I assume there’s a meaning behind it?”

“Yes. I thought it looked like something you could wear. Pretty without being too girly. Traditionally the pattern means love, loyalty and friendship to the one you love. There was a story behind it, but I can’t remember it right now. I think we could Google it and see if...” Arthur thought he was probably spending too much time with Merlin if he had this much to say about a single piece of jewellery when Merlin shut him up with a kiss.

He was still holding the little box in his hand, and the kiss turned just a little bit dirty. When he pulled back they were both breathless, and Arthur thought they really should go to the bedroom as soon as they finished this conversation. Though the sofa was fine too. The sofa was perfect actually.

“So you like it?” Arthur asked.

“Are you mad? Of course I like it!”

“I’m not saying that this is going to be your wedding ring or anything,” Arthur said, and Merlin raised his eyebrows. “But it can be if you want it to be. There are several ways to wear it, but for now I’d like you to wear it on your right hand, heart pointed towards you. It means that your heart is taken, but there is no official commitment yet. You can think of this as my anniversary gift.”

Merlin slid it onto his ring finger and stared at it. Then he grinned.

“What are you smiling about?”

“I was just thinking that Gwen is going to go nuts and complain that it’s not fair I got a prettier ring from you than she did.”

Arthur slapped his arm.

“No, but seriously, thank you. Though I didn’t get anything for you yet.”

“Yes, you did,” Arthur said and kissed him again.

-fin-

**Author's Note:**

> You can also comment this work on [LJ](http://paperlegends.livejournal.com/112877.html).


End file.
